Every since I was in college October has been my favorite month of the year. Many good and special things have happened in October. I first found God in a serious way in October. I sobered up in October. There are special memories with my best friend in October.
There is not an October that goes by that I don' think back to that October in college when he looked into the sky and exclaimed, "look at the October sky"! It was an ultra clear and exquisitely pure blue sky that only October seems to provide. Today I walked up to the corner store and looked into the October sky. Beautiful light blue sky overhead with a cool breeze passing through me. Sunny yet cool. It gets no better than this.
Came home and called my youngest son. He answered the phone. First time in a while we have talked. I miss him terribly. He is growing up and his interests are changing including rather doing things with his friends as opposed to his Dad. I understand but I miss him. We talked for 23 minutes and it was good. Normally any phone conversation between us falls far short of that. A nice relaxed conversation it was and I am grateful for it.
The rest of the day so far includes cleaning, working on a writing course, surfing the net and watching TV.
It is October now. The most magical month of the year and it is nearly over.
But not yet.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Well, maybe something else to write about...
Funny. I already blogged tonight and am fatigued and was ready to sign off and out but here I am. I feel like writing a poem or something. Not sure what is there though...
I felt like writing a poem but was not sure what was around
A silence penetrated me more than a bathroom fan's sound
I felt like playing some music but was not sure what to play
Any selection irritated me more than a Raps noisy display
The writing cut the silence, that silence which I love
The writing cut the silence, the silence which I hate
The music couldn't make the cut, I only wanted silence
The silence couldn't make the cut, I only wanted peace
So now I've written a poem which owns a sound in my head
It has a place all its own and I'm rather glad I did it instead.
I felt like writing a poem but was not sure what was around
A silence penetrated me more than a bathroom fan's sound
I felt like playing some music but was not sure what to play
Any selection irritated me more than a Raps noisy display
The writing cut the silence, that silence which I love
The writing cut the silence, the silence which I hate
The music couldn't make the cut, I only wanted silence
The silence couldn't make the cut, I only wanted peace
So now I've written a poem which owns a sound in my head
It has a place all its own and I'm rather glad I did it instead.
Zooty asked how I was as a comment...
Yes, this is true.
I got all excited when I saw the email thinking a comment was made on my last poetic excursion into the fields of intimate relaxation and such. Then I noticed it was not a comment but rather a question..."hey you, how are you"?
So Zooty, you can consider yourself told on now. The entire world now knows. Well, the entire world that reads this blog anyway. So, I am doing good I suppose. Doing a little each day on a writing course but need to do more than a little each day. Have been doing less than a little blogging as of late as you can see. And as the entire world which reads this blog can also see.
Have had thoughts of maybe another series or exploration of something like I did with the God series a few months ago but I am not sure what yet. That series was easy to write as all it entailed was going down memory lane. Maybe some other excursions down memory lane should be written about. Maybe.
I keep playing Literati with the Literati Lioness to whom I keep losing. It is just not right. Not right at all. One win I tell you. One win is all I have under my belt to her. Maybe I should remove the belt. I dunno. But it is painful to lose game after game. However it is also immensely enjoyable. Well, I mean up until the point it becomes abundantly clear that one more time I am being smashed into the ground where the demoralized demon losers of Literati dwell. Painful I tell you. But she is deserving of props as she does play an amazing game and obviously thinks through each move carefully and methodically unlike yours truly who still plays the game too impulsively and improvisationally at times. Oh well. Props to the amazing one!
So with this open letter to Zooty and the entire world which reads my blog I now sign off until next time. Hopefully next time will be less than a week from now...
I got all excited when I saw the email thinking a comment was made on my last poetic excursion into the fields of intimate relaxation and such. Then I noticed it was not a comment but rather a question..."hey you, how are you"?
So Zooty, you can consider yourself told on now. The entire world now knows. Well, the entire world that reads this blog anyway. So, I am doing good I suppose. Doing a little each day on a writing course but need to do more than a little each day. Have been doing less than a little blogging as of late as you can see. And as the entire world which reads this blog can also see.
Have had thoughts of maybe another series or exploration of something like I did with the God series a few months ago but I am not sure what yet. That series was easy to write as all it entailed was going down memory lane. Maybe some other excursions down memory lane should be written about. Maybe.
I keep playing Literati with the Literati Lioness to whom I keep losing. It is just not right. Not right at all. One win I tell you. One win is all I have under my belt to her. Maybe I should remove the belt. I dunno. But it is painful to lose game after game. However it is also immensely enjoyable. Well, I mean up until the point it becomes abundantly clear that one more time I am being smashed into the ground where the demoralized demon losers of Literati dwell. Painful I tell you. But she is deserving of props as she does play an amazing game and obviously thinks through each move carefully and methodically unlike yours truly who still plays the game too impulsively and improvisationally at times. Oh well. Props to the amazing one!
So with this open letter to Zooty and the entire world which reads my blog I now sign off until next time. Hopefully next time will be less than a week from now...
Friday, October 12, 2007
Relaxed #2
In swelling waves he floats toward her hidden palace
In ways that sway, they each find a compelling balance
In the royal union that wrestles within their writhing souls
Is found counterpart, made fully relaxed, made whole
In rising clouds before him, are seen her unseen heavens
Inside them binds a lasting touch, each one newly freshens
In gentle grasping, in nestled thrashing, of two unified souls
Are found entwined, made fully relaxed, made finally whole
In ways that sway, they each find a compelling balance
In the royal union that wrestles within their writhing souls
Is found counterpart, made fully relaxed, made whole
In rising clouds before him, are seen her unseen heavens
Inside them binds a lasting touch, each one newly freshens
In gentle grasping, in nestled thrashing, of two unified souls
Are found entwined, made fully relaxed, made finally whole
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Relaxed
In swelling waves he floats toward her hidden palace
In ways that sway, they each find a compelling balance
In the royal union that wrestles within their writhing souls
Is found counterpart, made fully relaxed, made whole
In ways that sway, they each find a compelling balance
In the royal union that wrestles within their writhing souls
Is found counterpart, made fully relaxed, made whole
A short whine fest...
This site has become frustrating for me lately with regards to format. When I click on publish a post the post does not come out as I typed it. Lines drop down or extra rows between lines occur. I have one unpublished poem here that the words were all over the place and never would come out as they appeared in the draft. It's a longer poem which I never could get to appear published as it should(but did as a draft). I don't get it. The format is somehow all screwy. I've changed nothing yet it is all changed. A post should appear exactly as it does in a draft, should it not? Weird.
So it is Saturday night and thought I would write. OK, I'm finished now. LOL!
So it is Saturday night and thought I would write. OK, I'm finished now. LOL!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
A poem from a title...
I like that title so we are going to go with it and see what happens...
...
Reflections on the fire within
To burn with internalized passion
To writhe with progressive abandon
To wallow in the fiery hells of fear
Reflect on a path permeated aglow
Reflect on a path perplexed, heated flow
To remain unseen what within yet sears
To cool with internalized passion
To writhe with professing attachment
To swallow each other's heavenly hold
...
Reflections on the fire within
To burn with internalized passion
To writhe with progressive abandon
To wallow in the fiery hells of fear
Reflect on a path permeated aglow
Reflect on a path perplexed, heated flow
To remain unseen what within yet sears
To cool with internalized passion
To writhe with professing attachment
To swallow each other's heavenly hold
Reflections on the fire within...
After missing two days of work I went back tonight. Thankfully it was a short night as there was no stamina. The stamina was spent before it was even needed. But it was a short night. During that short night it seemed that people kept looking at me in a penetrating sort of way and smiling. It was odd. Maybe I am just paranoid.
I don't know why I get so angry sometimes. They say underneath most forms of anger there is a layer of fear. I totally believe that. But what is it I am afraid of that causes me to really get angry at times. And only at a certain person. Irregardless of her stance on things or what she may or may not do, WHY do I get so angry?
Why?
I am an emotional person. More so than many I suppose. When I was with my second wife for those two short years, much that had been repressed began to surface. A lifetime of emotions it seems, were coming to the surface. I suddenly could cry for what seemed like the first time since childhood. Any emotion one can think of suddenly became more felt to me, including anger. With her I developed quite a temper. But knowing her was a real blessing even though it didn't work out. She was a catalyst for much that is good in my life to this day. I will always be glad she was a part of my life. I felt a lot and experienced a lot with her. Because of her I love to write. Because of her I love to feel.
Feelings are neither right nor wrong they say. They also say it is what we do with those feelings that matter. So. I don't like it when I hurt others because of my feelings. I particularly don't like it when it is someone my feelings run deep for.
At the moment I feel distraught and melancholy in a not so good way.
I don't know why I get so angry sometimes. They say underneath most forms of anger there is a layer of fear. I totally believe that. But what is it I am afraid of that causes me to really get angry at times. And only at a certain person. Irregardless of her stance on things or what she may or may not do, WHY do I get so angry?
Why?
I am an emotional person. More so than many I suppose. When I was with my second wife for those two short years, much that had been repressed began to surface. A lifetime of emotions it seems, were coming to the surface. I suddenly could cry for what seemed like the first time since childhood. Any emotion one can think of suddenly became more felt to me, including anger. With her I developed quite a temper. But knowing her was a real blessing even though it didn't work out. She was a catalyst for much that is good in my life to this day. I will always be glad she was a part of my life. I felt a lot and experienced a lot with her. Because of her I love to write. Because of her I love to feel.
Feelings are neither right nor wrong they say. They also say it is what we do with those feelings that matter. So. I don't like it when I hurt others because of my feelings. I particularly don't like it when it is someone my feelings run deep for.
At the moment I feel distraught and melancholy in a not so good way.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
An excursion into frustration...
Utterly frustrated and without a right of way
Completely devastated with nothing left to say
Eventually at that impasse where roads go no more
Predictably, expectations without reason shut the door
There is nothing left to say , the outcome remains the same
So what is the point in trying? The only thing left is crying
Completely devastated with nothing left to say
Eventually at that impasse where roads go no more
Predictably, expectations without reason shut the door
There is nothing left to say , the outcome remains the same
So what is the point in trying? The only thing left is crying
Monday, October 1, 2007
The good thing about being ill sometimes...
Are you one of those people whose mind focuses better at times when ill? I am . As unclear as my head becomes while sick, it is in an odd way more focused sometimes. ADD? Dunno. Booze and drugs did the same thing. A way of focusing albeit in a rather unhealthy manner! LOL!
Now having said that I have lost focus on what I want to blog about. LOL! Maybe because it is love and I don't know where to begin. Maybe I will begin with the Greeks. The Greeks had at least three different words for what is translated into love. That equated into brotherly love, sexual love and unconditional love. The ultimate is unconditional love evidenced by Christ sacrifice on the cross. That would be Agape.
I don't think it necessary that we go around crucifying ourselves for others. It is just the willingness to do so. Loving someone to THAT EXTENT is the deal in my opinion. But we shouldn't seek martyrdom. Naaa.. To me real love or the ultimate love wherein a person only wants the best for another and will do whatever they can towards that. Having anothers best interest at heart. And if it is real it is undying. That is where commitment comes in. Some would call love a commitment. Sounds rather sterile but closer to the truth then what is commonly thought as love.
What is commonly thought as love? That magical feeling that bubbles over inside one when one is enthralled with another? That euphoric place where all is good and happy? Is love a feeling? Isn't love more than a feeling? If love is only a feeling that would explain why it rarely last anymore. Because feelings come and go. And few believe in commitment anymore. It is more like what have you done for me lately? I will argue all day that love is not a feeling, that it is much larger than a feeling. Love is that which produces those wonderful feelings sometimes. Feelings are a byproduct of something else. Whether it be a thought, an action, a general mood, a reaction to something, or whatever. People "fall in" and "out of" love. Yet love is suppose to endure. True love is. Why are my parents still married? Because they love one another. Simple. They are committed to each other. Did their feelings keep them together all these years? No. On the contrary when they almost divorced when I was in junior high, their feelings would have had them divorce. But they loved one another enough to stick it out. Commitment. Choice. Love is a choice too.
Why am I saying all of this? LOL! It is difficult for me to use the "love" word even if I feel it. For me when I think of the love word, most of the time in my mind and heart, I am thinking of it as the "ultimate" towards another. And that is pretty serious. Quite serious. I even have trouble telling my friends I love them although I do occasionally. That should not be a problem but it is. So I under use a word in a world where it is clearly overused.
Loving for the moment is attractive in the sense that moments are what we have. Yet it is unattractive in the sense that it implies an unlastingness to me. Do we not actually have more than moments? There really is a tomorrow, not just today. Lasting moments. Moments make up time and if we are going to spend any substantial time with another and it be mutually rewarding, wouldn't both parties have to decide on that to be? Oh gawd, am I making any sense? LOL!
Sometimes we can really care about another person and care for them deeply. Sometimes much will be shared with words and otherwise and an intimate bond is formed. Sometimes feelings will be bubbling over so much that one wants to tell the other how they feel. Yet they don't. Something as important as telling someone "I love you" is best done in person. Is it fair to them to tell them without having met them yet? I am not so sure it is. Most people I have witnessed tell someone they loved them prior to meeting, didn't work out with that person. In fact I cannot think of one that did work out under that scenario. Doesn't mean it is not possible. Just that I am not aware of it.
Apparently I am right and left brained. Right now my right brain is all bubbled over with wonderful feelings. But the left is standing guard. It can be a real battle that I have a very difficult time with. And it can be next to impossible to try and explain it to anyone else. In the process misunderstandings can and do take place. I am who I am and I think and feel what I think and feel. I cannot be that which I am not.
Is there any other way?
Now having said that I have lost focus on what I want to blog about. LOL! Maybe because it is love and I don't know where to begin. Maybe I will begin with the Greeks. The Greeks had at least three different words for what is translated into love. That equated into brotherly love, sexual love and unconditional love. The ultimate is unconditional love evidenced by Christ sacrifice on the cross. That would be Agape.
I don't think it necessary that we go around crucifying ourselves for others. It is just the willingness to do so. Loving someone to THAT EXTENT is the deal in my opinion. But we shouldn't seek martyrdom. Naaa.. To me real love or the ultimate love wherein a person only wants the best for another and will do whatever they can towards that. Having anothers best interest at heart. And if it is real it is undying. That is where commitment comes in. Some would call love a commitment. Sounds rather sterile but closer to the truth then what is commonly thought as love.
What is commonly thought as love? That magical feeling that bubbles over inside one when one is enthralled with another? That euphoric place where all is good and happy? Is love a feeling? Isn't love more than a feeling? If love is only a feeling that would explain why it rarely last anymore. Because feelings come and go. And few believe in commitment anymore. It is more like what have you done for me lately? I will argue all day that love is not a feeling, that it is much larger than a feeling. Love is that which produces those wonderful feelings sometimes. Feelings are a byproduct of something else. Whether it be a thought, an action, a general mood, a reaction to something, or whatever. People "fall in" and "out of" love. Yet love is suppose to endure. True love is. Why are my parents still married? Because they love one another. Simple. They are committed to each other. Did their feelings keep them together all these years? No. On the contrary when they almost divorced when I was in junior high, their feelings would have had them divorce. But they loved one another enough to stick it out. Commitment. Choice. Love is a choice too.
Why am I saying all of this? LOL! It is difficult for me to use the "love" word even if I feel it. For me when I think of the love word, most of the time in my mind and heart, I am thinking of it as the "ultimate" towards another. And that is pretty serious. Quite serious. I even have trouble telling my friends I love them although I do occasionally. That should not be a problem but it is. So I under use a word in a world where it is clearly overused.
Loving for the moment is attractive in the sense that moments are what we have. Yet it is unattractive in the sense that it implies an unlastingness to me. Do we not actually have more than moments? There really is a tomorrow, not just today. Lasting moments. Moments make up time and if we are going to spend any substantial time with another and it be mutually rewarding, wouldn't both parties have to decide on that to be? Oh gawd, am I making any sense? LOL!
Sometimes we can really care about another person and care for them deeply. Sometimes much will be shared with words and otherwise and an intimate bond is formed. Sometimes feelings will be bubbling over so much that one wants to tell the other how they feel. Yet they don't. Something as important as telling someone "I love you" is best done in person. Is it fair to them to tell them without having met them yet? I am not so sure it is. Most people I have witnessed tell someone they loved them prior to meeting, didn't work out with that person. In fact I cannot think of one that did work out under that scenario. Doesn't mean it is not possible. Just that I am not aware of it.
Apparently I am right and left brained. Right now my right brain is all bubbled over with wonderful feelings. But the left is standing guard. It can be a real battle that I have a very difficult time with. And it can be next to impossible to try and explain it to anyone else. In the process misunderstandings can and do take place. I am who I am and I think and feel what I think and feel. I cannot be that which I am not.
Is there any other way?
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