At peace...

She passed peacefully tonight at 6. No more pain, no more agony. I love you sis...

Almost Thanksgiving, almost over...

Have been crying a lot since I woke up today. Today is the day before Thanksgiving and sis is close. The hospice said yesterday she is in the final stages of dying. Her agony is almost over. Could be today. Could be tomorrow. Don't know what else to write. Thought I could but I can't.

Surpassing statistics...that's Sis

Two weeks now without dialysis. Alive.

With all the medical problems (not to mention no really functioning kidney to speak of) who would have thought it?

Who would have thought she would have lived until she got her first kidney transplant?

Who would have thought she would see her two sons grow up(doctors told her not to adopt and that she was being selfish due to her short life expectancy)?

Who would have thought she would receive a second transplant?

Who would have thought she would attend her sons wedding 15 days ago?

Who would thought she would surpass the average time to live post dialysis? Most sources give one to two weeks with 10 days being average.

But that's my sister. Always doing the unexpected. Even in dying she surpasses expectations...

My sister-reflections and repercussions...

Sis is still alive. Been reflecting on the course that this year has taken. From the outset my sister was seriously ill. She almost died last Christmas. The year has then been one of periodic emergency trips to the hospital, doctor visits, physical therapy, residency at a nursing home rehab facility and more. She has not had a pleasant year with almost constant intense leg pain, a handful of seizures, scary high blood pressure and all the other stuff that goes on with what is going on with her. 

 I love my sister. 

 This is tough stuff. 

Unfortunately being the recluse that I am and having become progressively more reclusive the past few years has not been a good thing with respect to my relations to other family members. There have been times when I went long periods of time not talking to my parents and others. However my parents and I have talked at least every weekend since last Christmas when sis entered the hospital. We have grown close. This year will end up with us seeing each other three times by Christmas. Better than not seeing them for many years. 

 I love my parents and other sister. 

 That expression, 'good comes out of bad'...I believe it.

A time to live, a time to write...

To be perfectly honest I have not written anything here(or anywhere) for some time because I felt there was nothing to write about. I don't care to get too personal at the moment about my inner life but let's just say I have been empty inside. It's more than difficult to write from what one does not have.

Having said that here I am writing as the compulsion to write is more than there tonight.

Tonight I talked to Mom and Dad about my more than ill sister. Long story short, the repercussions/consequences of dialysis are beyond the threshold of any redeeming value. So dialysis has now been stopped(she is a three times a weeker), she is on hospice care and has been given a few days to a few weeks to live.

Live.

Knowing that her life is near its end fills me with all sorts of emotions and memories. Hmm, I think for now, tonight, I will write of one of my favorite memories.

Memories fade but one stands out from the mid 1960's. One summer we had a pass to a public swimming pool so naturally we went swimming a lot. I remember one particular day we walked the long walk to that public swimming pool. I remember us walking in and she headed to the sunbathing area behind a fence and I to the crowded pool. I remember overhead the loudspeakers blared the Rolling Stones 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction'.

Satisfaction. Yeah.

Where is Brandy Vaughan?

After two years offline I am finding myself becoming readdicted to cyberspace. So far it's been a nice venture back. I keep thinking I should blog and I could have had a field day(night) blogging last night had I come here but I didn't. And now I don't feel like re-exploring last nights escapades. My mind is elsewhere...

...at the end of 2007 I discovered a musical artist on MySpace who blew me away. She had the voice of an angel. My first impression anyway and I told her so via one of those nifty MySpace comments. Found myself returning more and more to her profile to listen to her music. Something about that voice struck me deeply. She developed a website which was nicely done and was working on releasing her first EP. Of course I frequented it as well.

We exchanged messages back and forth a few times on MySpace. I remember one or two mails that blew me away from a spiritual/intellectual standpoint. I can't recall the exact substance of those mails now but they seemed to have been God centered. Truly she was a spiritual person in a very beautiful way.

Her name was Brandy Vaughan.

Where is she now?

Now, her MySpace profile and personal website are no more. She had big dreams of singing yet seems to have disappeared off the web except for a few older links. Did she lose her dream? Did she lose her voice? Or what?

For me I always considered her an angel and I mean that without any ulterior motives attached. She said things to me which caused me to think more deeply about God at a time when I did not want to. Her words and her music penetrated my soul.

In ancient literature an angel was considered a messenger from God. They came with a message and then disappeared.

Maybe she really was an angel...

More than two years later...hello...to say it was difficult finding this again and then logging on would be an understatement...stay tuned for unsolicited writings, perhaps even an update of sorts...