Losing My Mind Part 8 and 1/2

 Have been preoccupied with other activities not to mention this next post won't be easy to write because I will have to relive as much as I can to properly capture it. Yeah.  Anyway, stay tuned. I am in the middle of some preoccupations that are taking me elsewhere but this series will be completed. And it will take several more posts most likely.

Losing My Mind Part 8

 In spite of feeling like all the nuts and bolts were about to come flying off, I went to work. Going back to work after handing the boss my lawyers card was going to be awkward. Going back to work after handing the company defense lawyer(for the federal lawsuit breathing down my boss and his son's throat) my lawyers card was going to be awkward.

But awkward does not really describe it.

 Losing my mind does. 

 Paranoia real and imagined had already become my constant companion. As I write these words I think of several events in the prior days that led up to this day that were terrifying. Stories in and of themselves that could be written about at length. 

Things such as the man with the gun in his pocket at the recovery meeting trying to scare me before it started. I knew he was a pawn and didn't show fear. After following me around the club he sat down across from me at a table and went to work with words. Finally he said, "man, I can't light a fire under you".

Things such as going impromptu to my therapists office during off hours and hiding in a corner facing the wall. No one was there for what seemed like ages. I called out several times but only silence responded.  Finally a therapist came out and told me mine had left for the day.  I may have talked to Miss Surprise in her office or not. I can't remember. 

At work that morning I could not log onto any software. It was time for the monthly closing of the books and access to Word, Excel, among other things was denied. No one else was having issues. At some point I was told by my boss not to work on close or my usual duties but to wait for the lawyer to arrive and then I would get together with him. I had nothing to do nor was I authorized to do anything.

Going downstairs and smoking became the routine about every half hour. Where was the lawyer? 

Since the Zanax was not working I started eating them like candy. 

Subordinates who apparently hadn't been informed of my status kept coming over to my desk asking me questions about this and that. I kept telling them I couldn't help them at the moment. When one came over to my desk, one I had already shunned away, I almost fell apart but instead stood up and  went downstairs. 

How many Zanax had I taken that morning?  I had no idea. 

So I took another. 

Losing My Mind Part 7 and 1/2

 Been a while since I posted but it's incredibly difficult for me to relive the breakdown. And that is what happened when I went back to work the next day. I knew it was coming. I was so close to the edge I knew I would fall. But my lawyer and girlfriend said go to work. Ok, this weekend I promise to write about what happened. And then there will be more. I wasn't just being watched before the breakdown but afterwards in the psych hospital. Yep. And I can prove that. Stay tuned for exponential paranoia. 

Tonight I am incredibly sad and missing my daughter. I have not cried in a few weeks but feel like I could cry for hours. Don't want to get started so repression time. Later.

Losing My Mind Part 7

 Watched, followed. It seemed things were becoming very strange at this point.

One day I went to lunch with my lawyer and no sooner had we sat down than suddenly a noisy group of people sat down directly in my line of vision on both sides of my lawyer.  Several of them were highly attractive females in short dresses. Mr. Lawyer said to me, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you". He acknowledged the planted people being used as a distraction and whispered that I should keep my eyes on him.  I did. 

One day I went to a recovery meeting and I noticed people looking at me differently. Afterwards a close friend told me that there had been a special meeting the night before of group conscience or some such having to do with anonymity and I was the main reason for the meeting. He told me I needed to watch my back as things had gotten strange. I had never broken any anonymity rules and if I had, no doubt someone would have talked to me about it. Subsequently every meeting had some new face in it and most of the time they would not admit they were a newcomer. Odd. I became uneasy at meetings. Very unusual that every single meeting I attended had a new face. 

About 3 AM every night a car would pull into a parking slot directly in front of my living room window and sit there with its headlights illuminating the living room through the closed window shades. Parking spots were designated and I really wished that spot was taken.

It is difficult for me to recall any more examples at this point but there were many. Don't want to think about it too much now  but I was paranoid virtually all the time. The lines had become blurred between reality and delusion and there's no doubt that many a time I thought I was being watched or followed I was not. 

Was taking Xanax to help me relax at work and it had been quite helpful for many many months.  At this point the dosage was doubled and I informed my doctor the reason why. But things continued to get worse in spite of it. There was no relaxation to be found.

The past few days I had taken off work and now it was time to go back.  Early that evening I heard an odd sound, a humming of sorts that sounded as if it was coming from the bedroom. I was in the living room. Followed the sound to the landline phone(my only phone) and picked up the receiver. I was hearing the dial tone for the receiver!! 

Can anyone say intensely acute hearing?

Took a shower and while taking it I heard what sounded like a loud pop or explosion in the bathroom. It came from the air filter cover. I never figured out what that was.

To say I was on edge after long periods of little sleep, constant stress at work with the government lawsuit, Mr. Lawyer and Mr. Boss trying to set me up, Xanax which was not effective anymore, and now I had to go back to work after giving Mr. Lawyer and Mr. Boss my lawyers card. Tomorrow would not be pretty. What would I do at work?

Called my girlfriend and told her I could not go to work tomorrow, that I was on edge and if I went I might just lose it. She said I needed to go.  

Called my lawyer and told him I could not go to work tomorrow, that I was on edge and if I went I might just lose it. He said I needed to go.  

I went to work the next morning.

Losing My Mind Part 6 and a half...

 ...taking a few days off from writing or in other words I am avoiding the final part(s) to my breakdown.  :)  It will be written about but just not ready to go back there yet. It was an exhausting, terrifying journey. Stay tuned for for what was called "a brief psychotic episode" although it did not seem so brief.

And now an intermission...

 ...not in the mood to relive the final part of the journey that led to my breakdown but stay tuned and it will be written.

Instead, tonight I am thinking about my beautiful daughter I lost three months ago. Well, in two hours it will be officially three months.

Still so difficult to wrap my head around it. I really missed out on knowing her in her adult years and all the good that she was doing with her life. She truly was an angel to people and gave of herself unconditionally to so many.

Her passing has opened my eyes and changed my life in a powerful way. Sometimes the days(nights) get a bit much when I cannot stop thinking about her. However, I keep something uppermost in my mind that she said and lived a lot. 

"Find purpose in your pain".

R.I.P. Pumpkin Pie

Losing My Mind Part 6

 Yours truly who was majorly fucked up, married Miss BPD in January of 1998. The best moments of the marriage were beyond compare as were the worst moments. A book could be written about the short lived marriage(the idea was abandoned years ago)which lasted just a year and a half.

Depression hit me often as I missed my kids. What had I done? Christmas of 98 they came over and we spent the evening together along with her children. Driving mine home that night I became very sad knowing I would miss Christmas Day with them. Walked them to the door and as soon as the boys went inside I started crying. My daughter asked me if I would like to come in. Told her no, that it would just make matters worse.

Earlier in 98 I realized the grave mistake I had made marrying so quickly and to someone with BPD. To say that the marriage was stressful was an understatement. Periodic bouts of inappropriate anger not to mention raging were not fun.  I felt trapped. I had witnessed what happened before when I moved out and knew it would be apocalyptic if I did it again. Misery. Sex was amazing, beyond amazing but I was miserable.

Loved anytime I saw my kids. That and working(I worked extra hours often just to avoid going home) helped me survive. I had stopped going to recovery meetings but was going to church with the wife and her kids.  We even taught a children's class.

In early 1999 I discovered a website of one of my(hers too by now) favorite musical artists with a bulletin board to post messages to others that also admired the artist. The only access to it was our respective computers at work since we had no personal computer. More on this in a bit.

Our marriage was becoming progressively worse with the distance growing between us. Sensing our marriage truly was doomed I spent some time going back to recovery meetings and a great deal of time reflecting on what to do. 

Ultimately, I decided I didn't want another failed marriage and I did love her. Maybe it was her distance calling me to her. I don't know but I did know I didn't want to lose her. She was uniquely special. Yes, there were plenty of really bad moments but there was also the good moments, the great moments. She could be like a sweet little child, she could fascinate with deep intellectual discussions and, she could be the most passionate lover one can imagine. I wanted to make it work!

Within a few days of that renewed commitment I discovered she was having an affair with a man from the artist website who flew over to meet and do the wild thing with her. He came all the way from England. The story is quite dramatic and the details of how I found out and all that transpired along the way would require too much writing. But just call me Joe Detective because I was. Oh, by the way, they got engaged to be married before they even met. Yep.

June of 99 found me living alone and without a relationship for the first time in my life. Lonely,  heartbroken, neurotic as they come.  And I did not have just one divorce to process but two. Writing became an outlet with daily journaling and writing poems for the first time in my life. It was common for me to write five to six poems a day. I was going to therapy which was helpful but I was dying inside. 

Work had been stressful the past couple of years but by 2000 a lawsuit by the government made things exponentially worse. Legal fees were $100,000 a month. Yeah. A wonderful lawyer(whose boss had worked on the Clinton Monica Lewinsky case) tried to set me up as either a fall guy or a dead end guy. This was done in collusion with my boss. 

I was asked to sign an affidavit that I was the custodian of certain documents related to the lawsuit and that I had thoroughly examined the same. Neither was true. This was on a Friday and the documents were to be delivered on Monday so I had not even seen the documents let alone review them. I told our wonderful lawyer that I could not sign the sworn statement and his reply was "don't worry, if anyone gets in trouble, it will be me".  I thought to myself, "self, he's right, he's going to get into trouble, not me".

Monday I gave my lawyers card to both him and my boss with the intention of suing them. I had learned early in my career to document things as if you were going to trial and there was clear evidence of their attempt to get me to commit fraud on an affidavit.  I envisioned Mr. Wonderful High Dollar Lawyer being disbarred and my boss who was already being named as a responsible party in the lawsuit being in deeper do do.

Yours truly who was quite stressed already with living the solo life, not getting enough sleep, working countless hours with multiple company issues in the frying pan, and taking Xanax to enable me to work suddenly went into the upper stratosphere of stress levels.

I started being followed a lot.

Losing My Mind Part 5

 Told her I had to go. She asked me what I was going to do. Said I had to go. 

Called 911.

She was taken to a hospital, stomach pumped, then taken to a psychiatric hospital where she initially was placed in a straight jacket(according to her). 

That was Friday night. Sunday morning she got out when according to her she talked a guard into letting her go. BPD's are notorious manipulators but they are also notorious liars. It certainly all seemed too fast to me.

Monday I went to a bookstore and bought several books on Borderline Personality Disorder. I gave myself an incredibly fast education.  

That Friday(one week from her attempted suicide) I invited her to go with me to celebrate three years of sobriety at the club.  Afterwards, I confirmed I still wanted to marry her. 

Now, what sort of person would go through what I went through and not only see them again but still plan on getting married to them?  A person must be nuts to even fantasize about such things, let alone act them out. 

In less than one week both my daughter and fiancee had attempted suicide. This was what my therapist would later describe as the "war zone"  I had been through.

But yours truly now had a pretty good understanding of BPD and yours truly thought everyone deserves love and yours truly thought he could be a positive influence for good in her life. She would be ok with me. Yeah.

Two months later the divorce from the first wife was finalized. 

Three months later I married the girl of my dreams. Yeah.

Again, how can anyone do such a thing ? 

How?  

In recovery it is often said if you want to find out how fucked up you are, then just get into a realtionship.

I was majorly fucked up.

Losing My Mind Part 4

 When she(Miss BPD) got home that Friday Night I let the cat out of the bag about moving out to spend some time with my daughter but that I was not breaking up with her. No matter how many times I said it or how many times I reworded it or how many times I stated it in the most carefully crafted fashion she was relentless. I must have said I was NOT breaking up with her ten thousand times. She never "heard"it.

Relentless crying, relentless scary body language, a relentless disbelief that I was not breaking up with her, a relentless etc. I ended the statement with etc. because she was like a broken record repeating itself over and over. A broken vinyl record repeats itself over and over again relentlessly until someone lifts the needle or turns off the turntable. Neither was happening.

 After God knows how long I finally said, "why can't you understand me that I am NOT breaking up with you"?  Sitting on the floor with her arms drooped like rubber on the carpet and dark glazed eyes slowly looking upward she replied, "because I am sick".  

I believed her.

Yours truly vaguely recalls gently telling her I need to just pack a few things and headed upstairs. Standing at the closet she hit me as hard as she could in the back!  Stunned with pain and shock I almost turned around to backhand the hell out of her! She knew I had a bad back. WTF! Instead, I turned around and thought to myself, self, this is how people end up in the newspaper. I did not want either of us to go there.

The kids bedroom was next to the master bedroom where we stood and they began to cry.  Immediately, I thought the kids will be my ticket out of there. If I could get her to go take care of them I could make like a wonder bread truck and haul buns! Things were insane now. 

It seemed like it took an eternity for me to convince her to go console the children. As she entered their bedroom I flew downstairs and out the front door! While backing the car out she came running around the corner and stood in front of the car. She even tried to get on top of the car but I kept putting it in reverse. It took three or four attempts of trying to go around her as she simultaneously threw herself in front of the car before an escape was made without hitting her. 

Scary stuff.  Very scary. Can anyone say adrenaline rush? Adrenaline rush.  

Driving to my wife's house(not divorced yet) I decided to turn on the radio in hopes I might stop shaking. Classic rock to the rescue! At some point the song, Bad Company by Foreigner came on!!!  OMG, bad company till the day I die! 

Folks, I left her apartment in fear for my life that night. 

When I called later to check on her she sluggishly told me she was dying. She had taken a full bottle of medicine.

Losing My Mind Part 3

 At first light I went to see my daughter. Pale, distant, lost and almost non-responsive to anything I said. Seeing her arms with cuts on them, top to bottom I wept but knew I had to control myself for her. Superficial cuts with none requiring stitches nevertheless...

We drove around in the car for a very long time but I don't remember anything said by either of us. I do remember she hardly said a word and that's not her style. I do remember trying to let her know how much I loved her and that her life had great value. 

This set in motion a new line of thinking that my daughter needed me more than I needed to be with a new love. It was my constant thought the next few days.  Miss New Love sensed it and even went to see her therapist and wrote a poem about her feelings. I still have that poem. 

On Friday night I called someone seeking clarity because I was apprehensive leaving Miss New Love due to her BPD issue and all that goes with that. I knew it would be intense, I knew it would involve emotions and actions I did not want to see. I had witnessed irrationality with her children for what were little things most of the time. 

But my daughter was more important.

Little did I know that after I left that night(stay tuned for one of the scariest moments of my life) she too would attempt suicide.

Losing My Mind part 2

 Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD) is characterized by an intense fear of abandonment among other things. Inappropriate anger including fits of rage are common with black and white thinking being the protocol. If a person with BPD feels like they are being abandoned or will be, they will do just about anything to avoid the same. Can be quite irrational and intense. 

I need to back up and describe events which occurred prior to our getting married. Two events in less than a weeks time and what my therapist would later describe as going through a war zone. I've talked about this with very few people in my life other than a therapist.

In the middle of the night my wife called me(was living with Miss BPD) more than a little upset and difficult to understand. I finally understand her to say she hoped I was happy, that my daughter had tried to kill herself! She had caught her slicing her arms with a knife. My girl's best friend had moved away to New York and I had moved away to BPD land. She did not want to live anymore.

Losing My Mind part 1

 Unfasten your seat belts. I lied.

The last thing I want to do in this blog is cast judgement or sound like I am casting judgement on friends, family and the like. What is the like? Most people and it does seem like most people, blame the ex for their problems, divorce, etc. Ask virtually anyone you know what happened and how many will say the ex did this or that? Yep.

Why is it so hard to look in the mirror?  

So here I go with an attempt at an objective reporting for my journey to insanity. Possible? Not really, but I'll try.

Spent twenty plus years in a marriage that had about as much passion in it as a pet rock. Frigid and ice cold were the norm(norm?)with occasional exceptions such as baby making or fear that I would leave her and other special occasions. I didn't believe in divorce(still don't and I've done it twice) and stayed with her for that reason and more importantly the kids. 

As I lost my manhood(yes I felt that way at the time) I did not ever have an affair until near the end. Twenty years of temptation at various times yet never wavering in spite of always desiring. Something I was proud of. Then a few months before the end of our marriage I became a rock of apathy. I did not care anymore. 

I had an affair with someone who had Borderline Personality Disorder. It was so good we got engaged after one month. It was so good we were married just one month after my divorce was finalized. 

Sound crazy?

Not overnight...

 ...words a friend said when I got back with my first wife after a three month separation in 1993. "It did not happen overnight and the issues that affected your relationship will not be solved overnight".  Wise words. Truth.

The same can be said for my breakdown in 2000. I didn't just suddenly lose my mind overnight but rather a culmination of multiple issues, events over many multiples of years. And without question there was no resolution overnight. I still remember my daughter agreeing with me years later(perhaps ten?) that I was never the same again after  the breakdown.

If I were to write about everything that contributed to the event, this topic could easily go the length of the A History of God and Me series. But heaven forbid that. I could not endure it and the few readers who read this blog might not endure it. But a context of understanding with plenty of interesting stops along the way to crazy land is yet to come.  Fasten your seat belt.

Stay tuned.

An emotional rehearsal

 Not quite ready to write the bit on the wonderful adventures in a psychiatric ward. This will no doubt take more than one post if it is to be done properly. After all there is no short story preceding one's losing their mind for a season. But it will happen. 

In a way it is a rehearsal for a book project(although entirely unrelated) I am working on which may or may not ever be written about here. The rehearsal is emotional investment. My best writings have always come from deep emotions and I am not quite ready to dive into the insane pool of insanity I swam in long ago. Stay tuned if this interest you. It will he an honest and hopefully accurate(as much as possible) rendition.

The past few days I have extremely occupied with my daughter that passed away a few months ago. Subsequent to her dying, the repressed emotions I felt towards her have been released to a large extent. Both good and bad, it makes for great days and not so great days. Truly the days have gotten better. They have also gotten worse.