When I shared how bad I felt today a friend of mine asked, "why is this happening? Do you know?"
I replied in general terms but now I will get specific. It can be a catharsis of sorts for me so at the risk of sounding complaining(yet again) and repetitive, here goes a summation of events leading up to the present day that affect me.
But first a preface:
Number one, in spite of what happens in life I do believe it's not what happens to us that matters as much as how we deal with the cards we are given. Easy to say yet very hard to practice at times. Sometimes it is a matter of just trying to stay in the game without the cards folding from the ones we've been dealt.
Number two, I have not included all events or circumstances in the following list of significant moments in my life during the past 15 months that are contributing to the current stress level. Why? Some are too personal to be listed here.
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Sequence of events:
June, 2021 My daughter, highly successful in her career and well known and loved was killed in an auto accident when she rear-ended an 18 wheeler truck stopped for traffic. She died on my youngest son's birthday, four days before her mother's birthday and six days before her youngest daughter's birthday. The gates of hell were opened that day, not for my daughter, but for the rest of us.
November A really good friend from work(I had retired in April) died suddenly from heart issues. She was an inspiration to many including me. I trained her when she was promoted and she called me her Yoda. She would try to cheer me up when I was down and vise versa. Learning of her death was shocking to say the least.
February, 2022 My father died from heart issues after a couple of weeks of being in and out of hospitals. My hero, Dad was gone. It may sound bias(and it is) but I have never known anyone as positive as Dad. The worst situation could be thrown at him and he would usually smile and utter positive jewels of wisdom from his mouth. I miss you, Dad.
May My very best friend from work(again I retired in April of 2021) died of heart issues. He had previously had triple bypass surgery a few years before but began having issues again this year. A stint was put in his heart and two more were needed. He died alone(his big fear)in his apartment and was not discovered until his not showing up to work on Sunday. I miss him terribly and dream about him a lot. In fact, last night I did. He was back alive and I was asking him about the afterlife as we walked a long trail in the dream.
Mom had been experiencing signs of Dementia since the fall of last year and her condition escalated after Dad's death. I decided to move back to my home state and take care of her to avoid her going into an institution. She is like me(antisocial) and it worked out beautifully that I would be able to move to her home, take care of her and share expenses to make things work. So a move in May.
May was a an exhausting month. I had been sick for a very long time and finally saw a new urologist who took tests and determined I had a high grade(risk) level of prostate cancer. Nice. Yeah, May was fun.
June Prostate surgery in which the full prostate was removed. In recovery I stopped breathing and they had to do CPR on me. Actually, I was down to three breaths a minute but they considered that not so good and called in a rapid response team of 6 to bring be back. Back I came.
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As I mentioned above I have not included every single issue because some things are too personal. I will say that recovery from surgery has been quite slow but sure and going in a positive direction at the moment.
I'm dealing with an issue requiring a specialist and will be glad when that is over with. That is all I will say.
Life on a day to day basis with Mom is difficult to say the least. I don't care to write about the many experiences with her and Dementia right now. Perhaps in the future. I don't know. But the stress from taking care of her has been astronomical at times and with the worst timing. She did not make pre or post-surgery easy. She made it hell.
I've not mentioned yet other health issues such as painful neuropathy in my hands and feet, arthritis occasionally visiting my body, or major sleep issues in which the days and nights are mixed up.
So what to make of all of this? It seems like I have not fully processed or healed from any of the above but accumulated a set of cards which need to be played out at some point. In the meantime life is a blur and my cup is full. There is no more room for anything else at the moment. At times I have felt like I would break down again(like I did many years ago) but so far my brain is intact. It does feel tattered a lot recently but tattered is better than split.
Soon I will write about the positive side to this. Yes, there is a positive side. I do firmly believe that good can and will come from bad if we so choose such a perspective and get on a solid path. It can open the door to some amazing things.
Last thought comes from my daughter who while alive had the following statement as a favorite that she always mentioned in any training, talk, seminar, etc. Her statement was:
"Find Purpose Through Your Pain"
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