A history of God and Me part 19

It has been difficult to write the last few blogs. I have felt lost on what to write about. I originally had the idea to write this series out of a sense of yearning and a desire to explore the past. I was hoping it would be more philosophic than it became. I was hoping it would be more "spiritual" than it became. I feel very little of that is contained in what I have written. I suspect that deep down I was hoping for some resolution or some direction or some something.

Some something. I feel empty inside.

I did not write about the cessation of cigarettes which occurred last December. It has been very difficult at times. For the first time since I can recall, I am not using some sort of vice. And so in a sense, I am for the first time since probably preteens, without a crutch.

Exposed. Raw. Nervy. Broken.

What I am feeling inside is not helped by the still fresh termination of a relationship I was in. I was a fool. A huge fool for getting back into a relationship with someone I had before who could not be trusted towards the end of that relationship. Why would things be any different now? A head in the sand works wonders sometimes. But this time things were so blatant it was a slap in the face to me emotionally. It was also an insult to my intelligence. Ultimately though , I was foolish to be in that position. It wasn't real before. How was it suppose to be real this time? Wishful thinking works wonders sometimes.

I feel empty inside. This should be qualified. I mean with respect to God and my spiritual condition. I know what I need to do about it. That means there is hope, perhaps.

Perhaps.