A contrast...

Against a backdrop of snow covered hills he forged ahead.
Amidst an enamoring departure, he entered file misled.
Within a context of purer paths laid out before him, he fled.
Without a contest, impure paths fade out behind him, now dead.

Without color, white's residue sought finding, yet remained lost.
Piss on snow and yellows fade, avoid wind which clearly tossed.
Walk gallantly forward, a frown, yes backwards holds the past.
Smile at amber hues along the way, which presently do hold fast.

I don't like Sundays...

Does anyone like Sundays? I don't and historically I never have. Sunday nights in particular I dislike. When I was growing up Sunday nights meant back to school the next day. When I was in college Sunday nights meant back to school the next day. When I graduated and got a job, Sunday nights meant back to work the next day. These days I just don't like Sunday nights period. Nor do I like Sundays in general.

Maybe it is a God thing. Maybe because it is the Lords Day as some call it. Maybe because it is a day in which I use to attend church, both morning and evening. Maybe it is a reminder to me of the past. I don't know. I do get a sense of melancholy on most Sundays. I try to alter it by thinking of happy things but ultimately it remains an undercurrent of forlorn feelings.

Today is Sunday and I am not feeling well physically. So off work today and going to relax and rest a bit. I probably should not be blogging at the moment because it will be nothing more than a whine and poor me blog but hey, it's my blog, I can if I want! LOL! In continuation of this whine and poor me theme, I must say I think Sundays really bother me now due to a sense of detachment. It is all my own doing but I am detached. It is not just a sense of detachment. It IS detachment. Was thinking of proving this point but on second thought, naaaaa.

Happy flippin Sunday everyone! LOL!

I feel loved...

Tonight at work something happened which was extraordinary. A person who I have known for four years and has worked there for seven, came up and sat down beside me as I was wrapping up.

She said to me, "of all the people I have known here or worked with here you are my favorite and I am going to miss you". I was stunned, dumbfounded! As I tried to compose a thought in response, I looked into her eyes which were filled with tears. She has known hundreds of people and I am her favorite? Did I mention her eyes were filled with tears?

This was not a romantic gesture but a platonic one of the highest caliber. To say my response was awkward is an understatement. "I don't know what to say , uh, that is very kind of you and thank you. And I will certainly miss you too." Then we had a short conversation. She will be moving away to work at a new office opening in another city. She made me feel loved tonight in a pure friendship sort of way, what is commonly called platonic.

THEN, I repeat, THEN(lol) I came home and received more love. Came online and a dear friend told me she had just read my blog. She asked if she had told me today she loved me? She then told me that. Wow!

It's a good thing that this was platonic experience #2 for the night! Reason #1 being because I could use all the love I can get at the moment. Reason #2 being because if it was not platonic but romantic I would have rejected said proclamation! LOL! Love on the net? May it never be so! Except of course in a platonic way. Of course.

I just love platonic relationships. They are ever so real. Ever so real. Someday perhaps a non-platonic relationship I will enter into which is real. Perhaps.

Today is Thursday and...

...and I am feeling grateful today.

I am grateful for my children. They tend to remind me of what can be worthy of value in this life. Watching their lives unfold is both beautiful and painful at times. Is not life itself the same?

I am grateful for my parents. They tend to remind me of what love is all about as their undying commitment to one another travels into old age.

I am grateful for friendships. They tend to last longer than romance and are unencumbered by expectations. A true friend accepts us as we are , warts and all.

I am grateful for moments. They tend to comprise the most important part of the time spectrum. What occurs in this moment is what really matters...at the moment.

I am grateful to be alive and free of booze, drugs or cigarettes. Real life is not found in running via disabling crutches. Real life is found in walking through it a step at a time.

But something within me is fearful right now. That sense of impending doom is looming about.

But I remain grateful. Can I be both grateful and fearful? Yes. So tonight I choose to make the best of my moments as I strive now to do.

Have a good day/afternoon/evening wherever you are and whatever you are doing.

Carp Diem!

A history of God and Me part 19

It has been difficult to write the last few blogs. I have felt lost on what to write about. I originally had the idea to write this series out of a sense of yearning and a desire to explore the past. I was hoping it would be more philosophic than it became. I was hoping it would be more "spiritual" than it became. I feel very little of that is contained in what I have written. I suspect that deep down I was hoping for some resolution or some direction or some something.

Some something. I feel empty inside.

I did not write about the cessation of cigarettes which occurred last December. It has been very difficult at times. For the first time since I can recall, I am not using some sort of vice. And so in a sense, I am for the first time since probably preteens, without a crutch.

Exposed. Raw. Nervy. Broken.

What I am feeling inside is not helped by the still fresh termination of a relationship I was in. I was a fool. A huge fool for getting back into a relationship with someone I had before who could not be trusted towards the end of that relationship. Why would things be any different now? A head in the sand works wonders sometimes. But this time things were so blatant it was a slap in the face to me emotionally. It was also an insult to my intelligence. Ultimately though , I was foolish to be in that position. It wasn't real before. How was it suppose to be real this time? Wishful thinking works wonders sometimes.

I feel empty inside. This should be qualified. I mean with respect to God and my spiritual condition. I know what I need to do about it. That means there is hope, perhaps.

Perhaps.

A history of God and Me part 18

She would be the closest I had gotten to a female in three years. She would also be the first I had dated in three years! Lol! I have not dated anyone since her and it is now three years later since then. Make sense? Good. Lol. She had the most beautiful eyes I think I have ever seen in my life. Penetrating sky blue eyes. Stunning. We had an uncanny instant chemistry. I liked her a lot. I did not like the fact she was an atheist.

We had a number of arguments(fights) over God. I tried very much not to argue(fight) with her over God but the debate invariably got heated and took on a life of its own. In our last debate I told her she was more caustically zealous than most over enthused Christians(as she thought of them). She agreed. I used a line I liked to use from time to time..."If you are so secure in your beliefs than why are you so upset at me"? This did not win me any points.

Ultimately arguments over such and various other unmentioned matters cooked our relationship. She moved away in May of 2004. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever date again.

Been in a couple of online relationships since then. Online. They don't tend to work out. Can anyone say DUH?

Where is God in all of this? Where is God in my life? I have now not been to church in over three years. It has been about that long since I attended a recovery meeting. I have not dated anyone of late. My Internet relationship just fell apart(of course it did, they always do..lol). I quit smoking eight months ago cold turkey. I began this series from a yearning I was having. The yearning is still there. The questions are still there. God has not been brought into the picture as much as I intended. Maybe that is so because it is so.

When I think of God now , automatically I feel defeated before I even get started. What's the point? But there is a point. There must be a point. At this point with very little sleep, any further point reflections are being delayed...

A history of God and Me part 17

So how do I follow all of this up? How do I catch all of this up to the present? I am struggling with how to approach the rest cause it is all so boring! LOL! But I will try anyway.

OK, I left the dark side, so to speak. I was living alone in a very lonely state. In the fall of 1999 I joined a local dating club which matched people up(blindly I must add). The real highlight of that experience was the dinner date in which my words consisted of "uh huh" and "yes" along with the occasional "yeah" and "I see". What does one do when one is with a yakker and one finishes their dinner first? They order desert in hopes of getting the flock out of there soon!

I had interests in various women at the twelve step group but none of those ever went anywhere. I kept finding out how if you want to find out how messed up you are, just get into a relationship with someone there! I tried other recovery groups in town who had other women. A highlight was an interest I developed with a girl at one of those other recovery groups in town. We went on a few dates. I finally believed she had in fact told me the truth one night about having dissociative identity disorder. She had.

Was attending church again but it just wasn't gelling. Same one I had attended since moving south in 1980. Although there were great people there and it was a good place, for some reason I just did not feel comfortable there. Various classes were tried but nothing connected. Attendance tapered off , then ceased.

Long had I avoided getting a personal computer because I used one at work and did not want to spend all of my free time on a pc. Us addictive personality types can foresee such behavior sometimes. But eventually I succumbed to the beast. Then I began the process of spending all of my free time on the pc.

Joined several online dating sites and met three women. One was really nice and we had a fantastic chemistry online and off. Ended up dating for several months although she was in another town. She was a deeply religious person(some would say or would prefer the term "spiritual") We talked a lot on the phone. We talked about all sorts of things but for some odd reason we didn't talk about God a whole lot. She and I did not work out when she told me she was seeing another man(who she eventually married)! Then I understood better why there just was not enough time for us.

I discovered the absolute blissful and delusional joy of chat rooms in 2000. Now here was a place where loneliness could be instantly dispelled. Here was a place where escapism could be instantly had. Sad. But true. And fun and entertaining. Just not a particularly healthy emotional environment. It was my kind of place! LOL! Chat rooms have been a part of my free time now for seven years, off and on.

One time off was in late 2003 to mid 2004 when I met a local lady with beautiful blue eyes. She was an atheist.

A history of God and Me part 16

Before I bring you to the present and cover things which have transpired between then and now as well as my current reflections on God, I want to go into something else that happened that summer, that summer of hell...

Something I become aware of while married to my second wife is that she was very nervous about dark spiritual forces. Anything having to do with Satan or the occult really bothered her. She would not listen to Led Zeppelin because of rumors of selling their souls to the devil. She vehemently would not listen to the Beatles for the longest time because the founder of the Satanic church appears on the cover of Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band. Because I loved the Beatles she eventually gave in. But not Zep. One time I had to remove a bag of old records from beneath the bed during the first month we lived together because she was convinced one of the records was Satanic. It was in fact.

During that hellish summer of 99 when I lost her, I grieved a lot. Grief generates much anger at times. One such time I was so over the top with emotion I considered feeding on her fears via the dark side. As I thought about it it seemed that would work well in several respects. My twelve step group promoted the utilization of a power greater than myself. OK. Why not? And rather than walking by faith as they say, I could walk by sight. Powerful. A power greater than myself. Hmm.

Now I must say I don't feel overly comfortable writing about this. In fact I had intended on skipping it for blog purposes as it is something I rarely talk about and I have discussed it with very few people. I will say I did end up taking advantage of my exs fears. Primarily by email. I scared her so much she called me from England a couple of times. Never threatened her per se, just used words in a dark sort of way to elicit certain responses.

I am very ashamed of this history of my spiritual life. It was and is not right. It was bizarre. It consisted of trances and utilizing what I know about hypnotic altered states. It consisted of communication with evil forces. It consisted of writings as a result of that. It was a place I should not have visited. I did not stay there long...a few weeks. It ultimately scared me so much that I renounced that which had a hold of me. My best friend(who I reluctantly told) thought that it was all in my mind. That hurt. I knew better. I know what really happened. I don't remember it all now but I remember enough to know I want to forget about it. And that is really all I want to talk about it.

How could God listen to a person like me who has played teeter totter with Him for years, been faithful to Him and then not, an on again off again relationship, and then the ultimate sin, to connect with the dark side like I had?

Why would God listen to me anymore? I had not just left my best friend many times. I had sided with the enemy.

A history of God and Me part 15

When it was confirmed what I had for a while suspected in June of 1999, my world fell apart. I fell apart. I told my ex wife that what goes around comes around. And now it was coming around on me. I told her I knew a bit of how she must have felt and that I was sorry for hurting her the way I did. I also told her I was alone now. An odd thing to say to ones ex over the phone at 2 in the morning but I said it.

Alone and scared. Terrified. Vacillating back and forth between extremes of anger and sadness I became an emotional wreck. I did not realize at the time I had two divorces to process and heal from. A pending one as well as the one just a year and half earlier. Can anyone say screwed up?

Crawled back into the twelve step group. At every meeting I had something to share. Topics frequently became relationship oriented when I was there or how to stay sober. God, I wanted to drink so badly that summer. I cried at a lot of meetings. For some reason I started keeping a daily journal. Something I had never done much of before. It seemed to help to write. It was evidence of my insanity to be sure. Much of it is now destroyed. Writings and meetings were my life other than work.

One night in utter loneliness and despair I became intensely angry. I had been crying and had actually cried myself to sleep for an early evening nap. Woke up from that involuntary slumber and I was pissed. How dare she do what she did to me! I called her up on the phone and chewed her ass out. She knew I had lost it and asked if I was OK? "Fine, I said and a drink might just make me even better!" She wanted to come over. I started crying again because as much as I wanted to see her and as much as I missed her I could not see her. She had a new man in her life and I had to respect boundaries. Mine. Seeing her would only crush me. I wanted to get smashed rather than crushed.

I left the apartment in a rage. "Fuck it all! I am going to get a drink!" I got in my car and drove. If I recall correctly at one point I thought , "God forgive me for what I am about to do". Not thinking in terms of sinfulness, I was thinking in terms of giving up. Giving up completely and going out with a drunken bash. Leaving Las Vegas. Do it!

When I got to the road that would either take me to a club or towards the group, I turned towards the group. To this day I am not sure how exactly that happened since I had already made up my mind to drink. I do think I thought of consequences and my children but in my rage I blacked out thoughts. Rages are black out experiences to me just as being smashed can be. I walked into the building and back out, seeing that it was dance night. I went to another group around the corner where it was karaoke night. Upon hearing a song regarding lost love I promptly used the restroom with all intents of leaving after said use. This quick departure was made sure when I realized I had just used the women's bathroom! LOL!

A miracle occurred that night when I went to the only other nearby group in town. I spilled my guts, weeping as I shared my torment of lost love and my fear of drinking again. Those wonderful people, those angels from heaven saved me that night. They shared themselves in the meeting. I felt slightly better. Afterwards they made sure I was preoccupied with their presence and their conversation. They kept me there until past bar closing time and then asked if I was OK. I was and I could smile. I went home sober.

I love those people and what they did that night. They did what I could not do for myself. I firmly believe God used those people. No doubt in my mind. A miracle had occurred. If I could weather an emotional storm like that without drinking it would be OK. And it would be OK. I did not drink that night nor that summer, the summer from hell. Nor have I had a drink since. At nearly thirteen years sober now I look back at that night in June of 99 as the most pivotal in my recovery with respect to not drinking. It made me not only a stronger person but since that summer I have had no real desire to drink. It vanished. I believe the desire was removed.

In the midst of hell I found heavenly relief through the steps. Through choosing an amazing new sponsor I found one who walked me through a proper fourth and fifth step. I found one who I felt had been as sick as I was in their past yet who also had a spirituality I wanted. I learned much about the steps and living from him. And the steps are about living. Living life as it was intended. Living life spiritually.

Hmmmm. I miss that now. So what has transpired from 1999 till now?

A history of God and Me part 14

What occurred in that hotel room I will not attempt to capture in words. Now ten years removed from that consummation and emotionally disconnected long ago, there are really no words that would begin to describe it . But later in the day something struck me. I did not feel guilty. Not toward my wife. Not toward God. Just how I felt at the time. I am not proud of what I did. I don't recommend what I did. It is not the best path out of a marriage. Relationships which originate while already in a relationship rarely last. A lesson I was still to learn the hard way.

Within a month I had left my wife and children and moved in with my new love. Fast and furious. To say we were intense is putting it mildly. Within that first month we were engaged to be married. It was a good idea that we first get divorces. So we did and then we got married. Fast and furious.

Prior to getting married I had a renewed interest in God, strangely enough. I was at times feeling guilty about all that had transpired but also I truly wanted to renew a relationship with God. Over three years sober now but I had stopped attending meetings. Had a new higher power, my elevator angel. And God was something I was seeking again. Kim(her name was Kim) and I had long talked about God. We talked about everything which was one of many things about her I found attractive. We could talk about anything. Anything. Wonderful chemistry does that you know.

Kim and I started studying the Bible together as well as praying. We started attending a church. She developed a real desire to know God better. She decided she wanted to be baptized into Christ. I baptized her that December of 97. We were married in January. The afternoon following her baptism Kim looked pleasantly preoccupied. I asked her how she felt. She said "I have never felt so much peace in my entire life". Tears filled my eyes. I felt so close to her. She and I had connected on a mental , a physical and an emotional level. And lately we had connected on a spiritual level. We were truly soul mates if there was such a thing. How we went about doing it was not the healthiest of beginnings but we were deeply close. Intensely close. We could complete each others thoughts. We could read each others minds it seemed.

At her encouragement we started teaching a class at the church we attended. We co taught a group of children elementary age. The class topic was the Ten Commandments. It was a rewarding experience and the first time I had taught a class in about ten years. It was nice to be attending church and be involved there. In the summer of 1999 when we had been married a year and a half I flat out said to her, "I guess that class on the Ten Commandments meant nothing to you!" She cried. This was said after I discovered she was leaving me for a man in England she had met off the Internet.

I was about to learn what goes around comes around. I was about to learn how to live by myself for the first time in my life. I was about to experience the emotional storm of my life. I was about to go through hell wanting to drink at almost five years sobriety. Things were happening and going to happen.

I was alone now.

A history of God and Me part 13

I was captivated by her and our short conversation she initiated regarding the jazz music played in the elevator. It was almost like she had read my mind, turned around and spoke to me. Odd. But wonderful. We said our respective "have a nice day" to one another and returned to the routine world.

Upstairs at the office I was blown away thinking about what had just happened. In just a moments flash I had become more than enamored by a creature of exquisite beauty, obvious intelligence and a charisma that seemed to penetrate me. What just happened seemed like a dream. I wanted her. I wanted to talk to her again. I wanted to get to know her. I wanted to know what made the mystery women tick. I wanted to be inside her.

But I was married. I had never had an affair in over twenty years of marriage. Had wanted to but never followed through on any possibilities. Four months prior to this moment of elevator bliss I rounded the curve of no return. The point of no return with regards to my wife. I reached that point I had heard about and read about. That point where I didn't care anymore what happened. I knew then I was in a dangerous place with respect to being faithful in the future but I didn't care. I didn't care. I was too full of resentment to care. Actually I hated my wife.

My thoughts were filled with an elevator angel now. A few days later I saw her again. This time outside smoking among the smoking crowd. She even smoked! Eureka! I went over and sat down beside her. This time I started the conversation. Suddenly fifteen minutes were gone in a flash filled up by a natural chemistry between us. She was easy to talk to. Beyond her obvious high intelligence radiated something I could not put my finger on. She also had an almost childlike quality. She seemed to be very softly, tender hearted. And that heart was flirting with me. I flirted back. We were engaging one another.

Breaks at work and lunch hours became filled up with conversations smoking together. Every chance we had, we filled up with one another. She was also married albeit separated. She had a boyfriend living with her. None of that seemed to matter. She spoke freely and openly about her life and love, or lack of it. I was falling for her. I felt like I was swirling inside a vortex of intense chemistry, of a passion unstoppable. I wanted to kiss the lips I starred at. Almost invariably our fingers grazed and then touched fully each time she asked for a light. Each time I soaked in her softness. I wanted her. I wanted all of her.

What would God think of this? Huh? God? There were moments when I felt almost guilty about what I was doing. Not towards the wife but towards God. I did not believe in divorce. I thought people who had affairs were despicable and sinful. Much was written in the Bible on marriage, adultery, remarriage. I brushed up on it late at night by reading the Bible and various literature including seminar material on it. I found the rationalization I looked for not that that would have stopped me.

I asked her to lunch. When we met in the restaurants parking lot, we wrapped our arms around each other, holding tightly. A very magical moment. We went inside but we could not eat, not even the salad we ordered. Too enamoured with one another. So we left and went outside and our lips met. The lunch hour was spent gently exploring one anothers lips passionately.

The next lunch hour would be spent in a nearby hotel room, exploring the rest of each other...