New Years Eve, the best holiday...

Unless I am extremely exhausted or have been awake virtually all night then I cannot sleep as a of late. Once again I find myself getting out of bed after a period of mind racing thoughts has sped me out of bed.

The one thought among many that got me out of bed this time was that I was going to be alone on New Years Eve. I fucking hate that. Last year I avoided it by being with my parents on my Dad's 80th birthday. His birthday is New Years Eve. Historically New Years Eve has been my favorite holiday due to the inherent attribute it instills on me to reflect and think back. To reflect and think forward. I get off on crap like that. I like it. I love it. That's why I hate New Years Eve now. Of all the holidays it is the worst to be alone on. In my book anyway.

That scene in "When Harry Met Sally" when they are together on New Years Eve. I love it. That is beyond wonderful. Everyone should experience that wonderfulness on New Years Eve.

Fucking holiday. I'll be glad when it passes.

The pain of heartache...

Almost Christmas. Almost the end of the year. Almost.

New beginnings. New beginnings are needed. I need new beginnings.

Looking back the year brought great joy into my life personally. It also brought great pain. But that is life is it not? Life presents itself to us with good. It presents us with bad. Without both, without conflicts, without challenges how could we ever grow? How could we ever survive?

Some think it is the good times that make us closer to another. To an extent I believe that to be partially true. But I believe it is the difficult times that are weathered together that make us truly closer. No doubt about it. That is where real growth comes from. Why? Cause conflicts cannot be avoided, not over an extended period of time anyway. Something magical happens when serious conflicts are worked through, talked about. Closeness. Closer. A deeper bond.

If it was easy everyone would do it. Everyone would make it. Not many relationships seem to make it anymore. It must not be easy.

I taught my grandchild a new word tonight...

Yes I did. But before I reveal the all important word that my beautiful granddaughter learned tonight from her beautiful grandfather(hey, I am beautiful too aren't I? Yes! LOL!) I will say it was wonderful to have my daughter call impromptu to go eat. Even though I had just eaten eight oatmeal raisin cookies and two burritos off we went. Wonderful.

In March my daughters daughter will be two. She is picking up words left and right. I thought it only fitting that she pick up that all important word that she will use all the days of her life. Yes. So I ordered some and then told her what it was. She said the word immediately very articulately and my daughter confirmed that this was the first time she had ever said the word.

What was the word? What was the all important word?

Coffee.

:)

Too bad it wasn't instant...

Losing what is found...

I wish things were different.

Sometimes I wish I was younger, born in a different time. Sometimes I wish I had not become older, somewhat cynical and set in my ways. I wish I could change certain things. But I am a realist. I may be a dreamer but I am also a realist. But maybe I am too much a realist. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I am lost.

I wish things were different.

That which makes us whole, that which fills us up, that which makes us complete, that which comes along only rarely in life, that mutual thing that I believe very few ever experience on a truly deep level, that thing that requires the occasional compromise and requires the ever listening ear, all of that and more...It is beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Others may not be able to see it. Others may not understand it. Others may see it as foolishness. But I tell you it is a beautiful and precious thing.

And I tell you the loss of that is the most painful thing in the world.

Some boring rambling...

Got a couple of hot pockets warming in the microwave and a little time before work so thought I would blog.

Yesterday sucked. That's all I will say about the sucking. Movie wise I only watched two, Twister and The Perfect Storm. Twister is an old tape recorded off HBO my ex loaned me(the tape looks to be a zillion years old) which kept jumping and was hard to watch and listen to. Took all day to watch it. Good movie, good effects but it does not effect me like the first zillion times I saw it with the kids while still married to my ex.

The Perfect Storm. I love this movie. I am not sure why. Everyone knows what will happen. It is quite the predictable movie. Maybe it is the drive of the characters in it , their determination, the relationships between the fishermen, the intensity of the storm and their relationship to it. Maybe it is all of that. I dunno. I liked it again. Can't wait to watch all the extras.

That was all I got watched yesterday, movie wise. 48 Hours Mystery was on TV and was OK but predictable. Nice to have the other movies in the can waiting to be watched. And tonight we have The Amazing Race! Joy! LOL!

The hot pockets are good. The coffee is good. The sky is cloudy, not looking so good. In fact just looked out the window and the wind has picked up and blowing dead leaves around. That means rain soon.

It is already raining within me. Bring on the New Year. Bring on another time far and away from the present...

Movie time...

Whether it be here or the occasional MySpace blogging recently it seems I keep second guessing myself. Most of what I have written as of late remains unpublished. Most will remain that way and some is going to delete land.

So I thought I would try to write something and actually publish it. But what? I am tired of writing poems only to not publish them. I am tired of writing prose only to not publish it. Last night in the middle of the night I did publish something here. I immediately sent it back to draftland.

My walls are up. Maybe that is a good thing. I hurt.

So I think I will talk about the morning so far. Did the walk thing up to Walmart this morning. Along the way I witnessed two buzzards eating rotting carcasses. Walked right by the scavengers. Nasty. Stunk. Then I walked right by an automobile accident accompanied by many wreckers and an ambulance. Someone was in deep trouble. The thought occurred to me that I had not been in a wreck nor was I being eaten by vultures. My life is not so bad.

For escapism purposes I bought 4 movies today. Actually make that 5 since one is a double feature. Check out what I got!

Movie #1: Reservoir Dogs. This is a movie which has evaded me for many years. I first became aware of it back in 1998. A friend at work said it was a must see. It was always flipping checked out at the video store or when I would see it in stock, I would rent something else instead that I was dieing to see more. Go figure. A number of times I could have purchased it but I was not willing to pay $20.00 for a movie I have not seen. I got it today for $5.00. Looking forward to it. Stay tuned for a review.

Movie #2 and #3 The Perfect Storm/Three Kings. Ahhhh, George Clooney. The Perfect Storm I have rented twice. Loved it. Have been wanting to see it again and got one with all the extras and an extra movie too, Three Kings. This one I have not heard of but looks interesting. Stay tuned for a review.

Movie #4 Blazing Saddles. Yep. For $5.00 I got the 30th anniversary deluxe edition with all the many extras. I have seen this of course. One of the funniest movies of all time in my opinion. I cannot wait to see it again! I talked to someone today who lives in a bubble. They had never heard of the movie! LMAO!

Movie#5 The Doors. 2 DVD special edition again for $5.00. I love Walmart. I love the flippin Doors. I love Meg Ryan(well I use to anyway, sort of still do, I guess). Have seen this but only once. The Doors music AND this movie can be depressing so I will have to watch it at the right time. I do recall that Meg bears her boobies in it so that is something to look forward to. Yes, I am an animal. I admit it. I never claimed to be a saint.

That is it for the day so far. Been to MySpace too. Oh and I have been to McDonald's at Walmart. Got the double cheeseburger and a large Diet Coke.

Thank God for movies. Maybe before I start on the others I will watch Twister. It has been sitting out waiting to be watched again. Yeah, Twister.

A starburst of clouds...

Brilliant starburst pluming overhead, expanding tomorrow's cloud 

 Reds, blacks radiating beyond vision, leaving a remnant of dull gray  

Beautiful echo, bouncing a heart's tale, soft whispers not too loud 

Touching each soul's core, revealing a mystery made without delay

A year it has been...

Back around the 1998 to 1999 period I was a three pack a day smoker. That became a pack to a pack and a half when I stopped smoking inside. Many many times I have quit. I have used the patch three times, the nicotine gum once(what a joke that is) and cold turkey countless times. The longest periods of time I have stayed smoke free have ALWAYS been when I quit cold turkey. The problem with the patch folks is they do not supply a "psychological patch" and cigarette addiction is far more than a mere physical addiction. Yep. Hello.

Having picked it up as a habit in 1993 it has been hell trying to quit every since. The past couple of years when I would smoke that first one in the morning accompanied by that first cup of coffee, I would almost invariably become depressed. I am not sure if it was a chemical change in the brain causing this or my subconscious mind screaming out for me to quit. Either way smoking became something I did only to feed the ongoing addiction and try somewhat to relax. I hated it. Most of the time I did not actually enjoy it anymore. And I was not REALLY relaxed as a smoker. Uptight city in fact.

The physical pain of quiting does not last. The psychological aspect is another matter altogether. It scares me when people go back after long periods of time off of it, even years and years of not smoking. But that is their life and not mine. The longest I have ever stayed smoke free is around 18 months.

TODAY I have been quit for one year!

It was a year wrought with many many times of wanting to smoke. But it all comes down to choices and awareness of consequences. I feel grateful to have made it this long. I feel happy to be smoke free. All the years I have not had a drink yet I was still hiding behind a cigarette. Well, I am tired of hiding. I am tired of running. No more. Everything needs to be real and remain real.

Something tells me this coming year will be the greatest of my life. Something tells me. And that feels very real. And real is wonderful.

I feel alive.