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 An inner urging.  An inner urging to go home.  But I can't go home anymore. I moved last May to a new home. 

So many dreams of the past this past year. Too many involving the first ex.  I have not felt any love or commitment to her since 1997 or before.  Yet she appears frequently in my dreams now.  Sometimes with the dogs, sometimes with the kids, sometimes just the two of us as happened a few days ago.

Grieving my daughter this Christmas far more than last year. It hurts deeply. The tapes of her childhood and countless memories play over and over.  They haunt me. She really was a very special person. I'm so glad the world found that out. What I would give to talk to her now. To try to make things right.  

Sometimes I just feel lost.  Mom and I have gotten along better this week. Thank God.  But her continued descent into madness is a constant energy taker.  And I have little energy to take. Lost.

Lost.  I would like to get in the car and drive somewhere far away.  That in fact was my intention in January of this year. I was planning an unplanned road trip.  

Then Dad got sick. Then he died. Then I moved to stay with Mom. Then a diagnosis for an illness, cancer, me.  Then surgery.  Then healing(not complete at this writing).  Then another diagnosis I have not yet talked about or written about. Not to anyone.  

Along the path this year Mom made it clear she has Dementia. So very clear. And a very good friend from my old job died. Still seems unreal. So much seems unreal. 

I toy with the idea of getting in the car and going somewhere. It would be a short journey of a few days but a road trip sounds nice. I thought I did not miss my home of 42 years but apparently I do. I might drive there soon. Maybe.