It would be nice to write a happy blog for a change but there is nothing to write about. I feel exhausted, emotionally spent yet sad, angry, despondent, lonely, broken hearted. I could go on and on with other nifty descriptive terms. I hesitated coming here tonight because I don't want to blog of recent events but that is what is consuming me. And I don't want to have a pubic pity party but that probably is what will happen. Oh well.
I just don't understand. I don't fucking understand.
Everything after the above was backspaced out. Fuck that. Not going there.
We are all alone out there folks. Can any of us, self included of course, really and truly compromise enough to make a relationship work anymore? I dunno. I think it is a rare thing. I think we have all become a much more self centered society and as such selfishness rules individuals. And it just does not work, relationship wise. Include me in all of this as I am quite self absorbed much of the time. Of course.
I will return to the life of the cynic. Why have hope in something that just tears persons apart at the heart?
We are all fucked up.
All of us.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I am starting to believe in the ability to give of oneself gently, with an open and quiet heart, with gentle tenderness. Up until now in my life I have given of myself frantically, with a closed and needy heart. I have mistaken the closure and the need with "love" but what it was was self-seeking and self-fulfillment. "I will love you as long as you love me back." That kind of thing. But I see now how one can care in a tender, slow, and even cautious fashion. "I care as a friend, I think you're really spectacular, I hope your life is beautiful." If it turns out you care in return, who knows where it could lead? But I do not rush now to any conclusions. It is just a quiet and gentle heart.
Perhaps this is a simple position to take and not one that will get me "coupled" any time soon. But I am not seeking any coupling, so to speak. Life is good, in such a way that tenderness is in place, for many kind and warm friends. What is romantic love but an extension of that tenderness, a more open and vulnerable caring?
Should we lose hope after our bad relationships end? I don't know that we should. I think, ID, you learn. You learn what you *truly* want, you learn where you need to grow, you even give thanks for what the person brought to your life. But don't lose hope! You're a loving and lovable person. That doesn't change.
Zooty, any thing I say right now blogwise or even this response is so tainted by my own pain that I probably cannot see clearly beyond the pain. I am so hurt and angry.
This IS MY BLOG so before too long I may just really vent some stuff as that is what writing does for me...the grand catharsis. I may end up going that route you have alluded to of blogging for self, fuck everyone else. I don't know.
What you have written here Zooty is beautiful and sounds good in theory but right now I am feeling the pain of having made myself vulnerable only to be trounced upon as my feelings were completely ignored. So I am sad and angry. And it is very difficult NOT to think in black and white when angry. Can anyone do that?
no
I think in black and white all the time. If, when I was suffering, you had spouted meaningless tripe at me, I probably would have stabbed you.
Know this then:
you are loved. Be angry. Remember you are loved.
You were not spouting meaningless tripe at me. I hope you don't feel that way. Forgive me. Heck, just ignore me. And for now I have decided not to do any major venting here. Even with all that has occurred I don't feel right airing things here anymore.
Post a Comment