A desire to understand...

How is it possible to go out into the world, that place where other people are, buy groceries and not buy doughnuts? How can that be possible? Tonight I find myself in utter need of a doughnut and have none. The corner store is closed and forgetful me also forgot to get up there before they closed. I have been reduced to visions of future devouring of glazed doughnuts.

But I digress now...

Presently I am sorting through many thoughts and feelings. I say presently but actually have been the past several days. I feel as though I could write without ceasing and I also feel like I can't put my thoughts together to write the next sentence. Don't know if anyone can relate to that or not. Almost like a fog of sorts. I do know the fog will dissipate and I will see more clearly as that is what fogs do.

When we have a certain history with a person it is natural I think to perceive things based on that history, more or less. And I would add both the good and the bad. Of course. Are we not the sum total of our experiences? Yet how much of the time spent perceiving another's actions is out of balance with keeping our own actions or just as importantly lack of action(s), in check? Hmm. If something concerns me and I don't make those concerns abundantly clear to the other party, then what am I doing? If I only talk about it a couple of times and then not even directly what am I doing? If it comes out of me later on in an explosive sort of way is that not passive/aggressive behavior?

I find mind reading or telepathy as some would call it interesting, to say the least. . However it is not a frequent occurrence and certainly not something I expect of others. Or do I? Lol! When we get close to someone, particularly emotionally close, the minds sometimes can connect in a paranormal sort of way. Twins are the classic example of this. One can know what is going on with the other even when apart. Amazing but true stuff. A point I want to make is I do have a past history of repressed feelings and thoughts, a past history of passive-aggressive behavior. This past surfaces at times. In combination with that is a disposition whereby I sometimes expect others to read me, right or wrong, whether they can at that moment or not. They should be reading the analysis which is occurring in my spinning brain at times. Why aren't they? Do they not have a clue? Can't they read my mind?

And that is just not fair. Not fair to them. My best friend told me long ago I was a card holder. I've never forgotten that. He said I always have a card to play. It may be hidden but there is always one to be played. I don't like surprises. Bad ones anyway. Lol. So, yes for a long long time I have been a card holder, always having at least one in reserve to be played at the proper time. That can be good for some things and bad for others. When it comes to people and relationships it may not always be a good thing.

When I am hurt by someone to what degree is that happening, due to me holding a card or two? To what degree is passive-aggressive behavior occurring? To what degree have I repressed my thoughts and feelings as opposed to expressing them? To what degree do I ultimately go off on another when I have been hurt for whatever reason?

What I have written here has been an attempt to reflect a little more objectively about certain events in my life this summer from the point of view of my side of the street. I don't always keep my side of the street clean. I wish I did. I do much more than I use to but sometimes it can get trashy. I can blame no one other than myself when it occurs.

This is some sort of start on something.

Stay tuned.