Dementia is hell

 Dementia is hell. 

It is beyond my comprehension why God allows for the slow death.

Time and time again I have tried to reason with Mom.

Always at the most inopportune times.

It's a lose/lose situation. 

There is no winning.

Damned if I do.

Damned if I don't.

I've exhausted myself trying to get though to her of late.

Why?

It's too late.

It's impossible.

Why God?

Why so much?

Where once a stubborn person, now an impossible person.

Soon I may have to move.

I can't go down with her ship anymore barring a miracle.

Fuck Part 2

 Not sure I am going to post much here anymore, if at all. 

Seems pointless. Just one pile of shit moment after another.  

The hand is a big problem these days.  I forgot to put a men's diaper on last night. So I wet the bed, of course. Wake up in the middle of the night in a wet bed and hand aching. Removing sheets and blankets and replacing them is not an easy thing to do on Dad's monstrous old bed, especially with painful knots in the palm. 

Meanwhile Mom is driving me crazy with repetitive bullshit. And she was getting annoyed that I could not wash and dry fast enough so she could wash some towels of which she probably has three times what she needs in her bathroom. She doesn't really need to wash towels.

 Never ending. 

I'm tired of everything.  Relief seems short lived. 

It's fucking fucked up trying to take care of Mom when I have so many issues of my own. 

Why write here anymore?

 Not exactly a warm fuzzy. 

Fuck

 Didn't post the prior post which was an unfinished poem.  Too personal.

So, here we go again with more turmoil. 

It never ends. 

Never. 

I have cords under the skin of my left hand.

It's causing the fingers to curl up, especially at night.

Sometimes hurts like fuck to uncurl them. 

Rarely stops hurting at all.  

I see a hand surgeon on the 14th.  

Happy fucking Valentines Day.

 I must avoid another surgery if possible.  

My nurse told me it depends on me and how much pain and dysfunction I can handle.

Actually I can handle a lot.  

I've had this issue for years.

Covid-19 exacerbated it the past month. 

Fuck.