After missing two days of work I went back tonight. Thankfully it was a short night as there was no stamina. The stamina was spent before it was even needed. But it was a short night. During that short night it seemed that people kept looking at me in a penetrating sort of way and smiling. It was odd. Maybe I am just paranoid.
I don't know why I get so angry sometimes. They say underneath most forms of anger there is a layer of fear. I totally believe that. But what is it I am afraid of that causes me to really get angry at times. And only at a certain person. Irregardless of her stance on things or what she may or may not do, WHY do I get so angry?
Why?
I am an emotional person. More so than many I suppose. When I was with my second wife for those two short years, much that had been repressed began to surface. A lifetime of emotions it seems, were coming to the surface. I suddenly could cry for what seemed like the first time since childhood. Any emotion one can think of suddenly became more felt to me, including anger. With her I developed quite a temper. But knowing her was a real blessing even though it didn't work out. She was a catalyst for much that is good in my life to this day. I will always be glad she was a part of my life. I felt a lot and experienced a lot with her. Because of her I love to write. Because of her I love to feel.
Feelings are neither right nor wrong they say. They also say it is what we do with those feelings that matter. So. I don't like it when I hurt others because of my feelings. I particularly don't like it when it is someone my feelings run deep for.
At the moment I feel distraught and melancholy in a not so good way.
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Hey, you. Have you ever read Conversations with God (part one). I feel the need to mention the part one part because I think he's been talkig to god for one thousand and three books now and it's hard to keep up. But my friend George read a passage out of it to me this summer, a passage about love, and it goes like this:
For the first thing you worry about after saying "I love you" is whether you'll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you begin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes a reaction - defense against loss -
ID, I wonder sometimes if it is possible to free ourselves from selfish love? "I will love you if you love me back?" or "I will love you if you love me back the way I want you to?" Perhaps this is why friendships are easier to manage. I can just love you, and I do, without any concern or worry about how you feel in return. My love flows out from me - it is not a seeking thing, it is a giving thing. But romantic love has an aspect of the seeking. Unhealthy romantic love probably has a large aspect of the seeking; romantic love can be, at times, almost solely influenced by how the lover interprets the "love" s/he is getting in return.
My goal as a human is to have ALL of my love be giving, not seeking, even my romantic relationships. That is my expectation now for what I want with a man. If I meet a man that I truly LOVE, with caring and hope for his life, with prayer of happiness FOR him, and he, holy shit, thinks his happiness is with me, then I will be both unbelievably lucky and unbelievably grateful. But I want nothing less than that. So if I am going after someone who makes me feel bad at least a quarter of the time because I am not sure he likes me or I am not sure he likes me as he should or I am not sure he likes me as much as I like him or he's just, you know, treating me bad, then that is not the love I want. In that case, I will know that the selfish part of romantic love has stuck its snake head into my relationship and is bobbing about weighing and measuring, making sure I get what I deserve, and I will know that that is not as healthy I want my relationships to be.
I read once " I love you not for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you" and I believe there is a bit to be said for that, too. I have had relationshps with people I "cared" for very much indeed, men I would have told you I loved, and I think I did, you know, as much as I could, but I acted like a jerk. I was batting from a defensive position all the time, and treated them poorly, quick to judge, quick to strike, and quick to take offense. Still, I thought that was a loving relationship (hahahahhaa!). One of the things I am learning now, along with that LOVE is truly a giving thing that flows only one direction, out from me, (it can flow out from you towards me, but my love only flows out), is that I want a relationship in which I love who *I* am, as much as I love who he is.
I wonder if you, my friend, are in a place - with your defensive and your anger - of not being ready for a *healthy* relationship? Unhealthy? No problem! You got that down! (hell, so do I!) But healthy? Are you looking for someone who can give you a healthy relationship or are you still spinning into the drama?
Only you know the answer to that - god knows I can't even figure that out myself, let alone work it out about someone based on a few lines type-written on the internet. But it's a question worth considering, not just for you, perhaps for all of us.
Thanks for your thoughts Zooty! Was some food for thought but wow, what a freaking book comment you have left! LOL!
First of all I have not read the book, although it has been recommended to me many many times. Heard it's good. For some reason I could not get past the title(it sounds so presumptous to me). I am weird like that. Maybe I should get past the title but never could.
Some random thoughts...love, true love in its purest form and even being unconditional, will always be flawed? Why? Because it will be emanating from a human being. Us humans are flawed and we cannot love perfectly. I won't mention Gods love or Jesus or any of that. That is a whole other deal.
The most any of us can do is STRIVE towards perfectly loving another but we can't practice it perfectly ALL THE TIME. Again we are human and we err. I suggest what matters is to what degree.
12 step groups say if you want to find out how fucked up you are, then get into a relationship! LOL! Maybe I am too fucked up to be in a relationship. Maybe I am far less fucked up then I use to be(that actually is a surety). Maybe I will never be any less or any more fucked up than I am now. LOL. Maybe this, maybe that. I don't fucking know. LOL!
What I do know is the whole fucking world has gone mad. The whole fucking world is neurotic and so called healthy or "normal" relationships fall somewhere into the more than hard to find to non existent category. And frankly normal has always bored me! LOL. I like a little levity at times. Eccentricity is a cool thing.
OK, I will admit I probably need to get back into recovery and make more improvements upon myself. Maybe even become somewhat spiritual again. LOL! Theorectcally that would translate into more healthy relationships they say. But God, that sounds so boring. LOL!
Hmmmm, I was not going to write much but I have anyway.
Irregardless of what else is going on, forgiveness and not living in the past seems vitally important to me right now. That brings some peace of mind and peace of mind is something highly coveted at the moment.
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