A history of God and Me part 15

When it was confirmed what I had for a while suspected in June of 1999, my world fell apart. I fell apart. I told my ex wife that what goes around comes around. And now it was coming around on me. I told her I knew a bit of how she must have felt and that I was sorry for hurting her the way I did. I also told her I was alone now. An odd thing to say to ones ex over the phone at 2 in the morning but I said it.

Alone and scared. Terrified. Vacillating back and forth between extremes of anger and sadness I became an emotional wreck. I did not realize at the time I had two divorces to process and heal from. A pending one as well as the one just a year and half earlier. Can anyone say screwed up?

Crawled back into the twelve step group. At every meeting I had something to share. Topics frequently became relationship oriented when I was there or how to stay sober. God, I wanted to drink so badly that summer. I cried at a lot of meetings. For some reason I started keeping a daily journal. Something I had never done much of before. It seemed to help to write. It was evidence of my insanity to be sure. Much of it is now destroyed. Writings and meetings were my life other than work.

One night in utter loneliness and despair I became intensely angry. I had been crying and had actually cried myself to sleep for an early evening nap. Woke up from that involuntary slumber and I was pissed. How dare she do what she did to me! I called her up on the phone and chewed her ass out. She knew I had lost it and asked if I was OK? "Fine, I said and a drink might just make me even better!" She wanted to come over. I started crying again because as much as I wanted to see her and as much as I missed her I could not see her. She had a new man in her life and I had to respect boundaries. Mine. Seeing her would only crush me. I wanted to get smashed rather than crushed.

I left the apartment in a rage. "Fuck it all! I am going to get a drink!" I got in my car and drove. If I recall correctly at one point I thought , "God forgive me for what I am about to do". Not thinking in terms of sinfulness, I was thinking in terms of giving up. Giving up completely and going out with a drunken bash. Leaving Las Vegas. Do it!

When I got to the road that would either take me to a club or towards the group, I turned towards the group. To this day I am not sure how exactly that happened since I had already made up my mind to drink. I do think I thought of consequences and my children but in my rage I blacked out thoughts. Rages are black out experiences to me just as being smashed can be. I walked into the building and back out, seeing that it was dance night. I went to another group around the corner where it was karaoke night. Upon hearing a song regarding lost love I promptly used the restroom with all intents of leaving after said use. This quick departure was made sure when I realized I had just used the women's bathroom! LOL!

A miracle occurred that night when I went to the only other nearby group in town. I spilled my guts, weeping as I shared my torment of lost love and my fear of drinking again. Those wonderful people, those angels from heaven saved me that night. They shared themselves in the meeting. I felt slightly better. Afterwards they made sure I was preoccupied with their presence and their conversation. They kept me there until past bar closing time and then asked if I was OK. I was and I could smile. I went home sober.

I love those people and what they did that night. They did what I could not do for myself. I firmly believe God used those people. No doubt in my mind. A miracle had occurred. If I could weather an emotional storm like that without drinking it would be OK. And it would be OK. I did not drink that night nor that summer, the summer from hell. Nor have I had a drink since. At nearly thirteen years sober now I look back at that night in June of 99 as the most pivotal in my recovery with respect to not drinking. It made me not only a stronger person but since that summer I have had no real desire to drink. It vanished. I believe the desire was removed.

In the midst of hell I found heavenly relief through the steps. Through choosing an amazing new sponsor I found one who walked me through a proper fourth and fifth step. I found one who I felt had been as sick as I was in their past yet who also had a spirituality I wanted. I learned much about the steps and living from him. And the steps are about living. Living life as it was intended. Living life spiritually.

Hmmmm. I miss that now. So what has transpired from 1999 till now?