How in the hell was I suppose to attend a group which had at its core God? How was I suppose to sit there and listen to all that bullshit they spouted about God? I am not one who is crazy about placebo effects and that was pretty much what I saw happening there. I am not sure why I went back the next night but I did. The wife? Pacify her? I do remember walking in like a dog with its tail between its legs. Then a familiar face nodded at me. That felt good, that friendly nod. I went back again the following night. Picked up a chip which represented a desire to stop drinking. I wanted to do that(stop drinking) but I didn't want to do that. Truth be known I wanted to die but I didn't want to die. I wanted to do things my way but I didn't want to do things my way. My life had become a swirling vortex of molten rock from which there was hardly any relief. I was burning up and sinking down a hole where eventually only a remnant of me could be found, if at all.
Yet somehow that group provided some relief. Somehow. I did not believe most of what I heard come out of their mouths but something attractive was there. Something that kept me coming back. Was it a thin sliver of hope? Two things stunned me that first month attending the group. Around about the second or third week of attending meetings and not being able to stop drinking for more than a few days at a time, I was sitting in a meeting. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by several peoples sharing. It cut through my core being. What was it? Their honesty. They were being completely honest about themselves and their experiences. I found it both attractive and compelling. What also knocked my socks off is these people knew how I felt inside. Although their stories were different in specifics, it was the same story emotionally. How was it I was hearing other people describe how I felt inside while they talked about themselves? Amazing. I started to actually like some of these people I had previously hated. I began to relate to them.
But how was I suppose to get past the gulf that divided God and me? How to do that? It did not take long to realize the twelve step program had at its core a relationship with a higher power(can anyone say euphemism?). God and spirituality were in fact the substance that made up the form of the twelve steps. The Big Book as it was called discussed the difficulties some newcomers had with the program if they had had a relationship with God before. No shit Sherlock! Somehow that part of the book I found both comforting and disturbing. Oh well, story of my life. Looking at steps three and following, I found to be a futile endeavor at best. Maybe it had something to do with me not doing the first step yet.
I was so lost. I was beginning to want to stop drinking and my eyes were opening up to the reality of the consequences of my actions. I was so lost though. How could I utilize something(a relationship with God) to sober up when I had been down the God path before? I had been down the God road off and on for some twenty years and I just didn't see there being anything new under the sun. All I could see was a black cloud covering the darkest parts of me. God was like a close friend, the closest of friends I had abandoned many many times in the past. If I could even muster up some sort of relationship with God or a desire to do so even, then I would be too embarrassed to face Him. Why would God give me the time of day anyway? Besides it was night. Darkness engulfed me.
I did not open my mouth for almost a month in those meetings except to decline sharing when called upon.
Lost. Darkness. Help me someone . I don't want your help. Or gods. Screw you. Screw all of you. Screw me. I am screwed. Pour me a drink. Poor me.
Then I opened my mouth in a meeting. Without a doubt I trembled noticeably as my voice shook with nervousness and fear.
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