Christmas afternoon I woke up from a nap.
In a church of long ago I was looking for my keys so I could leave.
My daughter arrived with a set so I was free to go.
But as I looked away someone locked the door that held the keys.
Someone also left the building.
In dreams we cannot run. This time I could not talk.
Christmas afternoon I woke up from a nap.
An inner urging. An inner urging to go home. But I can't go home anymore. I moved last May to a new home.
So many dreams of the past this past year. Too many involving the first ex. I have not felt any love or commitment to her since 1997 or before. Yet she appears frequently in my dreams now. Sometimes with the dogs, sometimes with the kids, sometimes just the two of us as happened a few days ago.
Grieving my daughter this Christmas far more than last year. It hurts deeply. The tapes of her childhood and countless memories play over and over. They haunt me. She really was a very special person. I'm so glad the world found that out. What I would give to talk to her now. To try to make things right.
Sometimes I just feel lost. Mom and I have gotten along better this week. Thank God. But her continued descent into madness is a constant energy taker. And I have little energy to take. Lost.
Lost. I would like to get in the car and drive somewhere far away. That in fact was my intention in January of this year. I was planning an unplanned road trip.
Then Dad got sick. Then he died. Then I moved to stay with Mom. Then a diagnosis for an illness, cancer, me. Then surgery. Then healing(not complete at this writing). Then another diagnosis I have not yet talked about or written about. Not to anyone.
Along the path this year Mom made it clear she has Dementia. So very clear. And a very good friend from my old job died. Still seems unreal. So much seems unreal.
I toy with the idea of getting in the car and going somewhere. It would be a short journey of a few days but a road trip sounds nice. I thought I did not miss my home of 42 years but apparently I do. I might drive there soon. Maybe.
No lifting of the heavy phone yet to call the therapist.
Been doing some other things which have been beneficial but no phone lift.
Dreams continue to destroy my sleep. Today I dreamed about my first ex. I could describe the dream in graphic detail but why? Oddly the kids were not in it, just the dogs. I have not felt love for her since before I left our marriage in 1999. Yet in this dream amidst our turmoil I decided to talk to her and was going to start with a hug(yuck lol). When I approached her I woke up.
I don't understand why so many dreams about her this year. I interpret this dream as an attempt to do the right thing in a long ago world within an impossible situation. I don't know.
Told Mom we've almost made it. We have. January 1st, 2023 we can consider ourselves as having made it. Still to come Christmas and Dad's birthdays. Could be challenging.
Happy moments. Look for the happy moments.
Look for the simple moments. Doing something for someone else distracts us from ourselves.
Looking for January 1st, 2023.
Mom and I have been fighting the past few days. We are both stressed to the max and perhaps not too happy living with one another any more. She was difficult long before the days of Dementia. Long before. To be precise, always difficult. Now that Dementia has entered the picture her worst attributes have become even worse.
At all costs I must do something to help myself or soon I won't be able to live with her. She is too high maintenance and cannot reason much anymore. And if I don't help myself, how in the hell can I help her?
Tomorrow I go to an AA meeting. Do I need it? I have no desire to drink and haven't in years. But I do think it will do me some good. Get out of myself and perhaps help someone else.
Today I almost called a therapist for an appointment but the cellphone weighed 10,000 pounds. Tomorrow, I will try to lift it again.
Thursday night I will take Mom to look at some beautiful lights a few miles from here if I can get her out of the house. So much we ever do together depends on whether I can get her out of the house.
Friday night I plan on going to an Astronomy Christmas dinner with a new club I recently joined. Not easy for this anti-social person to get out of their comfort zone. But the benefits outweigh the costs.
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The thing really eating my lunch right now above all else is the deep pain in my heart for my daughter who died last year. It's like it happened yesterday. Even though we had not talked in a couple of years I miss her, of course. I believe in the afterlife that I will see her again. Tonight I thought of how beautiful that moment will be. I long for it. I'd rather be there than here but I'm here so...
If I could go back in time I would.
I'd make every effort to reconcile with you, my sweet girl.
But I can't.
Lately dreams have been hitting hard with you in so many of them.
Just yesterday, there you were.
The older you, not your younger version that often appears.
Just you and me.
Talking, smiling, sharing.
Beautiful.
Then I woke up.
Today all hell broke loose when Mom attacked me with words. I fought back and said far too much. Far too much. Words cannot be taken back. Dementia is hell. I love my mother but I have never really liked her. Things have recently gone from bad to worse. I don't know if I am cut out to be a proper caregiver anymore. I don't have the emotional makeup for it. So many of my own issues to deal with apart from hers.
But she does not like to be around people and in her own words a few months back, "I don't like people". She would go bat shit crazy in an institution. I don't want to put her there and it is something I promised myself years ago that such would never happen, if I could help it. And there is no money for it so such would have to be government funded. Great.
God help us.
I feel like I am being dumbed down and required to change my behavior. I keep forgetting that one cannot reason with Dementia. Sometimes this is hell.
The literature says don't try to reason with someone who has Dementia.
Easier said than done.
Not sure how much longer I can live with Mom.
My cup is spilling over now and the holidays make things messier.
The new year may find me looking at other possibilities.
She's killing my spirit
and...
…I'm not qualified to take care of her.
I feel this way sometimes.
She's trapped in a world of Dementia.
I'm trapped in my own world of problems.
Adding hers to mine does not add up.
I love amateur astronomy. Recently I joined the local astronomy club and found out they have a dark sky location with an observatory that has a 30" objective mirror in it! Folks, that is a large scope and only once in my life have I observed through a 30" telescope. This is the kind you have to climb a ladder to look through. Way back in the 90s, I will never forget the stunning views of the heavens witnessed. One in particular was the Whirlpool galaxy in Ursa Major otherwise known as M-51. The spiral arms of this magnificent face on galaxy stood out in detail and I was completely blown away by the view!
To say I am excited by learning of the facilities available in the new club is an understatement!
Ooh la la!
I wonder if anyone who reads this blog(not many) has ever wondered about the blog name? Well?
I will say there is enough material related to the blog name for many posts.
This blog and it's name began in 2007.
Yet I have never posted anything related to its title.
Hmmmmm...
...for the first time in six months I had an orgasm today! Too much information? This is my blog. Prior to having my prostate removed in June I had not had an orgasm in about a month.
No prostate, no erection(still not possible but stay tuned...heehee) yet I had an orgasm today!
I will not go into details about how this was made possible other than to say I will be writing a five star review on Amazon later. Yep.
It felt great! The post-orgasmic tension release and calm that came over me was so amazing.
Its not an easy thing to pursue the positive when one is surrounded by negativity. I woke up this morning intensely sad.
Sad that I said some things to a dear person yesterday I should not have said. I do wish my cup was not full but it is. Strong emotions are something I have always had except when I am dead inside. Sometimes I cannot bridle myself when I should. I wish I could talk to this dear friend but I understand and respect their wishes.
Sad on day three since I stopped taking my anti-depressant. Yes. I stopped. Not cold turkey. That could have dire consequences. Phased it out over a two week period. Have not noticed any difference in depression level. I was depressed taking it and am depressed now. But my emotions spiraling out of control is another thing. Maybe...
Sad for my mother who is slowly but surely losing her way in this world. Took her to lunch today and then to the cemetery where Dad is buried. More sadness.
Sad because I am deeply missing my daughter. The holidays elevate the grief.
Sad for losing my manhood after the surgery to remove the cancerous prostate. Nothing seems to work but some regain their manhood six months to a year post operation. There is hope.
Sad for other things not mentioned and won't.
So, the walks will continue and maybe finally I will pick up the very heavy phone and call the therapist on a card I was given a month ago.
Is it January 2nd yet?
Tonight I yelled at Mom. Lost my patience and lost my temper. It is not an easy thing to constantly remind myself that her changes require adjustments on my part. I really need a break from her.
I left the house twice today and both times stayed out for a good bit of time. Apparently it was not enough. If I was healthy and running on all cylinders this would not be an easy thing I am doing. But I have many challenges, some of which will probably never be written about here, at least not in detail.
Then tonight(very early morning) anger struck me again and I said some things to a person online. I regret it.
Today was a day of regrets.
It has been said if one wants things to change then one needs to do something different. Recently, I've decided to change some of my online activity, namely to do far less of it. Hopefully this will free up some space in my brain for more valuable usage of the same.
I definitely need to change and change for the better. Some things have changed for the better over the past year but there is still an endless road to go. One step at a time.
Feels good already to not be online as much as I have been. But I might actually spend more time on Facebook and Instagram now and less time in places that poison the mind and heart.
The cup has been full for a long time. Recently it has begun to spill over and the spills are painful. I know there are spills in spite of not being able to see the cup. The cup is lost.
A few posts ago I stated I would be posting some positive things and I haven't done so yet. Tonight I am thinking of a beautiful moment that happened with Mom this afternoon. It made my day.
Back in the early 60s when I was just a young child Mom played in the church choir. She had a nice voice and blended in perfectly with the other choir members. It was decided at some point to record the singers and make an LP from the results.
For those of you who don't know what an LP is, it was the main medium for recording music prior to the invention of CDs in the 80s. LPs were great to listen to(still are) on the turntable. And I would argue they had some superiorities over CDs in sound. But I digress.
So, Mom and the others were recorded on an LP and tonight I played that record back for her. Mom who has serious memory issues started smiling and then sang along with the album! She remembered all the lyrics and it truly was a blissful moment for her. And me.
Music truly is the universal language, even for those who are losing their minds.
Beautiful.
Fall
In the fall of the year my mother finds herself in the fall of her life. The past couple of days she has not felt well and has not been herself. That's saying a lot since she has not been herself for some time.
It's sad and now the holidays have begun to take us through the rest of the year. I love the month of October. It is in fact my favorite month of the year. But the holiday seasons itself I don't care for so much anymore. Not as a single man. And this year will be sad because of Dad's passing.
Selfishly, I hope Mom hangs on till 2023. I don't want to climb another emotional mountain this year. I don't feel like I can. I am a bit spent. On the other hand watching Mom's decline into Dementia's insanity is hard to watch and more importantly she is scared. She is beginning to feel lost.
Simple instructions or exercises are no longer simple. The middle knob securing the water faucet in the kitchen gets turned rather than the cold knob. This creates quite a leak but is easily remedied. Doors are left unlocked by her when she opens them to check on the outside world and yours truly gets blamed for not locking the door. Most responses to most questions one can conceive of are "I don't know". Asking an either/or question typically gets the same response. She often attempts to share a thought or say something and can't find the words.
Yesterday and today she has held her forehead a lot. She says it's nothing more than a mild headache when I can get a response from her but then quickly says it does not really feel like a headache. It is just a dull feeling.
Dementia is a disease in which the brain cells slowly die.
Living Hell.
Fall
When the cup becomes full there remains no more room
No more room for liquid slices of life to be distilled
No more room for solid bullshit that cannot be explained
No more room for patience when others don't see solidly
No more room for questions already answered
No more room for sleepless nights or lifeless days
No more room for otherworldly romance
No more room for anyone's illogical moves
No more room for miscommunication
No more room in the cup without spilling
No more room in the cup without cracking
No more room in the cup without spliting
No more room in the cup without tumbling
No more room in the cup without drying up
I discovered Mom in the kitchen the other day removing ice and frozen particles from a frozen dinner. With a suggestion to put the wrapper back on top of the dinner and place the same in the microwave, the oddity was dissipated.
Tonight I laid down in my bedroom in the early evening. Was feeling a bit sick. When I got up two hours later Mom came out of her bedroom with her arms open to me. She had awoken from her evening nap and did not know where she was. Upon entering the bathroom she realized she was at home.
She grabbed me and held on tight like a child who had been lost but found her parent.
Dreams of work, dreams of ex-wives, dreams of my daughter have visited me in the recent past. And more recently I have had several dreams involving unknown women I had passions for.
But first I digress. Walking is a healthy habit and has probably kept me alive the past year and more. Now cats in the neighborhood are typical cats. Quite territorial and of course will not approach you like that of say, a friendly dog. I've been walking the neighborhood daily since February when Dad got ill and until the other day a particular black cat would not give me the time of day.
But last week I once again got down on my knees and called him and to my shock the particular black cat came over and accepted petting while rubbing himself against my legs. It felt so good. He now regularly does this when outside and our paths intersect.
What I discovered with this cat is how starved I truly am for affection. It has been years, many years since I've been in a serious relationship with anyone. I'm starved for affection and didn't know it.
Digression over. Along came dreams the past few nights with unknown potential lovers with romance filling the air. Never escalating to sex yet saturated with flirting, touching, talking and smiling. Wonderful ethereal excursions into the world of affection.
Last night's dream was so real and blissful any words I would attempt to describe it would fall short of the reality of the dream. Just not possible so I won't go there. But in the midst of the bliss and the escalating of emotions, I woke up.
I woke up to the present world. The world where I am still recovering from surgery. The world where I am the caregiver for my mother with dementia. The world where attempts to sleep better with new sleep medication leaves me foggy the next day. The world where I never feel rested. The world where I have not properly grieved yet for four people who have died in the past fifteen months. The world where I think it is 9 AM and it is noon. The world where I never seem to get accomplished all the many things that need to be done for the day.
A world without physical touch or affection.
It left me feeling empty.
"Where is your father"? "Mom, he has passed away".
Mom gets tears in her eyes and I feel chills up my spine.
Not the first time she's thought he was still alive.
The horrors of Dementia.
I'm heartbroken for Mom.
She is very aware that she is losing her mind.
She mentions this horror frequently now.
A broken mind and a broken heart.
When I shared how bad I felt today a friend of mine asked, "why is this happening? Do you know?"
I replied in general terms but now I will get specific. It can be a catharsis of sorts for me so at the risk of sounding complaining(yet again) and repetitive, here goes a summation of events leading up to the present day that affect me.
But first a preface:
Number one, in spite of what happens in life I do believe it's not what happens to us that matters as much as how we deal with the cards we are given. Easy to say yet very hard to practice at times. Sometimes it is a matter of just trying to stay in the game without the cards folding from the ones we've been dealt.
Number two, I have not included all events or circumstances in the following list of significant moments in my life during the past 15 months that are contributing to the current stress level. Why? Some are too personal to be listed here.
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Sequence of events:
June, 2021 My daughter, highly successful in her career and well known and loved was killed in an auto accident when she rear-ended an 18 wheeler truck stopped for traffic. She died on my youngest son's birthday, four days before her mother's birthday and six days before her youngest daughter's birthday. The gates of hell were opened that day, not for my daughter, but for the rest of us.
November A really good friend from work(I had retired in April) died suddenly from heart issues. She was an inspiration to many including me. I trained her when she was promoted and she called me her Yoda. She would try to cheer me up when I was down and vise versa. Learning of her death was shocking to say the least.
February, 2022 My father died from heart issues after a couple of weeks of being in and out of hospitals. My hero, Dad was gone. It may sound bias(and it is) but I have never known anyone as positive as Dad. The worst situation could be thrown at him and he would usually smile and utter positive jewels of wisdom from his mouth. I miss you, Dad.
May My very best friend from work(again I retired in April of 2021) died of heart issues. He had previously had triple bypass surgery a few years before but began having issues again this year. A stint was put in his heart and two more were needed. He died alone(his big fear)in his apartment and was not discovered until his not showing up to work on Sunday. I miss him terribly and dream about him a lot. In fact, last night I did. He was back alive and I was asking him about the afterlife as we walked a long trail in the dream.
Mom had been experiencing signs of Dementia since the fall of last year and her condition escalated after Dad's death. I decided to move back to my home state and take care of her to avoid her going into an institution. She is like me(antisocial) and it worked out beautifully that I would be able to move to her home, take care of her and share expenses to make things work. So a move in May.
May was a an exhausting month. I had been sick for a very long time and finally saw a new urologist who took tests and determined I had a high grade(risk) level of prostate cancer. Nice. Yeah, May was fun.
June Prostate surgery in which the full prostate was removed. In recovery I stopped breathing and they had to do CPR on me. Actually, I was down to three breaths a minute but they considered that not so good and called in a rapid response team of 6 to bring be back. Back I came.
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As I mentioned above I have not included every single issue because some things are too personal. I will say that recovery from surgery has been quite slow but sure and going in a positive direction at the moment.
I'm dealing with an issue requiring a specialist and will be glad when that is over with. That is all I will say.
Life on a day to day basis with Mom is difficult to say the least. I don't care to write about the many experiences with her and Dementia right now. Perhaps in the future. I don't know. But the stress from taking care of her has been astronomical at times and with the worst timing. She did not make pre or post-surgery easy. She made it hell.
I've not mentioned yet other health issues such as painful neuropathy in my hands and feet, arthritis occasionally visiting my body, or major sleep issues in which the days and nights are mixed up.
So what to make of all of this? It seems like I have not fully processed or healed from any of the above but accumulated a set of cards which need to be played out at some point. In the meantime life is a blur and my cup is full. There is no more room for anything else at the moment. At times I have felt like I would break down again(like I did many years ago) but so far my brain is intact. It does feel tattered a lot recently but tattered is better than split.
Soon I will write about the positive side to this. Yes, there is a positive side. I do firmly believe that good can and will come from bad if we so choose such a perspective and get on a solid path. It can open the door to some amazing things.
Last thought comes from my daughter who while alive had the following statement as a favorite that she always mentioned in any training, talk, seminar, etc. Her statement was:
"Find Purpose Through Your Pain"
I searched for the great metaphor
There were none to be sought
The water was too rapid
It's color was too blue
The vessel was too empty
Its destiny only the deep
Slumber was not to be had
In dreams I found no relief
Days were night but nights
were not days, time was lost
I envy the empty space out there
The space where there is nothing.
The weight of my body falls through the sheets.
If there were no God
If there was no mother
If there were no family or friends
I'd turn off the switch
And hear the noise no more.
Long ago in another life uniqueness waxed deep within
Left with nothing but shallow turns and constant whims
Let's pretend at the party where plastic holes melt away
Let's dissolve the distance we've come or no longer stay
Feeling the curve of her ass in my hand I could not discern whether the smooth soft textures in my palm were bare skin or silky lingerie. And I could not comprehend her vocal mumbling. She seemed agitated I did not understand. I did not know if I was being seduced or being sought after for snuggling. I did not know. And not knowing seemed to induce hostility in her.
The reality was that we had spent over two decades together but I did not know her. However, I did know rejection all too well. And now she is upset at me? Am I rejecting her now and not aware of it? I'm holding her. Does she want more? Is that why she is angry? Why even try after two decades of rejection?
Fear is dominant and manhood lays dormant.
Then I woke up to our daughters birthday. Except she passed away last year.
The days are nights. The nights are days. The nights are filled with bad dreams or worse. The days are filled with the leftovers.
Bad dreams
Her passing
His passing
Her passing
His passing
Her slow passing
His passing avoided
Blood bread
Dire delusion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Neuropathy burnings
Arthritic endeavors
Incontinence continues
Apathetic endeavors
Phantom pain
Real pain
Depression
StarToDay
Elevated futility
Time crushed
Eternal being
Nightmares
The bad dreams continue. There is no relief in site. Afraid to sleep but eventually do from exhaustion. I don't understand why after twenty two years I continue to dream about a job that brought me down mentally(see label: Losing My Mind). Without a doubt I will never be able to finish that writing excursion. I don't want to relive the breakdown and writing without substance results in form only.
Tonight I felt a sudden urge to write. But I am at a loss for words now. Wish I could shut my mind off. Unable to focus. Later.
There seems to be no escape from the perpetual bad dreams. None.
Much has happened since the last post of February. Much has occurred in the past twelve months.
My daughter died in a tragic car accident in June of last year.
A dear friend died in November of last year.
My father died in February, about a week after my last post earlier this year.
My closest of friends(from work) died in May.
My mother developed Dementia and as of last week is now hallucinating and hearing things.
Last month I was diagnosed with prostrate cancer.
Other than that things have pretty much been normal.
Afraid of the night and all it entails
Dreams waiting to haunt as stamina fades
Sleepless nights and endless tales
Awake the new day when way past dawn
Visions speak out of turn viewing hollow bends
Exhausting days and endless yawns
Tonight I was packing up to venture north in the morning and feeling a bit melancholy when suddenly the big toe on my right foot started to hurt a tad. OK, more than a tad. A removal of sock revealed a gnarly toenail about two feet in length all pressurized by said sock. What a relief to get the same in acceptable dimensions! Yes. Next trip to the car and what did I see on the ground next to the drivers door? What?
Drum-roll...
...a set of toenail clippers and not only that, they appeared to be all shiny and newish looking. Of course I took them, cleaned them with alcohol and boom another set of toe nail clippers! Nope, the other ones were in the apartment so yours truly had not dropped his outside.
The moral of the story is use it or lose it and/or use it and double it.
Neither Mom nor Dad are well but Dad has serious heart issues. Most of the time when I call(for the past few weeks) I only talk to Mom because Dad is asleep. Mom has a tendency these days to talk in circles and she's never had a filter(that I can recall)so the conversations are not easy or pleasant.
Been planning a visit to see them because I want to see Dad before he passes away. He is in a critical time period following a heart attack and discovering his heart is extremely weak. And I would love to go up north to help out with chores, grocery shopping, anything they need and of course to see them.
Tonight on the phone before I brought it up, Mom said, "I hope you don't come up here because I don't need company. I just need peace and quiet". It did not matter that I want to help them with the exhausting chores Mom finds herself doing now that Dad cannot help her. It did not matter that I want to see her and Dad. She let me know she does not sleep as well when I am there. Her contradictory statements about Dad did not make a bad conversation better.
Yours truly has been under the weather a bit the past few days and depressed on top of that. It happens. Not seeking sympathy, just providing a context for tonight's call.
Think I will go grocery shopping.
The ebb and flow of memories long passed
create pleasure and pain as anew they are grasped.
...not Monty Python's Flying Circus. It's...not.
However it is a happening. What is? What is it? It is. It's a happening now, right now at this moment. Look for it in all your irregular stores. Look for it wherever creativity remains unsold. Look for it whenever you awaken from your sleep. Look for it whenever change is nonrecurring. Look for it.
Well, it's 2022 so it must not be bust. To those of you that have been following my 'Losing My Mind' series it appears to be a bust. Too many bad dreams, too many nightmares of things long passed kept a creeping into my mind. The dreams have never fully gone away but they certainly accelerated frequency and intensity once I got into writing about the dark journey. That's a rabbit hole I might not go down again. It's not fun.
A new writing project has begun(barely) and it seems like another Mt. Everest to climb. It won't be on this website which proved to be user unfriendly when I wanted to do certain things. Even attempting to get help in the forums here proved to be a futile endeavor. Anyway, the writing will be an emotional journey that seems to be quite overwhelming at the moment. I keep forgetting to take each day one at a time.
Lots on my mind that could be written about here but each word is an effort so will just say see you later. Well, I won't either but type to you later.
