A history of God and Me part 16

Before I bring you to the present and cover things which have transpired between then and now as well as my current reflections on God, I want to go into something else that happened that summer, that summer of hell...

Something I become aware of while married to my second wife is that she was very nervous about dark spiritual forces. Anything having to do with Satan or the occult really bothered her. She would not listen to Led Zeppelin because of rumors of selling their souls to the devil. She vehemently would not listen to the Beatles for the longest time because the founder of the Satanic church appears on the cover of Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band. Because I loved the Beatles she eventually gave in. But not Zep. One time I had to remove a bag of old records from beneath the bed during the first month we lived together because she was convinced one of the records was Satanic. It was in fact.

During that hellish summer of 99 when I lost her, I grieved a lot. Grief generates much anger at times. One such time I was so over the top with emotion I considered feeding on her fears via the dark side. As I thought about it it seemed that would work well in several respects. My twelve step group promoted the utilization of a power greater than myself. OK. Why not? And rather than walking by faith as they say, I could walk by sight. Powerful. A power greater than myself. Hmm.

Now I must say I don't feel overly comfortable writing about this. In fact I had intended on skipping it for blog purposes as it is something I rarely talk about and I have discussed it with very few people. I will say I did end up taking advantage of my exs fears. Primarily by email. I scared her so much she called me from England a couple of times. Never threatened her per se, just used words in a dark sort of way to elicit certain responses.

I am very ashamed of this history of my spiritual life. It was and is not right. It was bizarre. It consisted of trances and utilizing what I know about hypnotic altered states. It consisted of communication with evil forces. It consisted of writings as a result of that. It was a place I should not have visited. I did not stay there long...a few weeks. It ultimately scared me so much that I renounced that which had a hold of me. My best friend(who I reluctantly told) thought that it was all in my mind. That hurt. I knew better. I know what really happened. I don't remember it all now but I remember enough to know I want to forget about it. And that is really all I want to talk about it.

How could God listen to a person like me who has played teeter totter with Him for years, been faithful to Him and then not, an on again off again relationship, and then the ultimate sin, to connect with the dark side like I had?

Why would God listen to me anymore? I had not just left my best friend many times. I had sided with the enemy.