Losing My Mind Part 8

 In spite of feeling like all the nuts and bolts were about to come flying off, I went to work. Going back to work after handing the boss my lawyers card was going to be awkward. Going back to work after handing the company defense lawyer(for the federal lawsuit breathing down my boss and his son's throat) my lawyers card was going to be awkward.

But awkward does not really describe it.

 Losing my mind does. 

 Paranoia real and imagined had already become my constant companion. As I write these words I think of several events in the prior days that led up to this day that were terrifying. Stories in and of themselves that could be written about at length. 

Things such as the man with the gun in his pocket at the recovery meeting trying to scare me before it started. I knew he was a pawn and didn't show fear. After following me around the club he sat down across from me at a table and went to work with words. Finally he said, "man, I can't light a fire under you".

Things such as going impromptu to my therapists office during off hours and hiding in a corner facing the wall. No one was there for what seemed like ages. I called out several times but only silence responded.  Finally a therapist came out and told me mine had left for the day.  I may have talked to Miss Surprise in her office or not. I can't remember. 

At work that morning I could not log onto any software. It was time for the monthly closing of the books and access to Word, Excel, among other things was denied. No one else was having issues. At some point I was told by my boss not to work on close or my usual duties but to wait for the lawyer to arrive and then I would get together with him. I had nothing to do nor was I authorized to do anything.

Going downstairs and smoking became the routine about every half hour. Where was the lawyer? 

Since the Zanax was not working I started eating them like candy. 

Subordinates who apparently hadn't been informed of my status kept coming over to my desk asking me questions about this and that. I kept telling them I couldn't help them at the moment. When one came over to my desk, one I had already shunned away, I almost fell apart but instead stood up and  went downstairs. 

How many Zanax had I taken that morning?  I had no idea. 

So I took another.