A history of God and Me part 4

To say that my marriage was troubled is an understatement. It lasted over twenty years. Not out of binding love but out of a sense of commitment, a disbelief in divorce. From the very beginning it was heartache. No blame game here. Not now. She is a good person. We were both young(twenty), we both had our own set of problems. We were both right and we were both wrong. Either one of us could make valid accusations against the other but blame games are not healthy. And anyway as I said it was troubled, deeply troubled. I will not say what was at the core of our conflicts as it's too personal but it was disheartening. 

  So, yours truly chose to run. Run from those there problems. Done it before, do it again! Back to pot! Avoided alcohol for the most part cause it was harder to hide, wasn't as much fun or provide as much of an escape as pot did. Also I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic if I drank too much. So pot it was. So married at twenty and in college(a Christian one) with me having preacher/missionary type aspirations and smoking dope. Nice combo. Does it work for you? Didn't for me either. Nice escape though. The year was now 1978(married in 77). Going to a Bible class stoned created a little more paranoia than going to church stoned. I suspect both experiences were lacking in any spirituality(well the "normal type"...heehee).

  Throughout that twenty plus year marriage I tended to repress my feelings and run from pain. Pot was a means of running until 1980 when we moved to Texas for a job relocation. That was a geographical cure for my pot smoking. That was the beginning also of an escalation in drinking. After all , isn't it true that a void must be filled? Drinking filled the void. I had graduated with a Bible degree and an Accounting degree. Next stop a CPA certificate. Along the way I could drink moderately to relax. All I felt I really wanted to do was just relax. Relax at the end of a day. Relax from the problems of our marriage. Relax from the turmoil inside me. Relax. I vacillated back and forth between God and drinking just as I had with pot. One day in the early 80s my wife asked me why I drank. My reply was, "it's just to relax, I just want to relax is all". Her reply, "I think that is how many alcoholics start out, just to relax".