New Years Eve, the best holiday...

Unless I am extremely exhausted or have been awake virtually all night then I cannot sleep as a of late. Once again I find myself getting out of bed after a period of mind racing thoughts has sped me out of bed.

The one thought among many that got me out of bed this time was that I was going to be alone on New Years Eve. I fucking hate that. Last year I avoided it by being with my parents on my Dad's 80th birthday. His birthday is New Years Eve. Historically New Years Eve has been my favorite holiday due to the inherent attribute it instills on me to reflect and think back. To reflect and think forward. I get off on crap like that. I like it. I love it. That's why I hate New Years Eve now. Of all the holidays it is the worst to be alone on. In my book anyway.

That scene in "When Harry Met Sally" when they are together on New Years Eve. I love it. That is beyond wonderful. Everyone should experience that wonderfulness on New Years Eve.

Fucking holiday. I'll be glad when it passes.

The pain of heartache...

Almost Christmas. Almost the end of the year. Almost.

New beginnings. New beginnings are needed. I need new beginnings.

Looking back the year brought great joy into my life personally. It also brought great pain. But that is life is it not? Life presents itself to us with good. It presents us with bad. Without both, without conflicts, without challenges how could we ever grow? How could we ever survive?

Some think it is the good times that make us closer to another. To an extent I believe that to be partially true. But I believe it is the difficult times that are weathered together that make us truly closer. No doubt about it. That is where real growth comes from. Why? Cause conflicts cannot be avoided, not over an extended period of time anyway. Something magical happens when serious conflicts are worked through, talked about. Closeness. Closer. A deeper bond.

If it was easy everyone would do it. Everyone would make it. Not many relationships seem to make it anymore. It must not be easy.

I taught my grandchild a new word tonight...

Yes I did. But before I reveal the all important word that my beautiful granddaughter learned tonight from her beautiful grandfather(hey, I am beautiful too aren't I? Yes! LOL!) I will say it was wonderful to have my daughter call impromptu to go eat. Even though I had just eaten eight oatmeal raisin cookies and two burritos off we went. Wonderful.

In March my daughters daughter will be two. She is picking up words left and right. I thought it only fitting that she pick up that all important word that she will use all the days of her life. Yes. So I ordered some and then told her what it was. She said the word immediately very articulately and my daughter confirmed that this was the first time she had ever said the word.

What was the word? What was the all important word?

Coffee.

:)

Too bad it wasn't instant...

Losing what is found...

I wish things were different.

Sometimes I wish I was younger, born in a different time. Sometimes I wish I had not become older, somewhat cynical and set in my ways. I wish I could change certain things. But I am a realist. I may be a dreamer but I am also a realist. But maybe I am too much a realist. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I am lost.

I wish things were different.

That which makes us whole, that which fills us up, that which makes us complete, that which comes along only rarely in life, that mutual thing that I believe very few ever experience on a truly deep level, that thing that requires the occasional compromise and requires the ever listening ear, all of that and more...It is beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Others may not be able to see it. Others may not understand it. Others may see it as foolishness. But I tell you it is a beautiful and precious thing.

And I tell you the loss of that is the most painful thing in the world.

Some boring rambling...

Got a couple of hot pockets warming in the microwave and a little time before work so thought I would blog.

Yesterday sucked. That's all I will say about the sucking. Movie wise I only watched two, Twister and The Perfect Storm. Twister is an old tape recorded off HBO my ex loaned me(the tape looks to be a zillion years old) which kept jumping and was hard to watch and listen to. Took all day to watch it. Good movie, good effects but it does not effect me like the first zillion times I saw it with the kids while still married to my ex.

The Perfect Storm. I love this movie. I am not sure why. Everyone knows what will happen. It is quite the predictable movie. Maybe it is the drive of the characters in it , their determination, the relationships between the fishermen, the intensity of the storm and their relationship to it. Maybe it is all of that. I dunno. I liked it again. Can't wait to watch all the extras.

That was all I got watched yesterday, movie wise. 48 Hours Mystery was on TV and was OK but predictable. Nice to have the other movies in the can waiting to be watched. And tonight we have The Amazing Race! Joy! LOL!

The hot pockets are good. The coffee is good. The sky is cloudy, not looking so good. In fact just looked out the window and the wind has picked up and blowing dead leaves around. That means rain soon.

It is already raining within me. Bring on the New Year. Bring on another time far and away from the present...

Movie time...

Whether it be here or the occasional MySpace blogging recently it seems I keep second guessing myself. Most of what I have written as of late remains unpublished. Most will remain that way and some is going to delete land.

So I thought I would try to write something and actually publish it. But what? I am tired of writing poems only to not publish them. I am tired of writing prose only to not publish it. Last night in the middle of the night I did publish something here. I immediately sent it back to draftland.

My walls are up. Maybe that is a good thing. I hurt.

So I think I will talk about the morning so far. Did the walk thing up to Walmart this morning. Along the way I witnessed two buzzards eating rotting carcasses. Walked right by the scavengers. Nasty. Stunk. Then I walked right by an automobile accident accompanied by many wreckers and an ambulance. Someone was in deep trouble. The thought occurred to me that I had not been in a wreck nor was I being eaten by vultures. My life is not so bad.

For escapism purposes I bought 4 movies today. Actually make that 5 since one is a double feature. Check out what I got!

Movie #1: Reservoir Dogs. This is a movie which has evaded me for many years. I first became aware of it back in 1998. A friend at work said it was a must see. It was always flipping checked out at the video store or when I would see it in stock, I would rent something else instead that I was dieing to see more. Go figure. A number of times I could have purchased it but I was not willing to pay $20.00 for a movie I have not seen. I got it today for $5.00. Looking forward to it. Stay tuned for a review.

Movie #2 and #3 The Perfect Storm/Three Kings. Ahhhh, George Clooney. The Perfect Storm I have rented twice. Loved it. Have been wanting to see it again and got one with all the extras and an extra movie too, Three Kings. This one I have not heard of but looks interesting. Stay tuned for a review.

Movie #4 Blazing Saddles. Yep. For $5.00 I got the 30th anniversary deluxe edition with all the many extras. I have seen this of course. One of the funniest movies of all time in my opinion. I cannot wait to see it again! I talked to someone today who lives in a bubble. They had never heard of the movie! LMAO!

Movie#5 The Doors. 2 DVD special edition again for $5.00. I love Walmart. I love the flippin Doors. I love Meg Ryan(well I use to anyway, sort of still do, I guess). Have seen this but only once. The Doors music AND this movie can be depressing so I will have to watch it at the right time. I do recall that Meg bears her boobies in it so that is something to look forward to. Yes, I am an animal. I admit it. I never claimed to be a saint.

That is it for the day so far. Been to MySpace too. Oh and I have been to McDonald's at Walmart. Got the double cheeseburger and a large Diet Coke.

Thank God for movies. Maybe before I start on the others I will watch Twister. It has been sitting out waiting to be watched again. Yeah, Twister.

A starburst of clouds...

Brilliant starburst pluming overhead, expanding tomorrow's cloud 

 Reds, blacks radiating beyond vision, leaving a remnant of dull gray  

Beautiful echo, bouncing a heart's tale, soft whispers not too loud 

Touching each soul's core, revealing a mystery made without delay

A year it has been...

Back around the 1998 to 1999 period I was a three pack a day smoker. That became a pack to a pack and a half when I stopped smoking inside. Many many times I have quit. I have used the patch three times, the nicotine gum once(what a joke that is) and cold turkey countless times. The longest periods of time I have stayed smoke free have ALWAYS been when I quit cold turkey. The problem with the patch folks is they do not supply a "psychological patch" and cigarette addiction is far more than a mere physical addiction. Yep. Hello.

Having picked it up as a habit in 1993 it has been hell trying to quit every since. The past couple of years when I would smoke that first one in the morning accompanied by that first cup of coffee, I would almost invariably become depressed. I am not sure if it was a chemical change in the brain causing this or my subconscious mind screaming out for me to quit. Either way smoking became something I did only to feed the ongoing addiction and try somewhat to relax. I hated it. Most of the time I did not actually enjoy it anymore. And I was not REALLY relaxed as a smoker. Uptight city in fact.

The physical pain of quiting does not last. The psychological aspect is another matter altogether. It scares me when people go back after long periods of time off of it, even years and years of not smoking. But that is their life and not mine. The longest I have ever stayed smoke free is around 18 months.

TODAY I have been quit for one year!

It was a year wrought with many many times of wanting to smoke. But it all comes down to choices and awareness of consequences. I feel grateful to have made it this long. I feel happy to be smoke free. All the years I have not had a drink yet I was still hiding behind a cigarette. Well, I am tired of hiding. I am tired of running. No more. Everything needs to be real and remain real.

Something tells me this coming year will be the greatest of my life. Something tells me. And that feels very real. And real is wonderful.

I feel alive.

Awake...

On the very threshold of remembering a dream from which I just now awoke. I cannot remember any specifics other than the good feeling the dream provided and why. I awoke to have it dissipate before me into a bad feeling. Not sure why.

For all of it...

For that moment that has brought us together

For those moments we've embraced one another

For those moments we given a rose to each other

I am glad

Of the times we found, with us, naturally relaxed

Of those times surmounting us, painfully grasped

Of the timeless roses reminding, incredibly lasted

I am joyful

In an instance wrought with the wonder of you

Or an instance with a cry, not known what to do

Or an instance rose a loving sigh, a laughing spew

I am happy

Because it is all with you.

The flower of love

The rose eternally lives to be that flower of love
Forever a flower which reflects its beauty above
In rising above its thorns, in rising beyond the cold
In weakness is made strong, its story forever told

Memory of a rose

The memory of the rose is forever etched within me
Its beauty will remain there after time provides a scar
Its unity unsurpassed except by the cold of winter
Which has wilted its fading reds before our eyes

I can't...

At this moment I am very sad. Grieving seems to consist of both anger and sadness and often vacillates between the two. I don't know what to write. I have written a poem which remains in draft since yesterday. It will probably stay there. Just now I started a new one and stopped. Every poetic thought I have at the moment cannot get past the rose.

The rose.

There are really no words to capture how I feel right now. And I don't want to feel this way. By my writing here I am not seeking any sympathy or comments. Please don't. Frankly I am writing here to try and get something out. But I can't get it out.

The rose.

Hope is lost

It would be nice to write a happy blog for a change but there is nothing to write about. I feel exhausted, emotionally spent yet sad, angry, despondent, lonely, broken hearted. I could go on and on with other nifty descriptive terms. I hesitated coming here tonight because I don't want to blog of recent events but that is what is consuming me. And I don't want to have a pubic pity party but that probably is what will happen. Oh well.

I just don't understand. I don't fucking understand.

Everything after the above was backspaced out. Fuck that. Not going there.

We are all alone out there folks. Can any of us, self included of course, really and truly compromise enough to make a relationship work anymore? I dunno. I think it is a rare thing. I think we have all become a much more self centered society and as such selfishness rules individuals. And it just does not work, relationship wise. Include me in all of this as I am quite self absorbed much of the time. Of course.

I will return to the life of the cynic. Why have hope in something that just tears persons apart at the heart?

We are all fucked up.

All of us.

Today...

Today is a friends birthday. Today a friends step father passed away. Today my own life is in complete disarray. But my problems are small in comparison to the passing of a loved one. Duh.

With all the sadness that permeates today I am glad there is one with a birthday to celebrate.

Happy birthday Zooty! :)

A rose...

Grasping by hand that rose of beauty which we are
Its delicate colors warm us with each fragile touch
Avoiding prickly thorns, else we bleed, render a scar
Gaze at petals of radiant clarity, fingers wrap in such
Its fragrance fills us when darkness hides color afar
Carefully held onto, a loving memory beyond much

Family

The PC is currently operating at what appears to be a somewhat normal level so taking this opportunity to blog. Today my PC has been difficult again. Time will tell what happens with it. I just know it does not like me.

So today I had decided to call each of my children and my parents. I had also intended to attend a 12 step meeting(am thinking weekly would be a cool thing) which I did do last weekend for the first time in ages. The weather did not permit the latter. But I did call each child and my parents. Made contact so far with 2 out of 4.

My youngest son is 12 and of course his interests and friends are changing. He has not returned the call I made to his cellphone. Nor did he return the last call made last weekend. That hurts. The oldest son(20) called back tonight. He was cleaning up the house before his girlfriend comes over. Was good to talk and laugh with him a few. We like to recite lines from the movie "Full Metal Jacket". We did. I miss him terribly. I miss both my sons terribly.

My daughter was the only one to answer the first time. She was feeding my granddaughter or trying to. Sounded like a struggle was occurring. Interspersed with the sounds of young words emanating from this young one was the sound of rebellious terrible twoish sounding noises. She is not two yet. Some things start early. My daughter said sometimes parenting sucks. I laughed. On a different note she told me she was going with her boyfriend to Jamaica for Thanksgiving for a week. Wow. Be good for her to get away.

It has a long long time since I have called my parents. I will not disclose how long. Rather embarrassing. But I called. They did not answer. Called tonight at 6:30 and quite often they eat out on Saturday evenings. I forgot about that. I hope to talk to them before the night is over. I don't hear from my children often and it hurts. Yet I don't call my parents very often. Hmmm. How can I be upset about my children not calling me when I don't call my parents. Hell, maybe they learned that from me...

And now we pause for an announcement...

When I began this blog last July(4th I think) the purpose of it was to get myself to writing again. Write something, write anything. Within the context of a blog I saw it as more or less a diary of sorts in which I could express my thoughts and feelings, hopefully on a daily basis. Perhaps write the occasional poem. Writing poetry is where I really get off. It may not always come together as I want it to but occasionally it really floats my boat. Anyway since this is my blog I have done with it as I see fit including writing about a personal relationship from time to time. I am not sure airing certain things publically is a good thing or not. Perhaps it is unwise to blog about something so personal as I have the past week or so here. So for now I will refrain and write more generally or more cryptically.

So if something seems like it has gone missing that is because it has.

:)

Lost and Found

Edging away from the shore the murky waters reveal depths unknown
Memories of comforting warm sand under foot fade into cold storage
Uncharted passage where mappers of futile endeavor frequently inquire
Lost is a treasure for all who hold secure that which surpasses knowledge
Discounts for sale, found at your local shoreline mall where mud is plenty
Floating away towards friendlier waters where clarity is freely found

Aftermath

There are no proper words in this aftermaths eve
There is only a sadness which penetrates my soul
Acute regret of hurting you who makes me feel whole

A return to recovery after many years away...

Perhaps the only way I will sleep tonight is if I write some. So much is on my mind and yet so much I really don't feel I can write here. A while ago I was almost asleep. On the very threshold of it when my overactive mind woke up fully. So here I am. Ugggg.

Did something earlier tonight I had not done in at least three years. Went to a 12 step recovery meeting! Yes! It was great to go for the somewhat long walk it takes to get there. And once I got there it was great to be there. The old timers I knew from the past, some of them were oddly distant however. Oh well. It was still great seeing some old faces and lots of new ones. Contributed several words to a difficult crossword puzzle that was being played at a table prior to meetings start. That was fun.

The meeting was filled with smoke. Yep. Did not care for that but I was not tempted to smoke. Be a year smoke free December 1. No can do on going back now. So I sat there and listened attentively in the smoke filled room. I thought to myself something I have heard in a Nicotine Anonymous meeting said by someone rather smugly one time. They said if you are still smoking than you really have not recovered to the extent possible regardless of what other addictions have been put down. Hmmmm. Interesting. I find myself tending to agree. Easy to become self righteous against smokers so I must be careful here. But it is a crutch. It is an addiction. It certainly is a path of running. Running from tension just to name just one aspect of it.

I want to go back. Recovery is a good thing. The principles are a good means by which to live ones life. However the smoke filled room which I exited with burning eyes after 40 minutes is an obstacle. Next time I will sit further away from the tables, perhaps near a corner. Maybe tomorrow in fact. :)

Apparently the smoke filled room gave me a headache. I cannot rid it either. Took something but to no avail. I thought I would write of other preoccupations in the here and now but upon second thought, no I won't. Not here and now. Nada.

Hope

When the winter came, the uninhabited found habitation
Looking into a mirror his reflected scowl aged him
A prior fall gave fertile grounds absorbed precipitation
Gazing into a stream his wavering smile grew dim

When the hail pelleted, the injured sought protection
Seeing in a vision clearly a dream colored darkly
The prior fallout's remnant left little hope of resuscitation
Yet viewing them revealed a beauty to put it starkly

Questions...

In the age of melancholy where is the figure of speech?
Without a metaphor will dilemma find expression?
In this moment of transfixing where should one gaze?
Without a compass which road hides beyond the fork?
Into the realm of solid spectrum where reds become blue
Without a doubt a tragic tale, perhaps one filling a gap.

Nothing New Under The Sun

It has clouded over this morose morning
All the colors have turned an ashen gray
Its a new day but feels like an old one
Afterall what's new under the sun?

Torrentially Speaking

See the torrential downpour upon mountainous excursions
See the rocky areas made wet by cloudy buildup expulsions
See the bright day made gray from deviations of precedence
See the wondrous time take pause before a hazy preference
Feel intense saturation permeating throughout the stoic zone
Feel discomfort cast by streams of an unlimited rising moan
Feel released when the pen decorates paper with its airy ink
Feel peace in knowing the papers capture rendered it unique

Their year

The time was a year ago when they first began
That first night being spent together on the phone
Ending in a shower of static arousing the unseen

Naturally together they meshed immeasurably
Untimely conflicts saw them clash periodically
Ending in a wash of ugly reverb dousing their fire

Yet time bore them out, each time to begin again
Learning more, sharing more, drawn yet closer still
Unending in streams of a current, housing each echo

Those moments gone past now partial to them alone
Together their presence a candle remains bright
Unending in floods that feels each finding the other

A safe place

Are you there? I'm here
I feel safe with you
Lending the way to silence

All day her feeling touched me
Reaching me inside with a smile
One of the nicest things ever said

Middle of the night we aptly appear
Awareness made calm in a still place
Slumber may find us frolicking about

A magical mix distilling our safe place
Relaxing, smiling, laughing, loving
Grasping each others natural lure

Random thoughts on writing...

It's rewarding to write something held or felt within one whether it be in ones normal style of the somewhat cryptic or a more direct raw style bordering on a chant or a song. Poetry comes in all styles and there are no rules. Let no one tell you otherwise. Ancient eastern poetry used repetition of a thought as opposed to sound. For example if one reads the Psalms of David in the Bible one will see much repetition of a concept. Check it out.

Anyone can write. Writing is nothing more than thoughts or feelings on paper. That's it. We do the same when we speak, it's just we use or mouths as opposed to our fingers. Mmmmm. LOL! Of course some are more conversational than others and seem to be gifted at gab. Same for writing. Some are more expressive than others... Irregardless it is rewarding and something I recommend highly. A daily journal is a great starting point. Back in 99 during my divorce it was the beginning of writing per se for me. I may not be the best and I may break the rules but it is something I truly love to do. So I do it.

But just as I sometimes wall up and say little or nothing at all so do I with writing sometimes. I can become frozen in my own ways or walls. Sometimes that is a lingering process, sometimes not. It always feels good though when something finally comes out. What we hold within us will always come out eventually in one form or another. So...

October...

Every since I was in college October has been my favorite month of the year. Many good and special things have happened in October. I first found God in a serious way in October. I sobered up in October. There are special memories with my best friend in October.

There is not an October that goes by that I don' think back to that October in college when he looked into the sky and exclaimed, "look at the October sky"! It was an ultra clear and exquisitely pure blue sky that only October seems to provide. Today I walked up to the corner store and looked into the October sky. Beautiful light blue sky overhead with a cool breeze passing through me. Sunny yet cool. It gets no better than this.

Came home and called my youngest son. He answered the phone. First time in a while we have talked. I miss him terribly. He is growing up and his interests are changing including rather doing things with his friends as opposed to his Dad. I understand but I miss him. We talked for 23 minutes and it was good. Normally any phone conversation between us falls far short of that. A nice relaxed conversation it was and I am grateful for it.

The rest of the day so far includes cleaning, working on a writing course, surfing the net and watching TV.

It is October now. The most magical month of the year and it is nearly over.

But not yet.

Well, maybe something else to write about...

Funny. I already blogged tonight and am fatigued and was ready to sign off and out but here I am. I feel like writing a poem or something. Not sure what is there though...


I felt like writing a poem but was not sure what was around
A silence penetrated me more than a bathroom fan's sound
I felt like playing some music but was not sure what to play
Any selection irritated me more than a Raps noisy display
The writing cut the silence, that silence which I love
The writing cut the silence, the silence which I hate
The music couldn't make the cut, I only wanted silence
The silence couldn't make the cut, I only wanted peace
So now I've written a poem which owns a sound in my head
It has a place all its own and I'm rather glad I did it instead.

Zooty asked how I was as a comment...

Yes, this is true.

I got all excited when I saw the email thinking a comment was made on my last poetic excursion into the fields of intimate relaxation and such. Then I noticed it was not a comment but rather a question..."hey you, how are you"?

So Zooty, you can consider yourself told on now. The entire world now knows. Well, the entire world that reads this blog anyway. So, I am doing good I suppose. Doing a little each day on a writing course but need to do more than a little each day. Have been doing less than a little blogging as of late as you can see. And as the entire world which reads this blog can also see.

Have had thoughts of maybe another series or exploration of something like I did with the God series a few months ago but I am not sure what yet. That series was easy to write as all it entailed was going down memory lane. Maybe some other excursions down memory lane should be written about. Maybe.

I keep playing Literati with the Literati Lioness to whom I keep losing. It is just not right. Not right at all. One win I tell you. One win is all I have under my belt to her. Maybe I should remove the belt. I dunno. But it is painful to lose game after game. However it is also immensely enjoyable. Well, I mean up until the point it becomes abundantly clear that one more time I am being smashed into the ground where the demoralized demon losers of Literati dwell. Painful I tell you. But she is deserving of props as she does play an amazing game and obviously thinks through each move carefully and methodically unlike yours truly who still plays the game too impulsively and improvisationally at times. Oh well. Props to the amazing one!

So with this open letter to Zooty and the entire world which reads my blog I now sign off until next time. Hopefully next time will be less than a week from now...

Relaxed #2

In swelling waves he floats toward her hidden palace
In ways that sway, they each find a compelling balance
In the royal union that wrestles within their writhing souls
Is found counterpart, made fully relaxed, made whole

In rising clouds before him, are seen her unseen heavens
Inside them binds a lasting touch, each one newly freshens
In gentle grasping, in nestled thrashing, of two unified souls
Are found entwined, made fully relaxed, made finally whole

Relaxed

In swelling waves he floats toward her hidden palace
In ways that sway, they each find a compelling balance
In the royal union that wrestles within their writhing souls
Is found counterpart, made fully relaxed, made whole

A short whine fest...

This site has become frustrating for me lately with regards to format. When I click on publish a post the post does not come out as I typed it. Lines drop down or extra rows between lines occur. I have one unpublished poem here that the words were all over the place and never would come out as they appeared in the draft. It's a longer poem which I never could get to appear published as it should(but did as a draft). I don't get it. The format is somehow all screwy. I've changed nothing yet it is all changed. A post should appear exactly as it does in a draft, should it not? Weird.

So it is Saturday night and thought I would write. OK, I'm finished now. LOL!

A poem from a title...

I like that title so we are going to go with it and see what happens...

...

Reflections on the fire within

To burn with internalized passion
To writhe with progressive abandon
To wallow in the fiery hells of fear

Reflect on a path permeated aglow
Reflect on a path perplexed, heated flow
To remain unseen what within yet sears

To cool with internalized passion
To writhe with professing attachment
To swallow each other's heavenly hold

Reflections on the fire within...

After missing two days of work I went back tonight. Thankfully it was a short night as there was no stamina. The stamina was spent before it was even needed. But it was a short night. During that short night it seemed that people kept looking at me in a penetrating sort of way and smiling. It was odd. Maybe I am just paranoid.

I don't know why I get so angry sometimes. They say underneath most forms of anger there is a layer of fear. I totally believe that. But what is it I am afraid of that causes me to really get angry at times. And only at a certain person. Irregardless of her stance on things or what she may or may not do, WHY do I get so angry?

Why?

I am an emotional person. More so than many I suppose. When I was with my second wife for those two short years, much that had been repressed began to surface. A lifetime of emotions it seems, were coming to the surface. I suddenly could cry for what seemed like the first time since childhood. Any emotion one can think of suddenly became more felt to me, including anger. With her I developed quite a temper. But knowing her was a real blessing even though it didn't work out. She was a catalyst for much that is good in my life to this day. I will always be glad she was a part of my life. I felt a lot and experienced a lot with her. Because of her I love to write. Because of her I love to feel.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong they say. They also say it is what we do with those feelings that matter. So. I don't like it when I hurt others because of my feelings. I particularly don't like it when it is someone my feelings run deep for.

At the moment I feel distraught and melancholy in a not so good way.

An excursion into frustration...

Utterly frustrated and without a right of way
Completely devastated with nothing left to say
Eventually at that impasse where roads go no more
Predictably, expectations without reason shut the door

There is nothing left to say , the outcome remains the same
So what is the point in trying? The only thing left is crying

The bad thing about being ill sometimes...

When conflicts arise...

The good thing about being ill sometimes...

Are you one of those people whose mind focuses better at times when ill? I am . As unclear as my head becomes while sick, it is in an odd way more focused sometimes. ADD? Dunno. Booze and drugs did the same thing. A way of focusing albeit in a rather unhealthy manner! LOL!

Now having said that I have lost focus on what I want to blog about. LOL! Maybe because it is love and I don't know where to begin. Maybe I will begin with the Greeks. The Greeks had at least three different words for what is translated into love. That equated into brotherly love, sexual love and unconditional love. The ultimate is unconditional love evidenced by Christ sacrifice on the cross. That would be Agape.

I don't think it necessary that we go around crucifying ourselves for others. It is just the willingness to do so. Loving someone to THAT EXTENT is the deal in my opinion. But we shouldn't seek martyrdom. Naaa.. To me real love or the ultimate love wherein a person only wants the best for another and will do whatever they can towards that. Having anothers best interest at heart. And if it is real it is undying. That is where commitment comes in. Some would call love a commitment. Sounds rather sterile but closer to the truth then what is commonly thought as love.

What is commonly thought as love? That magical feeling that bubbles over inside one when one is enthralled with another? That euphoric place where all is good and happy? Is love a feeling? Isn't love more than a feeling? If love is only a feeling that would explain why it rarely last anymore. Because feelings come and go. And few believe in commitment anymore. It is more like what have you done for me lately? I will argue all day that love is not a feeling, that it is much larger than a feeling. Love is that which produces those wonderful feelings sometimes. Feelings are a byproduct of something else. Whether it be a thought, an action, a general mood, a reaction to something, or whatever. People "fall in" and "out of" love. Yet love is suppose to endure. True love is. Why are my parents still married? Because they love one another. Simple. They are committed to each other. Did their feelings keep them together all these years? No. On the contrary when they almost divorced when I was in junior high, their feelings would have had them divorce. But they loved one another enough to stick it out. Commitment. Choice. Love is a choice too.

Why am I saying all of this? LOL! It is difficult for me to use the "love" word even if I feel it. For me when I think of the love word, most of the time in my mind and heart, I am thinking of it as the "ultimate" towards another. And that is pretty serious. Quite serious. I even have trouble telling my friends I love them although I do occasionally. That should not be a problem but it is. So I under use a word in a world where it is clearly overused.

Loving for the moment is attractive in the sense that moments are what we have. Yet it is unattractive in the sense that it implies an unlastingness to me. Do we not actually have more than moments? There really is a tomorrow, not just today. Lasting moments. Moments make up time and if we are going to spend any substantial time with another and it be mutually rewarding, wouldn't both parties have to decide on that to be? Oh gawd, am I making any sense? LOL!

Sometimes we can really care about another person and care for them deeply. Sometimes much will be shared with words and otherwise and an intimate bond is formed. Sometimes feelings will be bubbling over so much that one wants to tell the other how they feel. Yet they don't. Something as important as telling someone "I love you" is best done in person. Is it fair to them to tell them without having met them yet? I am not so sure it is. Most people I have witnessed tell someone they loved them prior to meeting, didn't work out with that person. In fact I cannot think of one that did work out under that scenario. Doesn't mean it is not possible. Just that I am not aware of it.

Apparently I am right and left brained. Right now my right brain is all bubbled over with wonderful feelings. But the left is standing guard. It can be a real battle that I have a very difficult time with. And it can be next to impossible to try and explain it to anyone else. In the process misunderstandings can and do take place. I am who I am and I think and feel what I think and feel. I cannot be that which I am not.

Is there any other way?

The hazards of non instant coffee...

Greetings and regurgitations all you blog readers out there. I am sure this blog gets read by millions. OK, thousands. Maybe hundreds. OK, a few people a day might read this per that nifty software I have that keeps track of such things.

I hope that all you readers out there in reader land have had a good week. it has been good here. Today started out rather oddly I would say. OK, I would not say started out odd, let's say resumed odd. I did wake up early this morning which is odd in it's own write but that was not so odd. Eventually I found my way back to sleep. Sleep was in the bed. That is where I found it.

Slept till flipping two this afternoon! I crap you not! Would I crap you? I would not. Realizing I was out of instant coffee I made enough for three cups in the coffee maker. You know, those machines that supposedly make real coffee but require too many steps when one is sleepy upon awakening?

Now what happened next has happened before and only proves the hazards of drinking non instant coffee. Some would call it real. I dunno. I would call it unreal. But with sleepy eyes I went to the computer and started checking email and surfing a bit. In the back of my sleepy mind I remember thinking something is odd about the way the coffee sounds. Something is odd. But it remained only in the back of my sleepy mind. I anxiously awaited that first cup this afternoon.

Finally I heard only silence. Time for that cup! Upon entering the kitchen it became immediately apparent that there would be somewhat of a delay in coffee drinking. That is unless I wanted to slurp it off the floor or counter top. Yep, yours truly did not put the canister underneath the dealy where the coffee comes out. So the coffee went where it went which created odd sounds which only made it to the back of my sleepy mind as it occurred.

So I decided this will not happen again anytime soon!

I went to the store and got some damn instant coffee!

Dream a little dream...

It is rare when I remember a dream anymore. It is hyper rare when I dream in color. This afternoon I did both. After awakening, each reclosing of the eyes only brought the nightmarish images back into my mind. So I got up and blogged it.

Anyone care for a swim?

In my small Volkswagen Bug like car I was traveling around a somewhat dryish looking lake. It was outside my window to my left and contained beautiful shades of blues and browns. The browns of the muddy exposed shorelines were a rich brown. The blues of the lakes water were a vibrant blue given life from the sunny days rays.

Looking back to find the road I was traveling, I could not find it. Instead I was suddenly in the water. Stalling out was my first thought as I realized the water was deepening rapidly. My next thought was I was being sucked into this lake which had a more than strong current. It was that of a river gone wild. I was going to lose my car, no question. No, I was in danger of losing my life. It had all happened that fast. The car was almost completely submerged and sinking.

The rich muddy browns of the shore were becoming dull and distant. The sky had clouded over and the previously rich blues of the water, which now had my life in its grip, had became eerily greenish. Looking to the shore there was a small area with four or five people congregating. I screamed! "HELP"! In spite of our great distance and the loud roar of the water, they heard me. But nothing they could do. Except watch me drown. I knew the current was too strong for anyone to enter. This was it. In a few moments I would be dead.

I could stay in the car and drown or get out of the car and drown. Car or current? Which one?. I chose the car.

Suddenly I was swept to the right by what must have been a counter current. Or maybe God was looking down on me. The water logged car came near shallow water and I lunged out of it, landing on my feet and starting running. Somehow I found myself on the shore. Dry shore at that. I could not look back. I could only run as fast as I could towards the people I had screamed at.

Then I woke up.

Good Monday...

Good morning. Good Monday. Good moon day. It's a good day to be mooned. It's a good day to be spooned. It's a good day to be marooned. It's a good day to swoon. It's never too soon to sound like a loon. Do climb the dune before you are fume. This is not gloom for this is your tune. This is not June yet you live in that cocoon. Don't be a raccoon but stay the human baboon. Perhaps we'll go boom in the middle of noon. Perhaps a spoon unless forks are the tune. The tune is in bloom, it didn't come too soon.

Good moon day...

A sad day...

This morning I was on the phone with a friend around ten or so when a knock was heard on my door. Oh no, I thought. It must be my neighbor Mary. Slowly and with light feet I approached the door to peep through the peephole. It was Mary.

Being on the phone I felt I could open the door as that would give me an out from any extensive monologue that was about to possibly take place. She proceeded to tell me of a neighbor who was barbecuing and selling it for $5.00 today. Um, OK. Thanks for the info. I shut the door and laughed, telling my friend, this is the sort of thing she knocks on my door for.

Perhaps she wanted to tell me something else this morning. I don't know. I did not stay around long enough to listen.

Perhaps she wanted to tell me she was about to take her beloved dog in to be put to sleep. I don't know. Today Angel, her dog was put to rest at 11 am.

Tears are still in my eyes as I type this. Mary told me just a few minutes ago when I was outside doing important things like taking the trash out and retrieving the mail. She looked lost. She looked sad. She looked distraught. She looked like she had lost her best friend. She did I think. " I'm sorry Mary, I said. I am really sorry. I know how that feels. I have done it twice". I stood at my patio with a lump in my throat. Tears formed. There was no stopping it.

So I listened to anything she had to say which was not much and very out of character for Mary. My voice cracked and after reminding her that Angel is no longer suffering I said I want you to know I feel really sad for you right now. She thanked me and her voice cracked. We both started to cry.

For the first time in a long time Mary walked away first.

Switch tunes when they get stuck...

The Doors. What a flippin great band they were! Jim Morrison? Flippin amazing. Actually a poet who just happened to sing in a band and make it big. Great stuff. Break on Through is in my head but I am switching my mental tunes now to Riders On The Storm. Got to love that one too.

I have found if you get a song stuck in your head the best remedy is to replace it with an equally cool tune which does of course also get stuck in your head. But variety is the spice of life, so they say.

I wonder if that philosophy applies to tunes stuck in ones head?

The Lioness and the Twin...

In beauty held bound by vaporous walking around
With ugly retorts, anger's venomous accusations sound
Storms plummet about, covering each other as without
Yet remain, their spreading calm, felt a whispering shout

What storms, what calm, what can become when one?
What's liked, what's loved, which way will overcome?
What is it with you two, spoken of the Lioness and the Twin?
Descend or rise, roar or split, with each coda, begin again.

Is it Friday?

Seems like it is Friday. All day today I have thought it is Friday and it is bordering on irritating to me now, this particular obsessive thought gone awry. The constant reminders to myself that it is in fact Thursday is becoming highly annoying! It is quite similar to getting a song stuck in your head and not being to get it out. I hate not being able to get things out. Man oh man.

It's sunny outside and were it not still hot it would be a beautiful day. I think it is a beautiful day anyway. Yeah. I feel good right now. Mentally, physically, even emotionally. Spiritually, I feel neither good nor bad. All in all I just feel great. And done without having to choose to feel good. We all know how that one goes, right? Sometimes we feel like do do or caca(insert shit here if you like) for whatever reason but we will act as if we are OK and tell others the same. We will choose to be happy sometimes when we aren't. It is nice not to have to extend that sort of effort. Not today anyway. But what day is today?

Is it Friday?

Fuck me!

Wow, I said fuck on my blog. How fucking crude and repulsive of me. Sorry about that, folks. Fuck that shit. I really don' think very highly of those people who gratuitously spill forth obscenities without reason. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever does it? I use to say fuck a lot but anymore I try not to say fuck too much as it is too fucking decadent a thing to fucking say. Words lose their fucking power or meaning when overused so it makes no fucking sense to say fuck all the time. And I think those people are fucked that fucking say fuck all the time. I bet they don't do the wild thang very fucking much either. Fuck that.

Is it Friday?

Odd times and old friends...

Most of us probably don't like to hear it when another is feeling ill so I won't tell you I am feeling somewhat under the weather. Yes I will. I feel somewhat under the weather. Deal with it! Perhaps it is merely a sympathetic under the weather scenario since a friend of mine has not been been feeling up to par. That must be it. Yeah.

Last night an odd thing occurred. I woke up at 4:30 am after sleeping for three hours or so. That's not so odd but eventually talking to someone I haven't in 33 or 34 years is a tad odd. Yes, I would say so. Decided to add my education onto my MySpace profile. It only took my high school for whatever reason. After adding the school I did a search for alumni from the 70's and recognized a friendly face almost immediately.

Sent an email and corresponded back and forth a few times at MySpace. Tonight we talked on the phone probably for the very first time EVER, not just in 33 or 34 years but ever. Strange, odd. We did not recognize one anothers voice. Lol. It was nice to reminisce about the past of so long ago. Two old friends whose years exceed half a century talking of life way back at 17 years of age or so. Indescribable.

Time is in charge. We only think we are sometimes. I guess that's why each day is so important to enjoy life to the fullest. Making moments matter, that's what matters.

Another friend had tests done today and seemed in good spirits in listening to her message. She has been in my thoughts and I am hoping all will be OK for her. I just have a strong feeling it will be. But I am not feeling too strong myself tonight. Earlier I was feeling light headed and almost faint like. Odd. I think I will blame it on her. Lol. Will I get sympathy for sympathy pain? No? OK.

It's good to be alive tonight...

A sleeping awareness

Into slumber's silence falls this nights rest
Breathing's shallow pace motioning in the night
A startling awareness suddenly made manifest
A return to silence beyond unquestioned delight

Asleep now to the world, remaining closely tethered
Living each breath together, dreaming's airy shadow
United in soul fashion says a writer and his other
Twins agreement roars a lioness amidst their meadow

A desire to understand his understanding of desire

All is not always as it seems. As I have blogged previously about your truth, my truth and THE truth, it seems that quite often reality is found somewhere in the middle. That can be a good thing. Middle ground. It's a good thing to search for. Reasonable too. I suppose there are multiple forms of middle ground worthy of search, particularly when in the dark on things. I don't know what I mean by that...

Is not a desire to understand the beginning point for clarity? If one wants something bad enough is that not half the battle already? If one wants to analyze and comprehend what has gone awry in a relationship one is in or has been in, it can be a difficult task to think objectively to say the least. How can one? How can one be unbias? Is it possible one can step outside of self and think in the third person realm? "I" becomes "he"in other words. Then look at what happened. What did HE do? What happened to HIM? Remove the emotion from the equation. It was not "me", it was "he" . Also what about stepping into the other persons shoes, HER shoes? They may be a difficult fit and be very uncomfortable. Especially if not use to wearing women's shoes...lol

However it's a beautiful thing when some degree of clarification makes itself known. Maybe not all doubts are removed and cannot be removed. Maybe some things may never make perfect sense but it's nice when some things do. Make sense that is. Listening to another and not reacting helps sometimes. Just listening. Caring enough to listen.

Tonight I feel very much at peace.

The world is not a perfect place to live in. None of us get out of this place called life other than as a human form while being here in life. So everywhere we look, we see imperfection. We live in a world of imperfections. Yet, we all seem to strive for the ultimate perfection in whatever it is we pursue. Is that not generally true? The perfect job, the perfect person, Mr. or Miss. Perfect, the perfect drug, the perfect drink, the perfect this, the perfect that. Maybe we expect ourselves to be perfect. Doesn't exist. Not here anyway. Perhaps another realm.

Tonight I feel very much at peace.

I feel something else also...

A desire to understand...

How is it possible to go out into the world, that place where other people are, buy groceries and not buy doughnuts? How can that be possible? Tonight I find myself in utter need of a doughnut and have none. The corner store is closed and forgetful me also forgot to get up there before they closed. I have been reduced to visions of future devouring of glazed doughnuts.

But I digress now...

Presently I am sorting through many thoughts and feelings. I say presently but actually have been the past several days. I feel as though I could write without ceasing and I also feel like I can't put my thoughts together to write the next sentence. Don't know if anyone can relate to that or not. Almost like a fog of sorts. I do know the fog will dissipate and I will see more clearly as that is what fogs do.

When we have a certain history with a person it is natural I think to perceive things based on that history, more or less. And I would add both the good and the bad. Of course. Are we not the sum total of our experiences? Yet how much of the time spent perceiving another's actions is out of balance with keeping our own actions or just as importantly lack of action(s), in check? Hmm. If something concerns me and I don't make those concerns abundantly clear to the other party, then what am I doing? If I only talk about it a couple of times and then not even directly what am I doing? If it comes out of me later on in an explosive sort of way is that not passive/aggressive behavior?

I find mind reading or telepathy as some would call it interesting, to say the least. . However it is not a frequent occurrence and certainly not something I expect of others. Or do I? Lol! When we get close to someone, particularly emotionally close, the minds sometimes can connect in a paranormal sort of way. Twins are the classic example of this. One can know what is going on with the other even when apart. Amazing but true stuff. A point I want to make is I do have a past history of repressed feelings and thoughts, a past history of passive-aggressive behavior. This past surfaces at times. In combination with that is a disposition whereby I sometimes expect others to read me, right or wrong, whether they can at that moment or not. They should be reading the analysis which is occurring in my spinning brain at times. Why aren't they? Do they not have a clue? Can't they read my mind?

And that is just not fair. Not fair to them. My best friend told me long ago I was a card holder. I've never forgotten that. He said I always have a card to play. It may be hidden but there is always one to be played. I don't like surprises. Bad ones anyway. Lol. So, yes for a long long time I have been a card holder, always having at least one in reserve to be played at the proper time. That can be good for some things and bad for others. When it comes to people and relationships it may not always be a good thing.

When I am hurt by someone to what degree is that happening, due to me holding a card or two? To what degree is passive-aggressive behavior occurring? To what degree have I repressed my thoughts and feelings as opposed to expressing them? To what degree do I ultimately go off on another when I have been hurt for whatever reason?

What I have written here has been an attempt to reflect a little more objectively about certain events in my life this summer from the point of view of my side of the street. I don't always keep my side of the street clean. I wish I did. I do much more than I use to but sometimes it can get trashy. I can blame no one other than myself when it occurs.

This is some sort of start on something.

Stay tuned.

Dogs and where does the time go?

Grossly overdue on grocery shopping, this afternoon I found my way there via my ex(first) accompanied by my youngest son. So good to see him. Damn good. He is 12 and actually likes school so far this year. Amazing. He is a great kid with a great heart. We had a blast talking nonsense of all sorts as we weaved in and out of isles. He grabbed some light bulbs for his mother. Told him I would pay for them. After all they were my ride there and I was buying 12 light bulbs already, what is 4 more? I told my ex when we rendezvoused at checkout that it was the least I could do for her. I also told her it was the most I could do for her. (insert devilish grin here). She laughed.

On the way home I told her and my son of Mary, my neighbors and her ill dog(see prior post...I need to learn how to link here...oh well). When I finished telling them that sad story my ex told me Max was not doing too good.

Max is a dog we got way back in late 94, not long after I sobered up. He is acting disoriented and one eye has gone blind. He is not very active at all anymore she said and much of the time has to be picked up if he is to move at all anywhere. It's like he is not aware of anyone around him. Very undog like. I said it sounds like he will have to be put down soon. She agreed. I reminded her of what happened with our first dog and how he suffered too long. She promised not to do that.

With eyes full of tears I hugged my son for a long long time, not wanting to let him go. I asked him to pet Max for me. He said he would and his eyes now mirrored mine. We said our goodbyes and I went inside and cried.

Where does the time go? I blinked and Max is an old dog and ill.

This weekend I am going to go out of my way to see how Mary, my neighbor and her dog are doing. I may even flippin knock on her door if I have to. That will be a first.

Ramble on...

As I write this it does occur to me that I should be asleep, operative words being "should be". Shoulda , woulda, coulda. Blah, blah, blah.

But I am not. I did doze out earlier then reawakened. And I am sure you the reader, whomever you might be, is greatly concerned about my sleeping patterns so I found it necessary to open the blog with the same.

Anyone for a little narcissism?

No? Ok. But this is my blog and so it is all about me. Well maybe not. Well maybe. I dunno. Let me ask my twin...he says perhaps.

Ever wake up in the middle of the night and had Ramen noodles? You know the ones that have about 900% of the recommended daily intake for sodium, aka salt? Ok, so 900% is an exaggeration. Blah, blah. I just had some. This is what happens when one still has not made it to the grocery store when in dire need to do the same. One is reduced to eating things like Ramen noodles. I just had some. They were not so bad but they were not doughnuts.

The narcissistic me wanted doughnuts. You see, earlier I got into a discussion with someone who also likes doughnuts and we talked about doughnuts. Talking about doughnuts late at night is mouth watering. Talking about them certainly fueled the desire the have the same. But doughnuts I did not have. So I went to sleep albeit briefly and awoke hungry. That's why presently 900% sodium occupies my stomach.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get some Ramen noodles.

Nice writing to you. If you think I am crazy you are correct. But as they say it takes one to know one. Original thought of mine. Do you like it?

An old lady upstairs...

My neighbor from upstairs was outside today and it became immediately apparent to me it was too late to withdraw rapidly back into my apartment. I had been seen with trash bags in hand. What, am I gonna drop the bags and run back inside?

She is an older lady in her late 60's to early 70's. She is the type that will talk unceasingly to you while you say uh huh, yes, I see, and various other and assorted responses like that, while she engages in her repetitive monologue. She is a good person with a good heart. She is just lonely and so anyone who she talks to , their time becomes her time. She means no harm but is relentless. I am always the one to have to say something so I can move my stiff legs after standing there listening to her for eons. "I have to go do this or that" I will say to get away.

Today I let her talk without limit. Her dog is sick. I knew he was ill but had not heard a diagnosis. It turns out he is so full of cancer that the surgery to remove a huge tumor would probably not save him and in fact might end his life sooner due to complications and/or his present health. So surgery was cancelled.

Tears came to her eyes telling me this. She lives alone except for this dog who she has had for ten years now. I felt the same in my eyes knowing she was going lose this dog , probably her only real friend. She said she could just go crazy about all her medical problems , her kids problems and now her dog's but she still had her faith. Her faith in God. That could not be taken away. Her faith.

Eventually we parted. Picked up the bag of trash and headed to the dumpster thinking about what she had said and thinking about her ill friend, her dog named Angel.

Ambiguity

Ambiguity rode the fleeting folly into a path of circumstance
Along the way were found stones of harmful circumference
Along the way scintillating sand was felt beneath each step
Beneath each step clogged impressions remained adept .

Intensity's push permeated a repeated path of chosen chance
Affections felt as one, natures course a mystery, a spurious dance
Affections fell into tumbling decay, where missteps stood awry
Between each step symmetry saturated each, with shaping sighs.

Compelled to walk in captivation's path of circumstance
Yet another trail with an untimely tale, unseen with mere glance
Yet stones or sand in a wind of change remain stones and sand
Between each stone remains shifted sand in beauty while at hand.

What's next?

Don't know. I don't think defending myself on certain points or even admitting my wrongs(of course I have them) or creating drama is the way to go at this point. It has been said there is your truth , my truth and then there is THE truth. I like that. Reality is quite often found in the middle somewhere, not at ends of a spectrum, either direction. Extremes are difficult. And I can be quite extreme. So right now I am quite bias.

Yet I have been a pursuer of THE truth for a long, long time. It's difficult of course because who can really look at anything, anything at all, without some bias or subjectivity getting in the way? Hard to do. I know I can't. All I can do is try to minimize it. And it is a cool pursuit. Some say reality is subjective. Some say objective. I tend to think it CAN be both. I do solidly believe that if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around that it makes a noise. That is objective reality. I also believe the mind is so powerful that it can create or alter reality. Perhaps the mind can make a tree fall in the woods...

Right now I don't know why I am typing this blog or where it is going. There are many thoughts and some strong emotions permeating me. Later foks.

A contrast...

Against a backdrop of snow covered hills he forged ahead.
Amidst an enamoring departure, he entered file misled.
Within a context of purer paths laid out before him, he fled.
Without a contest, impure paths fade out behind him, now dead.

Without color, white's residue sought finding, yet remained lost.
Piss on snow and yellows fade, avoid wind which clearly tossed.
Walk gallantly forward, a frown, yes backwards holds the past.
Smile at amber hues along the way, which presently do hold fast.

I don't like Sundays...

Does anyone like Sundays? I don't and historically I never have. Sunday nights in particular I dislike. When I was growing up Sunday nights meant back to school the next day. When I was in college Sunday nights meant back to school the next day. When I graduated and got a job, Sunday nights meant back to work the next day. These days I just don't like Sunday nights period. Nor do I like Sundays in general.

Maybe it is a God thing. Maybe because it is the Lords Day as some call it. Maybe because it is a day in which I use to attend church, both morning and evening. Maybe it is a reminder to me of the past. I don't know. I do get a sense of melancholy on most Sundays. I try to alter it by thinking of happy things but ultimately it remains an undercurrent of forlorn feelings.

Today is Sunday and I am not feeling well physically. So off work today and going to relax and rest a bit. I probably should not be blogging at the moment because it will be nothing more than a whine and poor me blog but hey, it's my blog, I can if I want! LOL! In continuation of this whine and poor me theme, I must say I think Sundays really bother me now due to a sense of detachment. It is all my own doing but I am detached. It is not just a sense of detachment. It IS detachment. Was thinking of proving this point but on second thought, naaaaa.

Happy flippin Sunday everyone! LOL!

I feel loved...

Tonight at work something happened which was extraordinary. A person who I have known for four years and has worked there for seven, came up and sat down beside me as I was wrapping up.

She said to me, "of all the people I have known here or worked with here you are my favorite and I am going to miss you". I was stunned, dumbfounded! As I tried to compose a thought in response, I looked into her eyes which were filled with tears. She has known hundreds of people and I am her favorite? Did I mention her eyes were filled with tears?

This was not a romantic gesture but a platonic one of the highest caliber. To say my response was awkward is an understatement. "I don't know what to say , uh, that is very kind of you and thank you. And I will certainly miss you too." Then we had a short conversation. She will be moving away to work at a new office opening in another city. She made me feel loved tonight in a pure friendship sort of way, what is commonly called platonic.

THEN, I repeat, THEN(lol) I came home and received more love. Came online and a dear friend told me she had just read my blog. She asked if she had told me today she loved me? She then told me that. Wow!

It's a good thing that this was platonic experience #2 for the night! Reason #1 being because I could use all the love I can get at the moment. Reason #2 being because if it was not platonic but romantic I would have rejected said proclamation! LOL! Love on the net? May it never be so! Except of course in a platonic way. Of course.

I just love platonic relationships. They are ever so real. Ever so real. Someday perhaps a non-platonic relationship I will enter into which is real. Perhaps.

Today is Thursday and...

...and I am feeling grateful today.

I am grateful for my children. They tend to remind me of what can be worthy of value in this life. Watching their lives unfold is both beautiful and painful at times. Is not life itself the same?

I am grateful for my parents. They tend to remind me of what love is all about as their undying commitment to one another travels into old age.

I am grateful for friendships. They tend to last longer than romance and are unencumbered by expectations. A true friend accepts us as we are , warts and all.

I am grateful for moments. They tend to comprise the most important part of the time spectrum. What occurs in this moment is what really matters...at the moment.

I am grateful to be alive and free of booze, drugs or cigarettes. Real life is not found in running via disabling crutches. Real life is found in walking through it a step at a time.

But something within me is fearful right now. That sense of impending doom is looming about.

But I remain grateful. Can I be both grateful and fearful? Yes. So tonight I choose to make the best of my moments as I strive now to do.

Have a good day/afternoon/evening wherever you are and whatever you are doing.

Carp Diem!

A history of God and Me part 19

It has been difficult to write the last few blogs. I have felt lost on what to write about. I originally had the idea to write this series out of a sense of yearning and a desire to explore the past. I was hoping it would be more philosophic than it became. I was hoping it would be more "spiritual" than it became. I feel very little of that is contained in what I have written. I suspect that deep down I was hoping for some resolution or some direction or some something.

Some something. I feel empty inside.

I did not write about the cessation of cigarettes which occurred last December. It has been very difficult at times. For the first time since I can recall, I am not using some sort of vice. And so in a sense, I am for the first time since probably preteens, without a crutch.

Exposed. Raw. Nervy. Broken.

What I am feeling inside is not helped by the still fresh termination of a relationship I was in. I was a fool. A huge fool for getting back into a relationship with someone I had before who could not be trusted towards the end of that relationship. Why would things be any different now? A head in the sand works wonders sometimes. But this time things were so blatant it was a slap in the face to me emotionally. It was also an insult to my intelligence. Ultimately though , I was foolish to be in that position. It wasn't real before. How was it suppose to be real this time? Wishful thinking works wonders sometimes.

I feel empty inside. This should be qualified. I mean with respect to God and my spiritual condition. I know what I need to do about it. That means there is hope, perhaps.

Perhaps.

A history of God and Me part 18

She would be the closest I had gotten to a female in three years. She would also be the first I had dated in three years! Lol! I have not dated anyone since her and it is now three years later since then. Make sense? Good. Lol. She had the most beautiful eyes I think I have ever seen in my life. Penetrating sky blue eyes. Stunning. We had an uncanny instant chemistry. I liked her a lot. I did not like the fact she was an atheist.

We had a number of arguments(fights) over God. I tried very much not to argue(fight) with her over God but the debate invariably got heated and took on a life of its own. In our last debate I told her she was more caustically zealous than most over enthused Christians(as she thought of them). She agreed. I used a line I liked to use from time to time..."If you are so secure in your beliefs than why are you so upset at me"? This did not win me any points.

Ultimately arguments over such and various other unmentioned matters cooked our relationship. She moved away in May of 2004. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever date again.

Been in a couple of online relationships since then. Online. They don't tend to work out. Can anyone say DUH?

Where is God in all of this? Where is God in my life? I have now not been to church in over three years. It has been about that long since I attended a recovery meeting. I have not dated anyone of late. My Internet relationship just fell apart(of course it did, they always do..lol). I quit smoking eight months ago cold turkey. I began this series from a yearning I was having. The yearning is still there. The questions are still there. God has not been brought into the picture as much as I intended. Maybe that is so because it is so.

When I think of God now , automatically I feel defeated before I even get started. What's the point? But there is a point. There must be a point. At this point with very little sleep, any further point reflections are being delayed...