Christmas afternoon I woke up from a nap.
In a church of long ago I was looking for my keys so I could leave.
My daughter arrived with a set so I was free to go.
But as I looked away someone locked the door that held the keys.
Someone also left the building.
In dreams we cannot run. This time I could not talk.
Christmas afternoon I woke up from a nap.
An inner urging. An inner urging to go home. But I can't go home anymore. I moved last May to a new home.
So many dreams of the past this past year. Too many involving the first ex. I have not felt any love or commitment to her since 1997 or before. Yet she appears frequently in my dreams now. Sometimes with the dogs, sometimes with the kids, sometimes just the two of us as happened a few days ago.
Grieving my daughter this Christmas far more than last year. It hurts deeply. The tapes of her childhood and countless memories play over and over. They haunt me. She really was a very special person. I'm so glad the world found that out. What I would give to talk to her now. To try to make things right.
Sometimes I just feel lost. Mom and I have gotten along better this week. Thank God. But her continued descent into madness is a constant energy taker. And I have little energy to take. Lost.
Lost. I would like to get in the car and drive somewhere far away. That in fact was my intention in January of this year. I was planning an unplanned road trip.
Then Dad got sick. Then he died. Then I moved to stay with Mom. Then a diagnosis for an illness, cancer, me. Then surgery. Then healing(not complete at this writing). Then another diagnosis I have not yet talked about or written about. Not to anyone.
Along the path this year Mom made it clear she has Dementia. So very clear. And a very good friend from my old job died. Still seems unreal. So much seems unreal.
I toy with the idea of getting in the car and going somewhere. It would be a short journey of a few days but a road trip sounds nice. I thought I did not miss my home of 42 years but apparently I do. I might drive there soon. Maybe.
No lifting of the heavy phone yet to call the therapist.
Been doing some other things which have been beneficial but no phone lift.
Dreams continue to destroy my sleep. Today I dreamed about my first ex. I could describe the dream in graphic detail but why? Oddly the kids were not in it, just the dogs. I have not felt love for her since before I left our marriage in 1999. Yet in this dream amidst our turmoil I decided to talk to her and was going to start with a hug(yuck lol). When I approached her I woke up.
I don't understand why so many dreams about her this year. I interpret this dream as an attempt to do the right thing in a long ago world within an impossible situation. I don't know.
Told Mom we've almost made it. We have. January 1st, 2023 we can consider ourselves as having made it. Still to come Christmas and Dad's birthdays. Could be challenging.
Happy moments. Look for the happy moments.
Look for the simple moments. Doing something for someone else distracts us from ourselves.
Looking for January 1st, 2023.
Mom and I have been fighting the past few days. We are both stressed to the max and perhaps not too happy living with one another any more. She was difficult long before the days of Dementia. Long before. To be precise, always difficult. Now that Dementia has entered the picture her worst attributes have become even worse.
At all costs I must do something to help myself or soon I won't be able to live with her. She is too high maintenance and cannot reason much anymore. And if I don't help myself, how in the hell can I help her?
Tomorrow I go to an AA meeting. Do I need it? I have no desire to drink and haven't in years. But I do think it will do me some good. Get out of myself and perhaps help someone else.
Today I almost called a therapist for an appointment but the cellphone weighed 10,000 pounds. Tomorrow, I will try to lift it again.
Thursday night I will take Mom to look at some beautiful lights a few miles from here if I can get her out of the house. So much we ever do together depends on whether I can get her out of the house.
Friday night I plan on going to an Astronomy Christmas dinner with a new club I recently joined. Not easy for this anti-social person to get out of their comfort zone. But the benefits outweigh the costs.
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The thing really eating my lunch right now above all else is the deep pain in my heart for my daughter who died last year. It's like it happened yesterday. Even though we had not talked in a couple of years I miss her, of course. I believe in the afterlife that I will see her again. Tonight I thought of how beautiful that moment will be. I long for it. I'd rather be there than here but I'm here so...
If I could go back in time I would.
I'd make every effort to reconcile with you, my sweet girl.
But I can't.
Lately dreams have been hitting hard with you in so many of them.
Just yesterday, there you were.
The older you, not your younger version that often appears.
Just you and me.
Talking, smiling, sharing.
Beautiful.
Then I woke up.
Today all hell broke loose when Mom attacked me with words. I fought back and said far too much. Far too much. Words cannot be taken back. Dementia is hell. I love my mother but I have never really liked her. Things have recently gone from bad to worse. I don't know if I am cut out to be a proper caregiver anymore. I don't have the emotional makeup for it. So many of my own issues to deal with apart from hers.
But she does not like to be around people and in her own words a few months back, "I don't like people". She would go bat shit crazy in an institution. I don't want to put her there and it is something I promised myself years ago that such would never happen, if I could help it. And there is no money for it so such would have to be government funded. Great.
God help us.
I feel like I am being dumbed down and required to change my behavior. I keep forgetting that one cannot reason with Dementia. Sometimes this is hell.
The literature says don't try to reason with someone who has Dementia.
Easier said than done.
Not sure how much longer I can live with Mom.
My cup is spilling over now and the holidays make things messier.
The new year may find me looking at other possibilities.
She's killing my spirit
and...
…I'm not qualified to take care of her.
I feel this way sometimes.
She's trapped in a world of Dementia.
I'm trapped in my own world of problems.
Adding hers to mine does not add up.
I love amateur astronomy. Recently I joined the local astronomy club and found out they have a dark sky location with an observatory that has a 30" objective mirror in it! Folks, that is a large scope and only once in my life have I observed through a 30" telescope. This is the kind you have to climb a ladder to look through. Way back in the 90s, I will never forget the stunning views of the heavens witnessed. One in particular was the Whirlpool galaxy in Ursa Major otherwise known as M-51. The spiral arms of this magnificent face on galaxy stood out in detail and I was completely blown away by the view!
To say I am excited by learning of the facilities available in the new club is an understatement!
Ooh la la!
