Yours truly who was majorly fucked up, married Miss BPD in January of 1998. The best moments of the marriage were beyond compare as were the worst moments. A book could be written about the short lived marriage(the idea was abandoned years ago)which lasted just a year and a half.
Depression hit me often as I missed my kids. What had I done? Christmas of 98 they came over and we spent the evening together along with her children. Driving mine home that night I became very sad knowing I would miss Christmas Day with them. Walked them to the door and as soon as the boys went inside I started crying. My daughter asked me if I would like to come in. Told her no, that it would just make matters worse.
Earlier in 98 I realized the grave mistake I had made marrying so quickly and to someone with BPD. To say that the marriage was stressful was an understatement. Periodic bouts of inappropriate anger not to mention raging were not fun. I felt trapped. I had witnessed what happened before when I moved out and knew it would be apocalyptic if I did it again. Misery. Sex was amazing, beyond amazing but I was miserable.
Loved anytime I saw my kids. That and working(I worked extra hours often just to avoid going home) helped me survive. I had stopped going to recovery meetings but was going to church with the wife and her kids. We even taught a children's class.
In early 1999 I discovered a website of one of my(hers too by now) favorite musical artists with a bulletin board to post messages to others that also admired the artist. The only access to it was our respective computers at work since we had no personal computer. More on this in a bit.
Our marriage was becoming progressively worse with the distance growing between us. Sensing our marriage truly was doomed I spent some time going back to recovery meetings and a great deal of time reflecting on what to do.
Ultimately, I decided I didn't want another failed marriage and I did love her. Maybe it was her distance calling me to her. I don't know but I did know I didn't want to lose her. She was uniquely special. Yes, there were plenty of really bad moments but there was also the good moments, the great moments. She could be like a sweet little child, she could fascinate with deep intellectual discussions and, she could be the most passionate lover one can imagine. I wanted to make it work!
Within a few days of that renewed commitment I discovered she was having an affair with a man from the artist website who flew over to meet and do the wild thing with her. He came all the way from England. The story is quite dramatic and the details of how I found out and all that transpired along the way would require too much writing. But just call me Joe Detective because I was. Oh, by the way, they got engaged to be married before they even met. Yep.
June of 99 found me living alone and without a relationship for the first time in my life. Lonely, heartbroken, neurotic as they come. And I did not have just one divorce to process but two. Writing became an outlet with daily journaling and writing poems for the first time in my life. It was common for me to write five to six poems a day. I was going to therapy which was helpful but I was dying inside.
Work had been stressful the past couple of years but by 2000 a lawsuit by the government made things exponentially worse. Legal fees were $100,000 a month. Yeah. A wonderful lawyer(whose boss had worked on the Clinton Monica Lewinsky case) tried to set me up as either a fall guy or a dead end guy. This was done in collusion with my boss.
I was asked to sign an affidavit that I was the custodian of certain documents related to the lawsuit and that I had thoroughly examined the same. Neither was true. This was on a Friday and the documents were to be delivered on Monday so I had not even seen the documents let alone review them. I told our wonderful lawyer that I could not sign the sworn statement and his reply was "don't worry, if anyone gets in trouble, it will be me". I thought to myself, "self, he's right, he's going to get into trouble, not me".
Monday I gave my lawyers card to both him and my boss with the intention of suing them. I had learned early in my career to document things as if you were going to trial and there was clear evidence of their attempt to get me to commit fraud on an affidavit. I envisioned Mr. Wonderful High Dollar Lawyer being disbarred and my boss who was already being named as a responsible party in the lawsuit being in deeper do do.
Yours truly who was quite stressed already with living the solo life, not getting enough sleep, working countless hours with multiple company issues in the frying pan, and taking Xanax to enable me to work suddenly went into the upper stratosphere of stress levels.
I started being followed a lot.
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