A year it has been...

Back around the 1998 to 1999 period I was a three pack a day smoker. That became a pack to a pack and a half when I stopped smoking inside. Many many times I have quit. I have used the patch three times, the nicotine gum once(what a joke that is) and cold turkey countless times. The longest periods of time I have stayed smoke free have ALWAYS been when I quit cold turkey. The problem with the patch folks is they do not supply a "psychological patch" and cigarette addiction is far more than a mere physical addiction. Yep. Hello.

Having picked it up as a habit in 1993 it has been hell trying to quit every since. The past couple of years when I would smoke that first one in the morning accompanied by that first cup of coffee, I would almost invariably become depressed. I am not sure if it was a chemical change in the brain causing this or my subconscious mind screaming out for me to quit. Either way smoking became something I did only to feed the ongoing addiction and try somewhat to relax. I hated it. Most of the time I did not actually enjoy it anymore. And I was not REALLY relaxed as a smoker. Uptight city in fact.

The physical pain of quiting does not last. The psychological aspect is another matter altogether. It scares me when people go back after long periods of time off of it, even years and years of not smoking. But that is their life and not mine. The longest I have ever stayed smoke free is around 18 months.

TODAY I have been quit for one year!

It was a year wrought with many many times of wanting to smoke. But it all comes down to choices and awareness of consequences. I feel grateful to have made it this long. I feel happy to be smoke free. All the years I have not had a drink yet I was still hiding behind a cigarette. Well, I am tired of hiding. I am tired of running. No more. Everything needs to be real and remain real.

Something tells me this coming year will be the greatest of my life. Something tells me. And that feels very real. And real is wonderful.

I feel alive.