Wow. August 9th, 2007 was the last post in this series. How does one catch up with the past 14 years? How? Well, I went back and reread the entire series(blog for that matter). Interesting and enlightening but I'm not interested in a bunch of posts now to catch up. Nor is it necessary. Much can be summarized in a few words with the exception of 2010 and this year.
So, a summary of 2007 to the present with the exceptions of 2010 and 2021: God was mostly absent from my life. Not going to church, not going to a recovery program, rarely praying, rarely doing anything of a spiritual nature. What else? Isn't that enough. Oh, and I stayed crazier than a lunatic. Basically just existing. Work, eat, sleep with the latter never being quality or enough, Relationships with others. Mostly nill. If I was a recluse before I was a recluse after. Yep.
2010. This is when I stopped blogging. My oldest sister passed away in November of that year. Painful. Opened my eyes. Death seems to do that with a reminder of the brevity of life and what is really important. Decided to continue calling my parents weekly(as I had been the last few weeks of her life). Prior to this I rarely called them. Could go months without doing so. I went years without seeing them in the early part of the millennium. My other sister I rarely talked to and although I had good intentions of calling her regularly I did not make those good intentions happen. God was not in my life. Not at all.
2021. Entered the year being estranged from my daughter that I had been quite close to when she was very young. No point in details so let's just say again, we were estranged. Our last contact on social media was in April of 2020 and last visit in person was fall of 2018. Estranged.
In February of this year a hard freeze knocked the power out for several days and for some reason that changed all the routines. No power for days does that I suppose. Reading books in the daytime was a prime event. Read 'Tuesdays With Morrie' by Mitch Albom. I cannot recommend this book enough. A professor dying of cancer meets with a favorite student weekly on Tuesdays to discuss life, priorities, and to share his simple but profound wisdom.
Wake up call. Made a to do list with reconciliation to my daughter at the top of the list. Began praying daily for the same to happen(some days I did not pray but when I did she was always in my prayers). But every time I thought of drafting a carefully worded email or text(a call was not in the cards because I felt it would be disastrous)I hit the brick wall of fear that it would only make things worse. As bad as it was I did not want to make things worse. Perhaps makes no sense to you but did to me.
Had not been healthy for some time(multiple issues) and the fear of not being able to work anymore( I was missing many many days this year due to mental and physical issues)I decided to retire. Now comes May and I was thinking ok, I am retired, I will find a way to reconcile to my daughter. I have time now and no excuses. And more relaxed by not working. But did I pray enough? No. Again when I did she was always included in those prayers. Did I take action with a text, email, a draft of some sorts? No. Can anyone say procrastinator?
June 7th, a day I will never forget. Youngest sons birthday so when I saw my ex had called I just assumed she was calling to tell or remind me of his birthday. Seemed odd. Returned the call in which she said she had some bad news. I asked how bad and she said very bad. My daughter had rear-ended an 18 wheeler that morning and died at the scene.
Writing this now brings it all back. But I am not sure there any words that accurately described the pain of losing a child. I loved that sweet girl, estrangement and all. Now there would be no reconciliation.
It did take not long for me to get quite angry at God. Not long at all. Let's put what happened into a perspective. I had been praying for reconciliation and she is killed in an auto accident. And she dies on her youngest brothers birthday, she dies four days before her mothers birthday, and she dies six days before her youngest daughters birthday!! What the fuck!? What the hell!? Seems crueler than cruel.
Anger. Grief. Shock. All of that in no particular order swirling around in my head and spirit. But I knew I had to be there for my sons and others. So I started praying constantly that the right thing be done and that some clarity could be found. I have long believed that good comes from bad. It can and does if we do our part.We may not always recognize it but it is a truth.
My oldest son and I have gotten closer. My surviving sister and I have gotten closer. A couple of old friendships have been renewed. I am interested in both going to church and a recovery program again(sober 26 years now). However, I am not sleeping much being awake all night most nights. This and social anxiety are barriers at the moment. I seem to sleep away the days. But I remain optimistic. I want to do something productive with my life to help others. This is what my daughter did and I want to mirror that to the best of my and Gods abilities. Is God limited? No.
What about God? What about those prayers for reconciliation? My daughter had a deep faith in God and believed in heaven. I too believe in heaven and am working on faith one day at a time. There will be a reconciliation. God had different plans, heaven. I so believe that. Some may think that is wishful thinking. No, it's faith based on an evidence of Him who came to reconcile mankind to himself many years ago. Jesus.
These days I am amazed, enthralled at simple moments of walking outside and feeling a winds breeze push by me or gazing at amazing old trees where I live. A captivating blue sky can blow me away. Nature has become more vibrant in my life. Simple pleasures, simple observations. A clear night sky reveals heavens splendor.
I long to join my daughter some day in heaven and finally be reconciled.
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