I wonder if anyone who reads this blog(not many) has ever wondered about the blog name? Well?
I will say there is enough material related to the blog name for many posts.
This blog and it's name began in 2007.
Yet I have never posted anything related to its title.
Hmmmmm...
...for the first time in six months I had an orgasm today! Too much information? This is my blog. Prior to having my prostate removed in June I had not had an orgasm in about a month.
No prostate, no erection(still not possible but stay tuned...heehee) yet I had an orgasm today!
I will not go into details about how this was made possible other than to say I will be writing a five star review on Amazon later. Yep.
It felt great! The post-orgasmic tension release and calm that came over me was so amazing.
Its not an easy thing to pursue the positive when one is surrounded by negativity. I woke up this morning intensely sad.
Sad that I said some things to a dear person yesterday I should not have said. I do wish my cup was not full but it is. Strong emotions are something I have always had except when I am dead inside. Sometimes I cannot bridle myself when I should. I wish I could talk to this dear friend but I understand and respect their wishes.
Sad on day three since I stopped taking my anti-depressant. Yes. I stopped. Not cold turkey. That could have dire consequences. Phased it out over a two week period. Have not noticed any difference in depression level. I was depressed taking it and am depressed now. But my emotions spiraling out of control is another thing. Maybe...
Sad for my mother who is slowly but surely losing her way in this world. Took her to lunch today and then to the cemetery where Dad is buried. More sadness.
Sad because I am deeply missing my daughter. The holidays elevate the grief.
Sad for losing my manhood after the surgery to remove the cancerous prostate. Nothing seems to work but some regain their manhood six months to a year post operation. There is hope.
Sad for other things not mentioned and won't.
So, the walks will continue and maybe finally I will pick up the very heavy phone and call the therapist on a card I was given a month ago.
Is it January 2nd yet?
Tonight I yelled at Mom. Lost my patience and lost my temper. It is not an easy thing to constantly remind myself that her changes require adjustments on my part. I really need a break from her.
I left the house twice today and both times stayed out for a good bit of time. Apparently it was not enough. If I was healthy and running on all cylinders this would not be an easy thing I am doing. But I have many challenges, some of which will probably never be written about here, at least not in detail.
Then tonight(very early morning) anger struck me again and I said some things to a person online. I regret it.
Today was a day of regrets.
It has been said if one wants things to change then one needs to do something different. Recently, I've decided to change some of my online activity, namely to do far less of it. Hopefully this will free up some space in my brain for more valuable usage of the same.
I definitely need to change and change for the better. Some things have changed for the better over the past year but there is still an endless road to go. One step at a time.
Feels good already to not be online as much as I have been. But I might actually spend more time on Facebook and Instagram now and less time in places that poison the mind and heart.
The cup has been full for a long time. Recently it has begun to spill over and the spills are painful. I know there are spills in spite of not being able to see the cup. The cup is lost.
A few posts ago I stated I would be posting some positive things and I haven't done so yet. Tonight I am thinking of a beautiful moment that happened with Mom this afternoon. It made my day.
Back in the early 60s when I was just a young child Mom played in the church choir. She had a nice voice and blended in perfectly with the other choir members. It was decided at some point to record the singers and make an LP from the results.
For those of you who don't know what an LP is, it was the main medium for recording music prior to the invention of CDs in the 80s. LPs were great to listen to(still are) on the turntable. And I would argue they had some superiorities over CDs in sound. But I digress.
So, Mom and the others were recorded on an LP and tonight I played that record back for her. Mom who has serious memory issues started smiling and then sang along with the album! She remembered all the lyrics and it truly was a blissful moment for her. And me.
Music truly is the universal language, even for those who are losing their minds.
Beautiful.
