This and that

 2023 was a heavy year and a mountain I won't climb tonight. 

Texting got surreal tonight. Someone had an "episode" and took it out on me.  I didn't take it personally, but it's a scary thing to witness or be a part of. It's a helpless feeling when anything said is wrong and a scary feeling listening to silence.

It's freezing outside which tends to make us older critters chilled to the bone in spite of having the heater on. There is no getting warm. 

In spite of the mellow mood, I'm appreciative for the lifting of a lifetime of anxiety from my shoulders over the past few months. Ironically this has occurred at the same time my physical health took a nosedive. There's a reason that unease has taken a vacation, but that tale will be told another time.

Have a good night/day all of you out there in Internet Land.

A history of God and me part 25 aka 2022

 2022 was a dark year, nevertheless God was Light. I may have not realized it most of the time, but His providence was there.

January, I decided to take a planned unplanned road trip in which some much needed get away was to be gotten. I also envisioned a time of working on writing a short novel regarding the formative years of my daughter's life.  Towards the latter part of the month, that preoccupation was replaced with concerns over Dad and his insidious heart issues. 

February, was the month I headed home where Dad lay in a hospital in critical condition. He would die one week later.  In that first week with Mom, it became obvious that our (my sister and I) suspicions of Dementia were well founded. Mom had it. 

March was the month I decided to move back home to take care of Mom. The decision was not an easy one and only came after an extended period of agonizing talks with God, prayer and self-reflection.  

May was an eventful month! 

It was the month I officially moved back home. But one week before the move my best friend from work died.  Heart issues. He had wanted to get together when I came back to gather my stuff, but I told I had to get it all done quickly so perhaps another time. Academic since his life ended prematurely. 

The same week I moved into Mom's house I had a biopsy done on that asymmetrical prostate from 2021 which went ignored. Diagnosis: high grade prostate cancer.

June.  Halfway through a year I hoped would improve over its predecessor, I found myself a caretaker for Mom with her slow death of Dementia and a life-threatening illness of my own. My prostate was removed in June. 

The anguish experienced the remainer of the year with Mom is documented here under the Dementia label. Healing took place nicely and I was free of cancer although I would not be declared cancer-free for three years. That day never came. 

2022, the year of transition. What more can I say? Life went down the rabbit hole, which was scary. But God was there. It would just take a while for me to wake up and see Him.  

A history of God and me part 24 aka 2021

 2021 was a pivotal year for God and me. I don't recall what I wrote about it but that's cool as I don't want past writings to influence any current ones. 

A review of sorts for the year in question...

...February brought a hard freeze, power loss and a dead car battery. Unwelcome was no heat for five days. I spent the days reading and organizing while nights were spent by candlelight and a radio.  Unrelenting cold provided a new perspective as I read through a book, 'Tuesdays with Morrie', in which a successful businessman visits his old favorite college professor who was dying from cancer. 

Priorities. The book opened my eyes to what's really important. Now, I knew these things, but a reminder was needed, and it couldn't have come at a better time.  A cold time of reflection provided a fire within me. 

I recall praying to God asking Him to help me get close again AND be faithful. I was tired of my life and particularly a seesaw ride with God.  I cried out for help with "no matter what it takes, bring it on".  "I'm ready".

Additionally, I prayed for reconciliation with my daughter and best friend. I had been estranged from both for years. Relationships were(are) important. 

March delivered sickness that made work difficult and sleep evasive. It felt like I was on the verge of another breakdown. Feeling accomplished if I could somehow work twenty hours a week, the budget went to hell. Was I going to break down again?  Was I on the cusp?

April became the month of early retirement. I was calling in sick most of the time, so retirement was an answer, not seeing a doctor. 

May is a blur, but I thought about ways to reconcile with my daughter as there would be plenty of time now in retirement. As for my best friend, I had no clue what to do because I was clueless on why we were estranged. 

June brought the worst phone call of my life. My daughter hit the back of an eighteen-wheeler and had been killed instantly. To say I was angry with God was an understatement. There would be no reconciliation. Thanks, God.

It also brought news of a large asymmetrical prostate accompanied by a high PSA number. Yours truly didn't care if he lived or died at that point. So, he did nothing but go for walks in the park where he and his Pumpkin Pie had had their last good conversation together.  

2021, the summer of walks. Walking was spent talking to God, my daughter and photography.  It was rewarding but inside me there was a huge void.

October, a beautiful soul from work died, a colleague I had mentored.  She was trying so hard to lose weight and needed to do so.  But her heart gave out. She suffered from depression and aways tried to cheer me up when she saw I was down.  A painful loss. 

With hopes of a better year to come, 2021 finally ended. It had been a long year. 

A history of God and me part 23

 Wow, the two prior postings in this series were August of 2021 and August of 2007. I hadn't realized it had been so long since I wrote of God. Wow.

Out under the stars at a dark country site during the summer of 2021. It was the first time back into this beautiful hobby in four years. Sadly, it was the last time I have observed the worlds above. But I digress. 

Having not observed the night skies in many a moon I felt rusty and a tad apprehensive doing so. But there was no real reason to be. The skies opened up, and it was an unbelievable night.

The observing field had maybe a dozen people on it, most of whom were doing imaging. They were not observing.  Just capturing fabricated unrealistic images that one can find anywhere on the net (and be grossed out by).  But I digress.

I recall praying to God to help me just enjoy His heavens for what they are and not become frustrated with rusty observing techniques. I recall being preoccupied with my daughter and wondering if she had access now to that infinite universe above.  I talked to God. I talked to her.

As the field imagers did their thing I did mine (real observing) and one by one it got quiet as they gave up for the night when clouds began rolling around.  But then they began rolling away and the night smiled on me.

I was able to locate objects quickly (not in such a rusty fashion) and God smiled.  I thanked Him for the heavenly beauty revealed to these eyes that night. I thanked my daughter for her life and told her I couldn't wait to see her again.  Words can't fully describe the ethereal almost transcendent experience of that night, so I won't attempt it.

However, it was a spiritual night that provided some much-needed healing for the moment.

"The heavens are telling of the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands" (Psalms 19:1)

 

Not a healthy camper but a happy one

Well, as you can see, a return to writing has been a slow burn. Seems I've been camping in unhealthy camps. And the campfire is unfriendly.

 Current camp concerns: active pancreatitis, heart issues, pre-diabetes and vision issues. Of note is monthly chemotherapy to keep various cancers in check which happily are in remission. Of minor note is a big toe problem.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us". Romans 8:18 

Stay tuned for A History of God and me continuation. 

The return of a history of God and me & also a bit of fun

 There is a reason I came back to write. A lot has happened in the past few years, and I want to document it under the label, 'A history of God and me.'  Stay tuned.  First, someone's(moi) got to get the wheels greased writing again and then it will happen.

Secondly, I think it's time to introduce something a bit fun and it has to do with the name of this blog. Yep, the blogs name actually has significance, it's not just a name. Can you guess what it means?  I welcome guesses although no one has posted responses here in years. I won't hold my breath. 

 Tonight, I did an odd thing. I did.  I retrieved the link to my daughter's car wreck coverage from the local TV network going back several years ago. The link was still on an old browser on a non-working old laptop. Careful typing out of a very long internet addy and there it was! Boom! It had not been removed all these years later. Wow.  

A minute and twenty seconds of video footage which aired of her totaled car was hard to watch. I've watched it dozens of times in the past but not in years. One might ask why would a father watch a video of his daughters totaled car in which she lost her life? Why?

She has no gravesite as she was cremated. Not my choice but that's how it is.  I wonder and I have wondered in the past if this was(is) my way of visiting her "gravesite"?  I think maybe so. Perhaps.

I recall studying every inch of that wreckage and the surrounding interstate road for clues on what might have gone awry.  I did it time and time again.

I recall calling the accident investigator who calmly answered my questions and gave me all the time I wanted. A good man. God bless him. He was so kind.  I called him a second time, and he made time again. Eventually one of my sons wanted to talk to him so we did a three-way call. 

All these years later it's still hard to believe she's gone. But the video makes it painfully real. In an odd way I'm glad I have the link again. It's my only link to her "gravesite". 

R.I.P.  Pumpkin Pie. 

 According to the blog, there was no entry in 2024. Yep. It seems that writing was reinforcing the bad feelings inside of me in 2023 rather than being a catharsis.  So I stopped. At this point I don't recall the later part of 2023 but does anyone?  Honestly, I don't recall much of the two years spent with Mom now but there is certainly some history here of that era.  I'd like to capture a few things on paper(digits in space) to bring this up to date.

2024: It opened with Mom's continued spiral down the Dementia Hole.  Her ongoing issue with heart failure was coming to a head.  I recall in the first three weeks of January she gained 19 pounds due to fluid retention! And she was hardly eating! Sometime that month she asked me if she could sleep in the recliner in the living room. Gone was the demanding, aggressive Mom. She was replaced with a child asking permission.  The last four to six weeks of her life would be spent in that recliner most of the time. 

Mom.  I miss her.  Not the facsimile of herself she became but Mom pre-Dementia in which she could intelligently articulate conversations on religion and politics without ever pulling any punches. Mom had no filter. Never did.  But she also had a great sense of humor. She loved potty humor.  One day in 2023(?) I told her I had to go to the store and get a new butt as my old one was cracked.  Her face lit up and with a glee in her eye she added, "it's also got a hole in it!"  She passed in February of 2024 after spending her final week at home under hospice care. One of the hardest things I've ever done but so glad I did.  And so glad we never placed her in a facility as it was a giant fear of hers.  By the grace of God I got through that experience with Mom.  There is much more I could say about our time together but that will have to be some other time, if ever.  

RIP Mom.  I love you.

A moment started but ended long ago or an unfinished/untitled poem from August of 2023.  Might as well publish this unfinished poem. Why not? It won't be finished ever.  There is no recreating the anguish felt at that time.  But sometimes it's important to revisit the dark past so the present can be more fully appreciated. 

Too many battles to win the war 

the war on slavery, oh slave of the soul

You've lost too many battles

how can you possibly win the war?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh game arcade where a mallet does not take

This head, or that head, does not make.

I just don't want anything to do with anything

So I fell down the rabbit hole

where stress and malice

finish 2nd and 3rd sections