A history of God and me part 28 - 2025

 January opened with another surgery for extracting tumors. It would close with a painful outpatient surgery to remove a non-cancerous growth on my belly. They didn't deaden the entire area apparently.  

The church had been continually offering up prayers on my behalf. I was most appreciative of the kindness, but I didn't want to be the "sick guy". I was routinely asked by many how I was and too often I told them. I was the sick guy. 

Sitting quietly most of the time in Bible class, then worship and out the door I went rarely speaking to people. Social anxiety was and is a terrible thing. Anyone who has it knows what I'm talking about.  An irrational fear immobilizing those in its path.  The beeline to the car couldn't have been straighter.

All my life I've encountered this curse, but never a name attached to it until my late 40s. A perpetual sense of unease which escalates around people to the point of acute neuroticism. Some seem, friends included, to not believe me or discount it.  It can be hidden by overcompensating. However there never are enough valid excuses for the missed gatherings, parties, work get togethers and pretty much anything involving groups of people, small or large.  

Spring granted me another surgery for extracting tumors. Did I mention I now had cancer of the urethra in addition to bladder cancer?  Yep. Healing from such activities was not pleasant. It was not. Scar tissue was building up. Not a good thing when it comes to number one moments.

In June we went with another of those highly desired surgeries. October would be the same. Over and over tumors had been scraped out of my bladder and urethra.  But June also reminded me via an endoscopic exam that years of pancreatitis had done a nice sculpting job on the organ. 

Asymmetrical and having the "fish mouth" opening, I was highly probable for getting pancreatic cancer. Lovely.  I heard tales of Whipple surgery in which the pancreas is removed, but my oncologist noted there had been no substantial change in three years, so I got a reprieve until next year's examination. I liked the reprieve. 

October would be the final surgery of the year. More tumor extractions from poisoned areas.  To say I was sick of it all would be an understatement. I recall telling God in June if this is how things are going to be (lose my pancreas along with repercussions of cancer) to just go ahead and take me. After all, what is the point of living if its quality has been discarded? 

Wait a minute, this was how I was physically. But was I just a physical being? Wasn't I a spiritual one too? Aren't humans spiritual beings whether that is acknowledged and engaged in or not? Fish function best in water, birds function best in the air, mammals function best on land but where do humans' function best? What's optimal? In a relationship with God.

That's my experience in life and the experiences of many other countless people.  Drugs won't substitute for it, drinking won't, sex won't, a job won't. What will substitute for God? Nothing. We live in a world gone mad.  We live in an ungodly world. 

God had been with me all through 2025. Slowly but surely the time we spent together transformed my thinking and my actions. In retrospect it is amazing what took place. Social anxiety was dissipating and I was enjoying being around people for the first time in my life. I looked forward to church and seeing others who also sought what I was seeking, a real relationship with God.  

2025 would be a year of wonderful closeness to God. Funny how much easier to do this was when utterly broken.  It had been a year from hell, but more importantly it had been a year from heaven. The best way to look when one is in the ditch is up. I was blessed to do so.   

A medical intermission...

 ...today was not a particularly good day. I'm going to jump ahead with some stuff because, well, I am.

Most of the next installment on God and I has been written so probably a posting tomorrow. But today first.

Pancreatitis has been an obstacle since late last year(actually since 2014) and recently an intense period ended. But today its mildly back.  Also back today was chemotherapy for the first time in about seven weeks(once a month is the current protocol). Illness and such had prevented it. Anyhoo, it's done internally and for the first time, the nurse couldn't get the catheter in. Her attempts at doing such weren't pleasant. They were not. My urologist will open me up next week and I was admonished at least three times to come mentally prepared for the procedure. I can hardly wait.

A couple of weeks ago I fainted for the first time in my life. I was peeing at the ungodly hour of 3 am and passed out. This resulted in a mild concussion by the grace of God. Heart issues have introduced themselves into my life so I'm now seeing a cardiologist. 

God has blessed me in so many ways this past year but at the same time I have become the proverbial old car with its continual breaking down and need for attention. Mortality. When one adds up the math the sum total doesn't add up. My days are numbered.  But I'm happy. I'd rather have numbered days of contentment and peace than a healthy body accompanied by what use to accompany it. I wouldn't trade it back.

Not looking for pity or attention out there from anyone who knows me or the vast majority of you who don't. Tonight's post is twofold. One, I felt the need to write and document today. Secondly, I wanted to provide some sort of context for my recent history. When I said 2025 was the year from hell, I wasn't kidding. I'm not sure if there will be a reprieve anytime soon but it doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things it just doesn't matter. 

God bless you as HE has me. 

Dreams before dreaming

 I wasn't thinking, I just doesn't think.

Bring a goat home and kill him with his own bad joke.

I think there's an answering machine. You've been asking me questions about that, and to make sure I didn't hear them.

These two teacups have been linked to finding cosmic debris. 

I think he has a buffalo that could chip. 

I told them, "that's why I'm going to your weddings".

There's no sealing the coffin in there.

I'll Never Forget ( from December, 2010)

 I'll never forget your unwavering smile

I'll never forget your uncanny laugh

I'll never forget your tender heart

I'll never forget your unconditional love

I'll never forget you, Diane

Losing My Mind to resume

 Realized I haven't finished the series, Losing My Mind so this will be put on the queue for future postings. It will. 

Dreams before dreaming

 The soft seed of hope can sometimes grow a miracle, even on hardened ground. 

Doorknobs and raindrops...

How could a six o'clock shadow become a three o'clock tomorrow?

Yesterday I stressed the idea of your staying and they didn't stress their ideal of your going.

Your hunger...I'm morally curious.

It makes a small world...I'm scared.

Spiraling off, into the queen. 

A history of God and me part 27 - 2024 part 2

 I hadn't been feeling well and suspicion's of things internal going awry were in my head but blood in the toilet? Not a good sign.  

But I digress. 

Time out. A linear narrative here has definitely gone awry as someone left out the most important part of what began to become an important part of his life again: GOD.

Following my exit from therapy in late 2023, I began attending church again sporadically. Not attending Bible class I somehow made the quick ins and outs to various congregations holding social anxiety to a minimum.

One such church had a grief seminar which I had first attended way back in 2022. Prostate cancer/surgery stopped that in its tracks. 

Fast forward to Spring of 2024, about a month after Mom passed and I hit it up again. This time I made it through the deal. Great seminar put on by great people from that church. I became friends with the teacher/co-teacher. 

One Sunday at church said co-teacher invited me to the Bible class he and his wife attended. I went. Scary but real. But not real scary. Not really.

Rewarding. Exposure to Gods Word had been very rewarding in the distant past and now was again. But something was different. Me.

I grew to love class, worship and fellowship in spite of social anxiety's curse. A decision was made to place membership there as this was a group of people seeking God. Imperfect people seeking a loving God. 

Knowing that I would be moving out of Moms house soon, I placed membership in order to give me that extra  motivation to keep attending once I moved across town.  I was beginning to "see God" again in my life.

Then I urinated blood.

In May of 2024 I would move out of Moms house and be diagnosed with bladder cancer. In May of 2022, I had officially moved into her house and been diagnosed with prostate cancer. 

The moral of the story is don't move.  Do not.

Two outpatient surgeries followed for tumor removal in the summer and fall. Not a serious cancer this time but a distraction, an inconvenience. 

The year winded down as my bladder decayed with tumors, many. But my spirit grew with the heavens, God. I had more hope than I had felt in decades and this is spite of multiple medical issues. But I had no idea 2025 would be the year from hell. 

A label creation

 Long ago prior to Dreams Before Dreaming's creation, certain occasions in my life gave rise to certain events. The same was documented which eventually resulted in the idea for this blog's title. However I've never posted anything that gave rise to it. Stay tuned. 

A history of God and me part 27 - 2024 part 1

 Seemed like 2023 was too big a mountain to climb again but so many steps were ignored that I almost floated up it's incline. 

January of 2024 saw Mom gain twenty pounds in three weeks. She was accumulating fluid and this affected her mobility, breathing, and eating habits.  Eating less yet gaining weight. Fluid retention. 

She became a child.  No longer an adult to avoid confrontation with but a child to watch after. One day she asked permission to sleep in her recliner in the living room as it had become too difficult to navigate the bed. Request granted. 

February came around and she was barely mobile. Trips to the bathroom were more than a challenge for us. Hospice was suggested by her doctor, and the decision was made to do it at home.

One Saturday morning she breathed her last and it wasn't at all what I envisioned. She seemed the same as she had been the past few days, just not breathing.  There had been a struggle with a growing distance between each breath, and finally it grew so much that she simply didn't make it back.

I love you, Mom. Thanks for putting up with me for so long.  Glad I could do it. 

Immediately, I had to go into overdrive with arrangements to be made, the dispositioning of Mom and Dad's stuff and then finding a new place to live. Time was of the essence as Mom's rent was double what I could afford on my own. 

But I shut down for a month and didn't do squat other than funeral arrangements and some dispositioning of this and that.  Exhaustion. 

Time's essence grew more intently, and yours truly got off his butt. I even found a place to live.  

One day after a phone conversation with a mover I saw blood in the toilet. God help me. 

 

A history of God and me part 26 aka 2023

 2023 started with Covid, a spinoff from the Christmas family gathering. Taking care of Mom wasn't a piece of cake when bed-ridden with the nasty stuff. As I recall Mom didn't get sick which was a blessing and a half. 

Throughout the year a butting of heads took place between caretaker me and losing it Mom. Learning on the job wasn't easy. And sleep was a dream that evaded me. So many stories could be told but what's the point now?  A dementia label for revisiting that rabbit hell(hole) exists.

Yours truly was ill to the extent that I told my therapist I might not stop being sick until I quit taking care of Mom. A cold assessment but a realistic one? I thought so. I thought wrong at the time but had to wait until time told me otherwise. 

That summer I did do some therapy. The nuts and bolts were going to fly off of me at any moment and so seeing a shrink seemed helpful. She was friendly, calming, and a good listener but after a while I sensed something awry. 

What was awry? The therapist? No. Her approach? No. Me?  Yes. 

Wack-A-Mole. I was playing it with my issues. It was a game I grew tired of. One day I thought maybe the solution for a weary "form" was a lively "substance".  Wasn't I spiritually dry?  Didn't I need God in my life desperately?  My problem was a spiritual one.

Summer became Fall which fell into Winter as Mom declined further.  I miss her so much now. Actually, I miss Mom, pre-dementia. R.I.P Mom. I'm getting ahead of myself as she still breathed this life's air as 2023 closed.

This and that

 2023 was a heavy year and a mountain I won't climb tonight. 

Texting got surreal tonight. Someone had an "episode" and took it out on me.  I didn't take it personally, but it's a scary thing to witness or be a part of. It's a helpless feeling when anything said is wrong and a scary feeling listening to silence.

It's freezing outside which tends to make us older critters chilled to the bone in spite of having the heater on. There is no getting warm. 

In spite of the mellow mood, I'm appreciative for the lifting of a lifetime of anxiety from my shoulders over the past few months. Ironically this has occurred at the same time my physical health took a nosedive. There's a reason that unease has taken a vacation, but that tale will be told another time.

Have a good night/day all of you out there in Internet Land.

A history of God and me part 25 aka 2022

 2022 was a dark year, nevertheless God was Light. I may have not realized it most of the time, but His providence was there.

January, I decided to take a planned unplanned road trip in which some much needed get away was to be gotten. I also envisioned a time of working on writing a short novel regarding the formative years of my daughter's life.  Towards the latter part of the month, that preoccupation was replaced with concerns over Dad and his insidious heart issues. 

February, was the month I headed home where Dad lay in a hospital in critical condition. He would die one week later.  In that first week with Mom, it became obvious that our (my sister and I) suspicions of Dementia were well founded. Mom had it. 

March was the month I decided to move back home to take care of Mom. The decision was not an easy one and only came after an extended period of agonizing talks with God, prayer and self-reflection.  

May was an eventful month! 

It was the month I officially moved back home. But one week before the move my best friend from work died.  Heart issues. He had wanted to get together when I came back to gather my stuff, but I told I had to get it all done quickly so perhaps another time. Academic since his life ended prematurely. 

The same week I moved into Mom's house I had a biopsy done on that asymmetrical prostate from 2021 which went ignored. Diagnosis: high grade prostate cancer.

June.  Halfway through a year I hoped would improve over its predecessor, I found myself a caretaker for Mom with her slow death of Dementia and a life-threatening illness of my own. My prostate was removed in June. 

The anguish experienced the remainer of the year with Mom is documented here under the Dementia label. Healing took place nicely and I was free of cancer although I would not be declared cancer-free for three years. That day never came. 

2022, the year of transition. What more can I say? Life went down the rabbit hole, which was scary. But God was there. It would just take a while for me to wake up and see Him.  

A history of God and me part 24 aka 2021

 2021 was a pivotal year for God and me. I don't recall what I wrote about it but that's cool as I don't want past writings to influence any current ones. 

A review of sorts for the year in question...

...February brought a hard freeze, power loss and a dead car battery. Unwelcome was no heat for five days. I spent the days reading and organizing while nights were spent by candlelight and a radio.  Unrelenting cold provided a new perspective as I read through a book, 'Tuesdays with Morrie', in which a successful businessman visits his old favorite college professor who was dying from cancer. 

Priorities. The book opened my eyes to what's really important. Now, I knew these things, but a reminder was needed, and it couldn't have come at a better time.  A cold time of reflection provided a fire within me. 

I recall praying to God asking Him to help me get close again AND be faithful. I was tired of my life and particularly a seesaw ride with God.  I cried out for help with "no matter what it takes, bring it on".  "I'm ready".

Additionally, I prayed for reconciliation with my daughter and best friend. I had been estranged from both for years. Relationships were(are) important. 

March delivered sickness that made work difficult and sleep evasive. It felt like I was on the verge of another breakdown. Feeling accomplished if I could somehow work twenty hours a week, the budget went to hell. Was I going to break down again?  Was I on the cusp?

April became the month of early retirement. I was calling in sick most of the time, so retirement was an answer, not seeing a doctor. 

May is a blur, but I thought about ways to reconcile with my daughter as there would be plenty of time now in retirement. As for my best friend, I had no clue what to do because I was clueless on why we were estranged. 

June brought the worst phone call of my life. My daughter hit the back of an eighteen-wheeler and had been killed instantly. To say I was angry with God was an understatement. There would be no reconciliation. Thanks, God.

It also brought news of a large asymmetrical prostate accompanied by a high PSA number. Yours truly didn't care if he lived or died at that point. So, he did nothing but go for walks in the park where he and his Pumpkin Pie had had their last good conversation together.  

2021, the summer of walks. Walking was spent talking to God, my daughter and photography.  It was rewarding but inside me there was a huge void.

October, a beautiful soul from work died, a colleague I had mentored.  She was trying so hard to lose weight and needed to do so.  But her heart gave out. She suffered from depression and aways tried to cheer me up when she saw I was down.  A painful loss. 

With hopes of a better year to come, 2021 finally ended. It had been a long year. 

A history of God and me part 23

 Wow, the two prior postings in this series were August of 2021 and August of 2007. I hadn't realized it had been so long since I wrote of God. Wow.

Out under the stars at a dark country site during the summer of 2021. It was the first time back into this beautiful hobby in four years. Sadly, it was the last time I have observed the worlds above. But I digress. 

Having not observed the night skies in many a moon I felt rusty and a tad apprehensive doing so. But there was no real reason to be. The skies opened up, and it was an unbelievable night.

The observing field had maybe a dozen people on it, most of whom were doing imaging. They were not observing.  Just capturing fabricated unrealistic images that one can find anywhere on the net (and be grossed out by).  But I digress.

I recall praying to God to help me just enjoy His heavens for what they are and not become frustrated with rusty observing techniques. I recall being preoccupied with my daughter and wondering if she had access now to that infinite universe above.  I talked to God. I talked to her.

As the field imagers did their thing I did mine (real observing) and one by one it got quiet as they gave up for the night when clouds began rolling around.  But then they began rolling away and the night smiled on me.

I was able to locate objects quickly (not in such a rusty fashion) and God smiled.  I thanked Him for the heavenly beauty revealed to these eyes that night. I thanked my daughter for her life and told her I couldn't wait to see her again.  Words can't fully describe the ethereal almost transcendent experience of that night, so I won't attempt it.

However, it was a spiritual night that provided some much-needed healing for the moment.

"The heavens are telling of the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands" (Psalms 19:1)

 

Not a healthy camper but a happy one

Well, as you can see, a return to writing has been a slow burn. Seems I've been camping in unhealthy camps. And the campfire is unfriendly.

 Current camp concerns: active pancreatitis, heart issues, pre-diabetes and vision issues. Of note is monthly chemotherapy to keep various cancers in check which happily are in remission. Of minor note is a big toe problem.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us". Romans 8:18 

Stay tuned for A History of God and me continuation. 

The return of a history of God and me & also a bit of fun

 There is a reason I came back to write. A lot has happened in the past few years, and I want to document it under the label, 'A history of God and me.'  Stay tuned.  First, someone's(moi) got to get the wheels greased writing again and then it will happen.

Secondly, I think it's time to introduce something a bit fun and it has to do with the name of this blog. Yep, the blogs name actually has significance, it's not just a name. Can you guess what it means?  I welcome guesses although no one has posted responses here in years. I won't hold my breath. 

 Tonight, I did an odd thing. I did.  I retrieved the link to my daughter's car wreck coverage from the local TV network going back several years ago. The link was still on an old browser on a non-working old laptop. Careful typing out of a very long internet addy and there it was! Boom! It had not been removed all these years later. Wow.  

A minute and twenty seconds of video footage which aired of her totaled car was hard to watch. I've watched it dozens of times in the past but not in years. One might ask why would a father watch a video of his daughters totaled car in which she lost her life? Why?

She has no gravesite as she was cremated. Not my choice but that's how it is.  I wonder and I have wondered in the past if this was(is) my way of visiting her "gravesite"?  I think maybe so. Perhaps.

I recall studying every inch of that wreckage and the surrounding interstate road for clues on what might have gone awry.  I did it time and time again.

I recall calling the accident investigator who calmly answered my questions and gave me all the time I wanted. A good man. God bless him. He was so kind.  I called him a second time, and he made time again. Eventually one of my sons wanted to talk to him so we did a three-way call. 

All these years later it's still hard to believe she's gone. But the video makes it painfully real. In an odd way I'm glad I have the link again. It's my only link to her "gravesite". 

R.I.P.  Pumpkin Pie. 

 According to the blog, there was no entry in 2024. Yep. It seems that writing was reinforcing the bad feelings inside of me in 2023 rather than being a catharsis.  So I stopped. At this point I don't recall the later part of 2023 but does anyone?  Honestly, I don't recall much of the two years spent with Mom now but there is certainly some history here of that era.  I'd like to capture a few things on paper(digits in space) to bring this up to date.

2024: It opened with Mom's continued spiral down the Dementia Hole.  Her ongoing issue with heart failure was coming to a head.  I recall in the first three weeks of January she gained 19 pounds due to fluid retention! And she was hardly eating! Sometime that month she asked me if she could sleep in the recliner in the living room. Gone was the demanding, aggressive Mom. She was replaced with a child asking permission.  The last four to six weeks of her life would be spent in that recliner most of the time. 

Mom.  I miss her.  Not the facsimile of herself she became but Mom pre-Dementia in which she could intelligently articulate conversations on religion and politics without ever pulling any punches. Mom had no filter. Never did.  But she also had a great sense of humor. She loved potty humor.  One day in 2023(?) I told her I had to go to the store and get a new butt as my old one was cracked.  Her face lit up and with a glee in her eye she added, "it's also got a hole in it!"  She passed in February of 2024 after spending her final week at home under hospice care. One of the hardest things I've ever done but so glad I did.  And so glad we never placed her in a facility as it was a giant fear of hers.  By the grace of God I got through that experience with Mom.  There is much more I could say about our time together but that will have to be some other time, if ever.  

RIP Mom.  I love you.

A moment started but ended long ago or an unfinished/untitled poem from August of 2023.  Might as well publish this unfinished poem. Why not? It won't be finished ever.  There is no recreating the anguish felt at that time.  But sometimes it's important to revisit the dark past so the present can be more fully appreciated. 

Too many battles to win the war 

the war on slavery, oh slave of the soul

You've lost too many battles

how can you possibly win the war?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh game arcade where a mallet does not take

This head, or that head, does not make.

I just don't want anything to do with anything

So I fell down the rabbit hole

where stress and malice

finish 2nd and 3rd sections