The hazards of non instant coffee...

Greetings and regurgitations all you blog readers out there. I am sure this blog gets read by millions. OK, thousands. Maybe hundreds. OK, a few people a day might read this per that nifty software I have that keeps track of such things.

I hope that all you readers out there in reader land have had a good week. it has been good here. Today started out rather oddly I would say. OK, I would not say started out odd, let's say resumed odd. I did wake up early this morning which is odd in it's own write but that was not so odd. Eventually I found my way back to sleep. Sleep was in the bed. That is where I found it.

Slept till flipping two this afternoon! I crap you not! Would I crap you? I would not. Realizing I was out of instant coffee I made enough for three cups in the coffee maker. You know, those machines that supposedly make real coffee but require too many steps when one is sleepy upon awakening?

Now what happened next has happened before and only proves the hazards of drinking non instant coffee. Some would call it real. I dunno. I would call it unreal. But with sleepy eyes I went to the computer and started checking email and surfing a bit. In the back of my sleepy mind I remember thinking something is odd about the way the coffee sounds. Something is odd. But it remained only in the back of my sleepy mind. I anxiously awaited that first cup this afternoon.

Finally I heard only silence. Time for that cup! Upon entering the kitchen it became immediately apparent that there would be somewhat of a delay in coffee drinking. That is unless I wanted to slurp it off the floor or counter top. Yep, yours truly did not put the canister underneath the dealy where the coffee comes out. So the coffee went where it went which created odd sounds which only made it to the back of my sleepy mind as it occurred.

So I decided this will not happen again anytime soon!

I went to the store and got some damn instant coffee!

Dream a little dream...

It is rare when I remember a dream anymore. It is hyper rare when I dream in color. This afternoon I did both. After awakening, each reclosing of the eyes only brought the nightmarish images back into my mind. So I got up and blogged it.

Anyone care for a swim?

In my small Volkswagen Bug like car I was traveling around a somewhat dryish looking lake. It was outside my window to my left and contained beautiful shades of blues and browns. The browns of the muddy exposed shorelines were a rich brown. The blues of the lakes water were a vibrant blue given life from the sunny days rays.

Looking back to find the road I was traveling, I could not find it. Instead I was suddenly in the water. Stalling out was my first thought as I realized the water was deepening rapidly. My next thought was I was being sucked into this lake which had a more than strong current. It was that of a river gone wild. I was going to lose my car, no question. No, I was in danger of losing my life. It had all happened that fast. The car was almost completely submerged and sinking.

The rich muddy browns of the shore were becoming dull and distant. The sky had clouded over and the previously rich blues of the water, which now had my life in its grip, had became eerily greenish. Looking to the shore there was a small area with four or five people congregating. I screamed! "HELP"! In spite of our great distance and the loud roar of the water, they heard me. But nothing they could do. Except watch me drown. I knew the current was too strong for anyone to enter. This was it. In a few moments I would be dead.

I could stay in the car and drown or get out of the car and drown. Car or current? Which one?. I chose the car.

Suddenly I was swept to the right by what must have been a counter current. Or maybe God was looking down on me. The water logged car came near shallow water and I lunged out of it, landing on my feet and starting running. Somehow I found myself on the shore. Dry shore at that. I could not look back. I could only run as fast as I could towards the people I had screamed at.

Then I woke up.

Good Monday...

Good morning. Good Monday. Good moon day. It's a good day to be mooned. It's a good day to be spooned. It's a good day to be marooned. It's a good day to swoon. It's never too soon to sound like a loon. Do climb the dune before you are fume. This is not gloom for this is your tune. This is not June yet you live in that cocoon. Don't be a raccoon but stay the human baboon. Perhaps we'll go boom in the middle of noon. Perhaps a spoon unless forks are the tune. The tune is in bloom, it didn't come too soon.

Good moon day...

A sad day...

This morning I was on the phone with a friend around ten or so when a knock was heard on my door. Oh no, I thought. It must be my neighbor Mary. Slowly and with light feet I approached the door to peep through the peephole. It was Mary.

Being on the phone I felt I could open the door as that would give me an out from any extensive monologue that was about to possibly take place. She proceeded to tell me of a neighbor who was barbecuing and selling it for $5.00 today. Um, OK. Thanks for the info. I shut the door and laughed, telling my friend, this is the sort of thing she knocks on my door for.

Perhaps she wanted to tell me something else this morning. I don't know. I did not stay around long enough to listen.

Perhaps she wanted to tell me she was about to take her beloved dog in to be put to sleep. I don't know. Today Angel, her dog was put to rest at 11 am.

Tears are still in my eyes as I type this. Mary told me just a few minutes ago when I was outside doing important things like taking the trash out and retrieving the mail. She looked lost. She looked sad. She looked distraught. She looked like she had lost her best friend. She did I think. " I'm sorry Mary, I said. I am really sorry. I know how that feels. I have done it twice". I stood at my patio with a lump in my throat. Tears formed. There was no stopping it.

So I listened to anything she had to say which was not much and very out of character for Mary. My voice cracked and after reminding her that Angel is no longer suffering I said I want you to know I feel really sad for you right now. She thanked me and her voice cracked. We both started to cry.

For the first time in a long time Mary walked away first.

Switch tunes when they get stuck...

The Doors. What a flippin great band they were! Jim Morrison? Flippin amazing. Actually a poet who just happened to sing in a band and make it big. Great stuff. Break on Through is in my head but I am switching my mental tunes now to Riders On The Storm. Got to love that one too.

I have found if you get a song stuck in your head the best remedy is to replace it with an equally cool tune which does of course also get stuck in your head. But variety is the spice of life, so they say.

I wonder if that philosophy applies to tunes stuck in ones head?

The Lioness and the Twin...

In beauty held bound by vaporous walking around
With ugly retorts, anger's venomous accusations sound
Storms plummet about, covering each other as without
Yet remain, their spreading calm, felt a whispering shout

What storms, what calm, what can become when one?
What's liked, what's loved, which way will overcome?
What is it with you two, spoken of the Lioness and the Twin?
Descend or rise, roar or split, with each coda, begin again.

Is it Friday?

Seems like it is Friday. All day today I have thought it is Friday and it is bordering on irritating to me now, this particular obsessive thought gone awry. The constant reminders to myself that it is in fact Thursday is becoming highly annoying! It is quite similar to getting a song stuck in your head and not being to get it out. I hate not being able to get things out. Man oh man.

It's sunny outside and were it not still hot it would be a beautiful day. I think it is a beautiful day anyway. Yeah. I feel good right now. Mentally, physically, even emotionally. Spiritually, I feel neither good nor bad. All in all I just feel great. And done without having to choose to feel good. We all know how that one goes, right? Sometimes we feel like do do or caca(insert shit here if you like) for whatever reason but we will act as if we are OK and tell others the same. We will choose to be happy sometimes when we aren't. It is nice not to have to extend that sort of effort. Not today anyway. But what day is today?

Is it Friday?

Fuck me!

Wow, I said fuck on my blog. How fucking crude and repulsive of me. Sorry about that, folks. Fuck that shit. I really don' think very highly of those people who gratuitously spill forth obscenities without reason. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever does it? I use to say fuck a lot but anymore I try not to say fuck too much as it is too fucking decadent a thing to fucking say. Words lose their fucking power or meaning when overused so it makes no fucking sense to say fuck all the time. And I think those people are fucked that fucking say fuck all the time. I bet they don't do the wild thang very fucking much either. Fuck that.

Is it Friday?

Odd times and old friends...

Most of us probably don't like to hear it when another is feeling ill so I won't tell you I am feeling somewhat under the weather. Yes I will. I feel somewhat under the weather. Deal with it! Perhaps it is merely a sympathetic under the weather scenario since a friend of mine has not been been feeling up to par. That must be it. Yeah.

Last night an odd thing occurred. I woke up at 4:30 am after sleeping for three hours or so. That's not so odd but eventually talking to someone I haven't in 33 or 34 years is a tad odd. Yes, I would say so. Decided to add my education onto my MySpace profile. It only took my high school for whatever reason. After adding the school I did a search for alumni from the 70's and recognized a friendly face almost immediately.

Sent an email and corresponded back and forth a few times at MySpace. Tonight we talked on the phone probably for the very first time EVER, not just in 33 or 34 years but ever. Strange, odd. We did not recognize one anothers voice. Lol. It was nice to reminisce about the past of so long ago. Two old friends whose years exceed half a century talking of life way back at 17 years of age or so. Indescribable.

Time is in charge. We only think we are sometimes. I guess that's why each day is so important to enjoy life to the fullest. Making moments matter, that's what matters.

Another friend had tests done today and seemed in good spirits in listening to her message. She has been in my thoughts and I am hoping all will be OK for her. I just have a strong feeling it will be. But I am not feeling too strong myself tonight. Earlier I was feeling light headed and almost faint like. Odd. I think I will blame it on her. Lol. Will I get sympathy for sympathy pain? No? OK.

It's good to be alive tonight...

A sleeping awareness

Into slumber's silence falls this nights rest
Breathing's shallow pace motioning in the night
A startling awareness suddenly made manifest
A return to silence beyond unquestioned delight

Asleep now to the world, remaining closely tethered
Living each breath together, dreaming's airy shadow
United in soul fashion says a writer and his other
Twins agreement roars a lioness amidst their meadow

A desire to understand his understanding of desire

All is not always as it seems. As I have blogged previously about your truth, my truth and THE truth, it seems that quite often reality is found somewhere in the middle. That can be a good thing. Middle ground. It's a good thing to search for. Reasonable too. I suppose there are multiple forms of middle ground worthy of search, particularly when in the dark on things. I don't know what I mean by that...

Is not a desire to understand the beginning point for clarity? If one wants something bad enough is that not half the battle already? If one wants to analyze and comprehend what has gone awry in a relationship one is in or has been in, it can be a difficult task to think objectively to say the least. How can one? How can one be unbias? Is it possible one can step outside of self and think in the third person realm? "I" becomes "he"in other words. Then look at what happened. What did HE do? What happened to HIM? Remove the emotion from the equation. It was not "me", it was "he" . Also what about stepping into the other persons shoes, HER shoes? They may be a difficult fit and be very uncomfortable. Especially if not use to wearing women's shoes...lol

However it's a beautiful thing when some degree of clarification makes itself known. Maybe not all doubts are removed and cannot be removed. Maybe some things may never make perfect sense but it's nice when some things do. Make sense that is. Listening to another and not reacting helps sometimes. Just listening. Caring enough to listen.

Tonight I feel very much at peace.

The world is not a perfect place to live in. None of us get out of this place called life other than as a human form while being here in life. So everywhere we look, we see imperfection. We live in a world of imperfections. Yet, we all seem to strive for the ultimate perfection in whatever it is we pursue. Is that not generally true? The perfect job, the perfect person, Mr. or Miss. Perfect, the perfect drug, the perfect drink, the perfect this, the perfect that. Maybe we expect ourselves to be perfect. Doesn't exist. Not here anyway. Perhaps another realm.

Tonight I feel very much at peace.

I feel something else also...

A desire to understand...

How is it possible to go out into the world, that place where other people are, buy groceries and not buy doughnuts? How can that be possible? Tonight I find myself in utter need of a doughnut and have none. The corner store is closed and forgetful me also forgot to get up there before they closed. I have been reduced to visions of future devouring of glazed doughnuts.

But I digress now...

Presently I am sorting through many thoughts and feelings. I say presently but actually have been the past several days. I feel as though I could write without ceasing and I also feel like I can't put my thoughts together to write the next sentence. Don't know if anyone can relate to that or not. Almost like a fog of sorts. I do know the fog will dissipate and I will see more clearly as that is what fogs do.

When we have a certain history with a person it is natural I think to perceive things based on that history, more or less. And I would add both the good and the bad. Of course. Are we not the sum total of our experiences? Yet how much of the time spent perceiving another's actions is out of balance with keeping our own actions or just as importantly lack of action(s), in check? Hmm. If something concerns me and I don't make those concerns abundantly clear to the other party, then what am I doing? If I only talk about it a couple of times and then not even directly what am I doing? If it comes out of me later on in an explosive sort of way is that not passive/aggressive behavior?

I find mind reading or telepathy as some would call it interesting, to say the least. . However it is not a frequent occurrence and certainly not something I expect of others. Or do I? Lol! When we get close to someone, particularly emotionally close, the minds sometimes can connect in a paranormal sort of way. Twins are the classic example of this. One can know what is going on with the other even when apart. Amazing but true stuff. A point I want to make is I do have a past history of repressed feelings and thoughts, a past history of passive-aggressive behavior. This past surfaces at times. In combination with that is a disposition whereby I sometimes expect others to read me, right or wrong, whether they can at that moment or not. They should be reading the analysis which is occurring in my spinning brain at times. Why aren't they? Do they not have a clue? Can't they read my mind?

And that is just not fair. Not fair to them. My best friend told me long ago I was a card holder. I've never forgotten that. He said I always have a card to play. It may be hidden but there is always one to be played. I don't like surprises. Bad ones anyway. Lol. So, yes for a long long time I have been a card holder, always having at least one in reserve to be played at the proper time. That can be good for some things and bad for others. When it comes to people and relationships it may not always be a good thing.

When I am hurt by someone to what degree is that happening, due to me holding a card or two? To what degree is passive-aggressive behavior occurring? To what degree have I repressed my thoughts and feelings as opposed to expressing them? To what degree do I ultimately go off on another when I have been hurt for whatever reason?

What I have written here has been an attempt to reflect a little more objectively about certain events in my life this summer from the point of view of my side of the street. I don't always keep my side of the street clean. I wish I did. I do much more than I use to but sometimes it can get trashy. I can blame no one other than myself when it occurs.

This is some sort of start on something.

Stay tuned.

Dogs and where does the time go?

Grossly overdue on grocery shopping, this afternoon I found my way there via my ex(first) accompanied by my youngest son. So good to see him. Damn good. He is 12 and actually likes school so far this year. Amazing. He is a great kid with a great heart. We had a blast talking nonsense of all sorts as we weaved in and out of isles. He grabbed some light bulbs for his mother. Told him I would pay for them. After all they were my ride there and I was buying 12 light bulbs already, what is 4 more? I told my ex when we rendezvoused at checkout that it was the least I could do for her. I also told her it was the most I could do for her. (insert devilish grin here). She laughed.

On the way home I told her and my son of Mary, my neighbors and her ill dog(see prior post...I need to learn how to link here...oh well). When I finished telling them that sad story my ex told me Max was not doing too good.

Max is a dog we got way back in late 94, not long after I sobered up. He is acting disoriented and one eye has gone blind. He is not very active at all anymore she said and much of the time has to be picked up if he is to move at all anywhere. It's like he is not aware of anyone around him. Very undog like. I said it sounds like he will have to be put down soon. She agreed. I reminded her of what happened with our first dog and how he suffered too long. She promised not to do that.

With eyes full of tears I hugged my son for a long long time, not wanting to let him go. I asked him to pet Max for me. He said he would and his eyes now mirrored mine. We said our goodbyes and I went inside and cried.

Where does the time go? I blinked and Max is an old dog and ill.

This weekend I am going to go out of my way to see how Mary, my neighbor and her dog are doing. I may even flippin knock on her door if I have to. That will be a first.

Ramble on...

As I write this it does occur to me that I should be asleep, operative words being "should be". Shoulda , woulda, coulda. Blah, blah, blah.

But I am not. I did doze out earlier then reawakened. And I am sure you the reader, whomever you might be, is greatly concerned about my sleeping patterns so I found it necessary to open the blog with the same.

Anyone for a little narcissism?

No? Ok. But this is my blog and so it is all about me. Well maybe not. Well maybe. I dunno. Let me ask my twin...he says perhaps.

Ever wake up in the middle of the night and had Ramen noodles? You know the ones that have about 900% of the recommended daily intake for sodium, aka salt? Ok, so 900% is an exaggeration. Blah, blah. I just had some. This is what happens when one still has not made it to the grocery store when in dire need to do the same. One is reduced to eating things like Ramen noodles. I just had some. They were not so bad but they were not doughnuts.

The narcissistic me wanted doughnuts. You see, earlier I got into a discussion with someone who also likes doughnuts and we talked about doughnuts. Talking about doughnuts late at night is mouth watering. Talking about them certainly fueled the desire the have the same. But doughnuts I did not have. So I went to sleep albeit briefly and awoke hungry. That's why presently 900% sodium occupies my stomach.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get some Ramen noodles.

Nice writing to you. If you think I am crazy you are correct. But as they say it takes one to know one. Original thought of mine. Do you like it?

An old lady upstairs...

My neighbor from upstairs was outside today and it became immediately apparent to me it was too late to withdraw rapidly back into my apartment. I had been seen with trash bags in hand. What, am I gonna drop the bags and run back inside?

She is an older lady in her late 60's to early 70's. She is the type that will talk unceasingly to you while you say uh huh, yes, I see, and various other and assorted responses like that, while she engages in her repetitive monologue. She is a good person with a good heart. She is just lonely and so anyone who she talks to , their time becomes her time. She means no harm but is relentless. I am always the one to have to say something so I can move my stiff legs after standing there listening to her for eons. "I have to go do this or that" I will say to get away.

Today I let her talk without limit. Her dog is sick. I knew he was ill but had not heard a diagnosis. It turns out he is so full of cancer that the surgery to remove a huge tumor would probably not save him and in fact might end his life sooner due to complications and/or his present health. So surgery was cancelled.

Tears came to her eyes telling me this. She lives alone except for this dog who she has had for ten years now. I felt the same in my eyes knowing she was going lose this dog , probably her only real friend. She said she could just go crazy about all her medical problems , her kids problems and now her dog's but she still had her faith. Her faith in God. That could not be taken away. Her faith.

Eventually we parted. Picked up the bag of trash and headed to the dumpster thinking about what she had said and thinking about her ill friend, her dog named Angel.

Ambiguity

Ambiguity rode the fleeting folly into a path of circumstance
Along the way were found stones of harmful circumference
Along the way scintillating sand was felt beneath each step
Beneath each step clogged impressions remained adept .

Intensity's push permeated a repeated path of chosen chance
Affections felt as one, natures course a mystery, a spurious dance
Affections fell into tumbling decay, where missteps stood awry
Between each step symmetry saturated each, with shaping sighs.

Compelled to walk in captivation's path of circumstance
Yet another trail with an untimely tale, unseen with mere glance
Yet stones or sand in a wind of change remain stones and sand
Between each stone remains shifted sand in beauty while at hand.

What's next?

Don't know. I don't think defending myself on certain points or even admitting my wrongs(of course I have them) or creating drama is the way to go at this point. It has been said there is your truth , my truth and then there is THE truth. I like that. Reality is quite often found in the middle somewhere, not at ends of a spectrum, either direction. Extremes are difficult. And I can be quite extreme. So right now I am quite bias.

Yet I have been a pursuer of THE truth for a long, long time. It's difficult of course because who can really look at anything, anything at all, without some bias or subjectivity getting in the way? Hard to do. I know I can't. All I can do is try to minimize it. And it is a cool pursuit. Some say reality is subjective. Some say objective. I tend to think it CAN be both. I do solidly believe that if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around that it makes a noise. That is objective reality. I also believe the mind is so powerful that it can create or alter reality. Perhaps the mind can make a tree fall in the woods...

Right now I don't know why I am typing this blog or where it is going. There are many thoughts and some strong emotions permeating me. Later foks.