A return to recovery after many years away...

Perhaps the only way I will sleep tonight is if I write some. So much is on my mind and yet so much I really don't feel I can write here. A while ago I was almost asleep. On the very threshold of it when my overactive mind woke up fully. So here I am. Ugggg.

Did something earlier tonight I had not done in at least three years. Went to a 12 step recovery meeting! Yes! It was great to go for the somewhat long walk it takes to get there. And once I got there it was great to be there. The old timers I knew from the past, some of them were oddly distant however. Oh well. It was still great seeing some old faces and lots of new ones. Contributed several words to a difficult crossword puzzle that was being played at a table prior to meetings start. That was fun.

The meeting was filled with smoke. Yep. Did not care for that but I was not tempted to smoke. Be a year smoke free December 1. No can do on going back now. So I sat there and listened attentively in the smoke filled room. I thought to myself something I have heard in a Nicotine Anonymous meeting said by someone rather smugly one time. They said if you are still smoking than you really have not recovered to the extent possible regardless of what other addictions have been put down. Hmmmm. Interesting. I find myself tending to agree. Easy to become self righteous against smokers so I must be careful here. But it is a crutch. It is an addiction. It certainly is a path of running. Running from tension just to name just one aspect of it.

I want to go back. Recovery is a good thing. The principles are a good means by which to live ones life. However the smoke filled room which I exited with burning eyes after 40 minutes is an obstacle. Next time I will sit further away from the tables, perhaps near a corner. Maybe tomorrow in fact. :)

Apparently the smoke filled room gave me a headache. I cannot rid it either. Took something but to no avail. I thought I would write of other preoccupations in the here and now but upon second thought, no I won't. Not here and now. Nada.