This and that

 2023 was a heavy year and a mountain I won't climb tonight. 

Texting got surreal tonight. Someone had an "episode" and took it out on me.  I didn't take it personally, but it's a scary thing to witness or be a part of. It's a helpless feeling when anything said is wrong and a scary feeling listening to silence.

It's freezing outside which tends to make us older critters chilled to the bone in spite of having the heater on. There is no getting warm. 

In spite of the mellow mood, I'm appreciative for the lifting of a lifetime of anxiety from my shoulders over the past few months. Ironically this has occurred at the same time my physical health took a nosedive. There's a reason that unease has taken a vacation, but that tale will be told another time.

Have a good night/day all of you out there in Internet Land.

A history of God and me part 25 aka 2022

 2022 was a dark year, nevertheless God was Light. I may have not realized it most of the time, but His providence was there.

January, I decided to take a planned unplanned road trip in which some much needed get away was to be gotten. I also envisioned a time of working on writing a short novel regarding the formative years of my daughter's life.  Towards the latter part of the month, that preoccupation was replaced with concerns over Dad and his insidious heart issues. 

February, was the month I headed home where Dad lay in a hospital in critical condition. He would die one week later.  In that first week with Mom, it became obvious that our (my sister and I) suspicions of Dementia were well founded. Mom had it. 

March was the month I decided to move back home to take care of Mom. The decision was not an easy one and only came after an extended period of agonizing talks with God, prayer and self-reflection.  

May was an eventful month! 

It was the month I officially moved back home. But one week before the move my best friend from work died.  Heart issues. He had wanted to get together when I came back to gather my stuff, but I told I had to get it all done quickly so perhaps another time. Academic since his life ended prematurely. 

The same week I moved into Mom's house I had a biopsy done on that asymmetrical prostate from 2021 which went ignored. Diagnosis: high grade prostate cancer.

June.  Halfway through a year I hoped would improve over its predecessor, I found myself a caretaker for Mom with her slow death of Dementia and a life-threatening illness of my own. My prostate was removed in June. 

The anguish experienced the remainer of the year with Mom is documented here under the Dementia label. Healing took place nicely and I was free of cancer although I would not be declared cancer-free for three years. That day never came. 

2022, the year of transition. What more can I say? Life went down the rabbit hole, which was scary. But God was there. It would just take a while for me to wake up and see Him.  

A history of God and me part 24 aka 2021

 2021 was a pivotal year for God and me. I don't recall what I wrote about it but that's cool as I don't want past writings to influence any current ones. 

A review of sorts for the year in question...

...February brought a hard freeze, power loss and a dead car battery. Unwelcome was no heat for five days. I spent the days reading and organizing while nights were spent by candlelight and a radio.  Unrelenting cold provided a new perspective as I read through a book, 'Tuesdays with Morrie', in which a successful businessman visits his old favorite college professor who was dying from cancer. 

Priorities. The book opened my eyes to what's really important. Now, I knew these things, but a reminder was needed, and it couldn't have come at a better time.  A cold time of reflection provided a fire within me. 

I recall praying to God asking Him to help me get close again AND be faithful. I was tired of my life and particularly a seesaw ride with God.  I cried out for help with "no matter what it takes, bring it on".  "I'm ready".

Additionally, I prayed for reconciliation with my daughter and best friend. I had been estranged from both for years. Relationships were(are) important. 

March delivered sickness that made work difficult and sleep evasive. It felt like I was on the verge of another breakdown. Feeling accomplished if I could somehow work twenty hours a week, the budget went to hell. Was I going to break down again?  Was I on the cusp?

April became the month of early retirement. I was calling in sick most of the time, so retirement was an answer, not seeing a doctor. 

May is a blur, but I thought about ways to reconcile with my daughter as there would be plenty of time now in retirement. As for my best friend, I had no clue what to do because I was clueless on why we were estranged. 

June brought the worst phone call of my life. My daughter hit the back of an eighteen-wheeler and had been killed instantly. To say I was angry with God was an understatement. There would be no reconciliation. Thanks, God.

It also brought news of a large asymmetrical prostate accompanied by a high PSA number. Yours truly didn't care if he lived or died at that point. So, he did nothing but go for walks in the park where he and his Pumpkin Pie had had their last good conversation together.  

2021, the summer of walks. Walking was spent talking to God, my daughter and photography.  It was rewarding but inside me there was a huge void.

October, a beautiful soul from work died, a colleague I had mentored.  She was trying so hard to lose weight and needed to do so.  But her heart gave out. She suffered from depression and aways tried to cheer me up when she saw I was down.  A painful loss. 

With hopes of a better year to come, 2021 finally ended. It had been a long year. 

A history of God and me part 23

 Wow, the two prior postings in this series were August of 2021 and August of 2007. I hadn't realized it had been so long since I wrote of God. Wow.

Out under the stars at a dark country site during the summer of 2021. It was the first time back into this beautiful hobby in four years. Sadly, it was the last time I have observed the worlds above. But I digress. 

Having not observed the night skies in many a moon I felt rusty and a tad apprehensive doing so. But there was no real reason to be. The skies opened up, and it was an unbelievable night.

The observing field had maybe a dozen people on it, most of whom were doing imaging. They were not observing.  Just capturing fabricated unrealistic images that one can find anywhere on the net (and be grossed out by).  But I digress.

I recall praying to God to help me just enjoy His heavens for what they are and not become frustrated with rusty observing techniques. I recall being preoccupied with my daughter and wondering if she had access now to that infinite universe above.  I talked to God. I talked to her.

As the field imagers did their thing I did mine (real observing) and one by one it got quiet as they gave up for the night when clouds began rolling around.  But then they began rolling away and the night smiled on me.

I was able to locate objects quickly (not in such a rusty fashion) and God smiled.  I thanked Him for the heavenly beauty revealed to these eyes that night. I thanked my daughter for her life and told her I couldn't wait to see her again.  Words can't fully describe the ethereal almost transcendent experience of that night, so I won't attempt it.

However, it was a spiritual night that provided some much-needed healing for the moment.

"The heavens are telling of the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands" (Psalms 19:1)

 

Not a healthy camper but a happy one

Well, as you can see, a return to writing has been a slow burn. Seems I've been camping in unhealthy camps. And the campfire is unfriendly.

 Current camp concerns: active pancreatitis, heart issues, pre-diabetes and vision issues. Of note is monthly chemotherapy to keep various cancers in check which happily are in remission. Of minor note is a big toe problem.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us". Romans 8:18 

Stay tuned for A History of God and me continuation. 

The return of a history of God and me & also a bit of fun

 There is a reason I came back to write. A lot has happened in the past few years, and I want to document it under the label, 'A history of God and me.'  Stay tuned.  First, someone's(moi) got to get the wheels greased writing again and then it will happen.

Secondly, I think it's time to introduce something a bit fun and it has to do with the name of this blog. Yep, the blogs name actually has significance, it's not just a name. Can you guess what it means?  I welcome guesses although no one has posted responses here in years. I won't hold my breath. 

 Tonight, I did an odd thing. I did.  I retrieved the link to my daughter's car wreck coverage from the local TV network going back several years ago. The link was still on an old browser on a non-working old laptop. Careful typing out of a very long internet addy and there it was! Boom! It had not been removed all these years later. Wow.  

A minute and twenty seconds of video footage which aired of her totaled car was hard to watch. I've watched it dozens of times in the past but not in years. One might ask why would a father watch a video of his daughters totaled car in which she lost her life? Why?

She has no gravesite as she was cremated. Not my choice but that's how it is.  I wonder and I have wondered in the past if this was(is) my way of visiting her "gravesite"?  I think maybe so. Perhaps.

I recall studying every inch of that wreckage and the surrounding interstate road for clues on what might have gone awry.  I did it time and time again.

I recall calling the accident investigator who calmly answered my questions and gave me all the time I wanted. A good man. God bless him. He was so kind.  I called him a second time, and he made time again. Eventually one of my sons wanted to talk to him so we did a three-way call. 

All these years later it's still hard to believe she's gone. But the video makes it painfully real. In an odd way I'm glad I have the link again. It's my only link to her "gravesite". 

R.I.P.  Pumpkin Pie. 

 According to the blog, there was no entry in 2024. Yep. It seems that writing was reinforcing the bad feelings inside of me in 2023 rather than being a catharsis.  So I stopped. At this point I don't recall the later part of 2023 but does anyone?  Honestly, I don't recall much of the two years spent with Mom now but there is certainly some history here of that era.  I'd like to capture a few things on paper(digits in space) to bring this up to date.

2024: It opened with Mom's continued spiral down the Dementia Hole.  Her ongoing issue with heart failure was coming to a head.  I recall in the first three weeks of January she gained 19 pounds due to fluid retention! And she was hardly eating! Sometime that month she asked me if she could sleep in the recliner in the living room. Gone was the demanding, aggressive Mom. She was replaced with a child asking permission.  The last four to six weeks of her life would be spent in that recliner most of the time. 

Mom.  I miss her.  Not the facsimile of herself she became but Mom pre-Dementia in which she could intelligently articulate conversations on religion and politics without ever pulling any punches. Mom had no filter. Never did.  But she also had a great sense of humor. She loved potty humor.  One day in 2023(?) I told her I had to go to the store and get a new butt as my old one was cracked.  Her face lit up and with a glee in her eye she added, "it's also got a hole in it!"  She passed in February of 2024 after spending her final week at home under hospice care. One of the hardest things I've ever done but so glad I did.  And so glad we never placed her in a facility as it was a giant fear of hers.  By the grace of God I got through that experience with Mom.  There is much more I could say about our time together but that will have to be some other time, if ever.  

RIP Mom.  I love you.

A moment started but ended long ago or an unfinished/untitled poem from August of 2023.  Might as well publish this unfinished poem. Why not? It won't be finished ever.  There is no recreating the anguish felt at that time.  But sometimes it's important to revisit the dark past so the present can be more fully appreciated. 

Too many battles to win the war 

the war on slavery, oh slave of the soul

You've lost too many battles

how can you possibly win the war?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh game arcade where a mallet does not take

This head, or that head, does not make.

I just don't want anything to do with anything

So I fell down the rabbit hole

where stress and malice

finish 2nd and 3rd sections

Back in Blog Land

 Back in Blog Land, that would be me.  Stay tuned for updates on most everything.  Why not?

That which is not (from January 30, 20232)

 That which is not

Sounds like an interesting place to be

It should be the spot

But will time's stream set me free?

Dementia is hell

 Dementia is hell. 

It is beyond my comprehension why God allows for the slow death.

Time and time again I have tried to reason with Mom.

Always at the most inopportune times.

It's a lose/lose situation. 

There is no winning.

Damned if I do.

Damned if I don't.

I've exhausted myself trying to get though to her of late.

Why?

It's too late.

It's impossible.

Why God?

Why so much?

Where once a stubborn person, now an impossible person.

Soon I may have to move.

I can't go down with her ship anymore barring a miracle.

Fuck Part 2

 Not sure I am going to post much here anymore, if at all. 

Seems pointless. Just one pile of shit moment after another.  

The hand is a big problem these days.  I forgot to put a men's diaper on last night. So I wet the bed, of course. Wake up in the middle of the night in a wet bed and hand aching. Removing sheets and blankets and replacing them is not an easy thing to do on Dad's monstrous old bed, especially with painful knots in the palm. 

Meanwhile Mom is driving me crazy with repetitive bullshit. And she was getting annoyed that I could not wash and dry fast enough so she could wash some towels of which she probably has three times what she needs in her bathroom. She doesn't really need to wash towels.

 Never ending. 

I'm tired of everything.  Relief seems short lived. 

It's fucking fucked up trying to take care of Mom when I have so many issues of my own. 

Why write here anymore?

 Not exactly a warm fuzzy. 

Fuck

 Didn't post the prior post which was an unfinished poem.  Too personal.

So, here we go again with more turmoil. 

It never ends. 

Never. 

I have cords under the skin of my left hand.

It's causing the fingers to curl up, especially at night.

Sometimes hurts like fuck to uncurl them. 

Rarely stops hurting at all.  

I see a hand surgeon on the 14th.  

Happy fucking Valentines Day.

 I must avoid another surgery if possible.  

My nurse told me it depends on me and how much pain and dysfunction I can handle.

Actually I can handle a lot.  

I've had this issue for years.

Covid-19 exacerbated it the past month. 

Fuck. 

Fragments of dreams becoming real

 Whenever Mom wakes up from a nap in the afternoon or evening it's a time conducive for delusional thinking. Not something I see in the morning. This morning I slept late until about 9:30 and the morning conversation did not go good. In fact initially it was nothing more than vague fragments of words that could not be completed.  Mom was repetitively starting and stopping, each time giving up on completing her thoughts. 

It reminded me of late in the day events so I asked her how long has she been thinking about this.  Since she woke up? "Yes."  Since she had probably been awake a couple of hours, in all likelihood she had fallen back asleep in her chair and dreamed and was now trying to make sense of a dream deemed as reality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At this point I stopped writing last night as I was too depressed thinking about Mom's ongoing demise. I was going to write some examples of yesterday's fragmented thoughts.  Couldn't do it. Still can't. 

Today she was not as detached from reality but still quite detached.  She took a nose dive at the end of last year from which she has not recovered. 

One example from last night. As she was telling me goodnight she mentioned she did not know what to do about the lights.  Normally she turns them off as she heads to bed.  I told her I would get them. 

Simple things have become difficult for her at times.  Simple actions or decisions have become complicated in her mind. 

Today I was deeply sad again thinking about the path she is on.  Her once brilliant mind is going. 

Mom 2023

 Me: "How do you feel this morning"?  

Mom: "I feel like I have food in my mouth".

Me: "What do you mean"?

Mom: "I feel like I have food in my mouth".

Mom: "I've been dreaming about Mom a lot. 

But she's not in any of them. 

 I mean she's not here when I wake up."

Mom had no food in her mouth but she needed to eat. She had forgot to eat. I'm slow to wake up in the morning and generally in a fog. Waking up to this is not easy. 

2023, a fresh start

 Two things happened simultaneously in the last week of the year. 

Mom became progressively worse as the year end drew near.

I got Covid-19 after seeing family on December 24th.

The combination of these two was not good.

The fantastic thing is that it is a NEW YEAR!

Got out for the first time this year to do some grocery shopping today. 

Still weak but not contagious and it was a wonderful time out of the house. 

I am very fortunate to live in a truly beautiful state. 

Tonight I watched a video on YouTube that gave me hope and encouragement as a caregiver.

Life is good. 

A Christmas afternoon dream

 Christmas afternoon I woke up from a nap.  

In a church of long ago I was looking for my keys so I could leave.

My daughter arrived with a set so I was free to go. 

But as I looked away someone locked the door that held the keys.

Someone also left the building.

In dreams we cannot run. This time I could not talk.

Christmas afternoon I woke up from a nap.  

Untitled

 An inner urging.  An inner urging to go home.  But I can't go home anymore. I moved last May to a new home. 

So many dreams of the past this past year. Too many involving the first ex.  I have not felt any love or commitment to her since 1997 or before.  Yet she appears frequently in my dreams now.  Sometimes with the dogs, sometimes with the kids, sometimes just the two of us as happened a few days ago.

Grieving my daughter this Christmas far more than last year. It hurts deeply. The tapes of her childhood and countless memories play over and over.  They haunt me. She really was a very special person. I'm so glad the world found that out. What I would give to talk to her now. To try to make things right.  

Sometimes I just feel lost.  Mom and I have gotten along better this week. Thank God.  But her continued descent into madness is a constant energy taker.  And I have little energy to take. Lost.

Lost.  I would like to get in the car and drive somewhere far away.  That in fact was my intention in January of this year. I was planning an unplanned road trip.  

Then Dad got sick. Then he died. Then I moved to stay with Mom. Then a diagnosis for an illness, cancer, me.  Then surgery.  Then healing(not complete at this writing).  Then another diagnosis I have not yet talked about or written about. Not to anyone.  

Along the path this year Mom made it clear she has Dementia. So very clear. And a very good friend from my old job died. Still seems unreal. So much seems unreal. 

I toy with the idea of getting in the car and going somewhere. It would be a short journey of a few days but a road trip sounds nice. I thought I did not miss my home of 42 years but apparently I do. I might drive there soon. Maybe.

This and that and January 1st, 2023.

 No lifting of the heavy phone yet to call the therapist. 

Been doing some other things which have been beneficial but no phone lift. 

Dreams continue to destroy my sleep.  Today I dreamed about my first ex. I could describe the dream in graphic detail but why? Oddly the kids were not in it, just the dogs. I have not felt love for her since before I left our marriage in 1999.  Yet in this dream amidst our turmoil I decided to talk to her and was going to start with a hug(yuck lol).  When I approached her I woke up.

I don't understand why so many dreams about her this year. I interpret this dream as an attempt to do the right thing in a long ago world within an impossible situation. I don't know. 

Told Mom we've almost made it. We have. January 1st, 2023 we can consider ourselves as having made it.  Still to come Christmas and Dad's birthdays. Could be challenging.

Happy moments. Look for the happy moments.

Look for the simple moments. Doing something for someone else distracts us from ourselves.

Looking for January 1st, 2023.

Today, tonight and the next few days

 Mom and I have been fighting the past few days.  We are both stressed to the max and perhaps not too happy living with one another any more.  She was difficult long before the days of Dementia. Long before. To be precise, always difficult.  Now that Dementia has entered the picture her worst attributes have become even worse.

At all costs I must do something to help myself or soon I won't be able to live with her.  She is too high maintenance and cannot reason much anymore. And if I don't help myself, how in the hell can I help her?

Tomorrow I go to an AA meeting. Do I need it?  I have no desire to drink and haven't in years.  But I do think it will do me some good. Get out of myself and perhaps help someone else.

Today I almost called a therapist for an appointment but the cellphone weighed 10,000 pounds. Tomorrow, I will try to lift it again.

Thursday night I will take Mom to look at some beautiful lights a few miles from here if I can get her out of the house. So much we ever do together depends on whether I can get her out of the house. 

Friday night I plan on  going to an Astronomy Christmas dinner with a new club I recently joined. Not easy for this anti-social person to get out of their comfort zone.  But the benefits outweigh the costs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The thing really eating my lunch right now above all else is the deep pain in my heart for my daughter who died last year. It's like it happened yesterday. Even though we had not talked in a couple of years I miss her, of course.  I believe in the afterlife that I will see her again.  Tonight I thought of how beautiful that moment will be.  I long for it.  I'd rather be there than here but I'm here so...

If

 If I could go back in time I would.

I'd make every effort to reconcile with you, my sweet girl.

But I can't. 

Lately dreams have been hitting hard with you in so many of them. 

Just yesterday, there you were.  

The older you, not your younger version that often appears. 

Just you and me.

 Talking, smiling, sharing. 

Beautiful.

Then I woke up.

HELL

 Today all hell broke loose when Mom attacked me with words.  I fought back and said far too much. Far too much. Words cannot be taken back.  Dementia is hell.  I love my mother but I have never really liked her. Things have recently gone from bad to worse.  I don't know if I am cut out to be a proper caregiver anymore.  I don't have the emotional makeup for it.  So many of my own issues to deal with apart from hers. 

But she does not like to be around people and in her own words a few months back,  "I don't like people".  She would go bat shit crazy in an institution.  I don't want to put her there and it is something I promised myself years ago that such would never happen, if I could help it. And there is no money for it so such would have to be government funded. Great.

God help us. 

You can't reason with Dementia

 I feel like I am being dumbed down and required to change my behavior.  I keep forgetting that one cannot reason with Dementia. Sometimes this is hell. 

Dementia's cup spillith over

 The literature says don't try to reason with someone who has Dementia. 

Easier said than done.

Not sure how much longer I can live with Mom.

My cup is spilling over now and the holidays make things messier.

The new year may find me looking at other possibilities.

She's killing my spirit

 and...

…I'm not qualified to take care of her.

I feel this way sometimes.

She's trapped in a world of Dementia.

I'm trapped in my own world of problems.

Adding hers to mine does not add up. 

The night sky

I love amateur astronomy.  Recently I joined the local astronomy club and found out they have a dark sky location with an observatory that has a 30" objective mirror in it! Folks, that is a large scope and only once in my life have I observed through a 30" telescope. This is the kind you have to climb a ladder to look through.  Way back in the 90s, I will never forget the stunning views of the heavens witnessed. One in particular was the Whirlpool galaxy in Ursa Major otherwise known as M-51.   The spiral arms of this magnificent face on galaxy stood out in detail and I was completely blown away by the view!

To say I am excited by learning of the facilities available in the new club is an understatement! 

Ooh la la! 

The blog name

 I wonder if anyone who reads this blog(not many) has ever wondered about the blog name?  Well?  

I will say there is enough material related to the blog name for many posts.  

This blog and it's name began in 2007.

 Yet I have never posted anything related to its title. 

Hmmmmm...

Orgasmically speaking...

 ...for the first time in six months I had an orgasm today!  Too much information?  This is my blog.  Prior to having my prostate removed in June I had not had an orgasm in about a month.  

No prostate, no erection(still not possible but stay tuned...heehee) yet I had an orgasm today!  

I will  not go into details about how this was made possible other than to say I will be writing a five star review on Amazon later. Yep. 

It felt great!  The post-orgasmic tension release and calm that came over me was so amazing. 

Sad

 Its not an easy thing to pursue the positive when one is surrounded by negativity. I woke up this morning intensely sad. 

 Sad that I said some things to a dear person yesterday I should not have said. I do wish my cup was not full but it is. Strong emotions are something I have always had except when I am dead inside. Sometimes I cannot bridle myself when I should. I wish I could talk to this dear friend but I understand and respect their wishes.

Sad on day three since I stopped taking my anti-depressant. Yes. I stopped. Not cold turkey. That could have dire consequences. Phased it out over a two week period. Have not noticed any difference in depression level. I was depressed taking it and am depressed now. But my emotions spiraling out of control is another thing. Maybe...

Sad for my mother who is slowly but surely losing her way in this world. Took her to lunch today and then to the cemetery where Dad is buried. More sadness.

Sad because I am deeply missing my daughter. The holidays elevate the grief. 

Sad for losing my manhood after the surgery to remove the cancerous prostate. Nothing seems to work but some regain their manhood six months to a year post operation. There is hope.

Sad for other things not mentioned and won't. 

So, the walks will continue and maybe finally I will pick up the very heavy phone and call the therapist on a card I was given a month ago.

Is it January 2nd yet?

Temper

 Tonight I yelled at Mom.  Lost my patience and lost my temper. It is not an easy thing to constantly remind myself that her changes require adjustments on my part.  I really need a break from her.

I left the house twice today and both times stayed out for a good bit of time.  Apparently it was not enough. If I was healthy and running on all cylinders this would not be an easy thing I am doing. But I have many challenges, some of which will probably never be written about here, at least not in detail. 

Then tonight(very early morning) anger struck me again and I said some things to a person online. I regret it. 

Today was a day of regrets.