A history of God and Me part 9

I remember saying, "my name is blah blah and I am an alcoholic. And I have done some things I will never be able to talk about in here. That's all" That's all I said. I saw smiles. That was the first time I called myself an alcoholic. I believed it at that moment or did I? Well I was about 95% sure, let's just say. Let's also just say that won't cut the mustard. If the first step is not worked 100% perfectly one is doomed. The other steps are progress, not perfection. But the first one must ultimately be done perfectly or drinking again becomes an option.

More and more I wanted to stop drinking. But there was a problem I had with stopping drinking. I couldn't. I no longer went to the group for my wife. I was going for my life. How the hell did I allow booze to grab a hold of me like it had and have a grip on me like it did? How? In spite of going to meetings I could not hold onto a significant period of sobriety. I remember making it to eleven days and relapsing. I was crushed. Back into the group for another desire chip.

An older man had come into the group a day before I had started. He rarely said anything. He sat there and trembled periodically and drank his coffee. I could relate to him with his trembling and coffee drinking attributes, not to mention quiet. As often as I could, I sat by this old man in meetings . One night when they were giving out sobriety chips at meetings end, they asked if anyone had thirty days? Mel(Mel was his name) stood up and picked up his thirty day chip! I freaked out! After the final prayer I went to him and threw my arms around him , hugging tightly. "How did you do that!? I am so proud of you! Congratulations! Please, tell me...how the hell did you do that!? Mel said with a glowing smile oh his face, "one day at a time".

Lightening strike me down! He did it the way they said to do it! Oh. What a flippin revelation! I could not stay sober but others were doing it. And doing it the way they said to do it. Here was an old man who shook his ass off that first month(and did more noticeable shaking than me) and he flipping just got a flipping thirty day chip! And he did it as suggested, one day at at time. What a concept. Maybe there was hope I thought. If Mel could do it , why couldn't I? And if he did it the way the group said to do then why shouldn't I?

But I kept hearing lots of "God talk" in meetings. Almost invariably I shut down or listened with an angry ear during those moments. Like God really cares if I stay sober or not. Like God had really been there for me during all the years of my hellish marriage. Like God had really been there during the two years of painful physical hell. In fact it seemed like every time I had drawn close to God in my life bad things had happened. What was the point? All I heard people in meetings saying anyway was a prescription for a pacifying placebo effect. Bullshit. I prefered reality. I did? Wait. Uh. Nevermind.

Maybe that is why a few days after I finally got my own thirty day chip I drank again.