Whatever

 The bad dreams continue. There is no relief in site. Afraid to sleep but eventually do from exhaustion. I don't understand why after twenty two years I continue to dream about a job that brought me down mentally(see label: Losing My Mind).  Without a doubt I will never be able to finish that writing excursion. I don't want to relive the breakdown and writing without substance results in form only. 

Tonight I felt a sudden urge to write. But I am at a loss for words now.  Wish I could shut my mind off.  Unable to focus. Later.

No escape

 There seems to be no escape from the perpetual bad dreams. None.

Today is not exactly as easy day and as a means to escape(and it was nap time)I slept a long time.

Then I found myself in a world where technology could bring back the dead in the form of videos which became real.  People could be seen, heard and felt.  The video became alive albeit only within the context of the past.

There I was with my daughter. We had so many amazing memories together when she was a child.  I held her and squeezed her tightly,  crying as various memories flashed by.  She was not aware of my present presence, only the me of the past so she could not hear or feel the current me.

Finally it became so intense that I stopped the virtual videos of the past as someone came into whatever room I was in.  Wailing ensued and I woke up.

No escape.

 Much has happened since the last post of February.  Much has occurred in the past twelve months.

My daughter died in a tragic car accident in June of last year. 

A dear friend died in November of last year.

My father died in February, about a week after my last post earlier this year.

My closest of friends(from work) died in May.

My mother developed  Dementia and as of last week is now hallucinating and hearing things.

Last month I was diagnosed with prostrate cancer.  

Other than that things have pretty much been normal.

Afraid of the night

 Afraid of the night and all it entails

Dreams waiting to haunt as stamina fades

Sleepless nights and endless tales

Awake the new day when way past dawn

Visions speak out of turn viewing hollow bends

Exhausting days and endless yawns