Currently a cigarette sounds really good. The obsession is back. Arrived last night suddenly while I was at the store getting bread. When the cashier said innocently "anything else" I instantly and not so innocently thought, "get a pack". She looked at me and after an awkward pause I said, "uhhhhhhhhh noooooo" in a rather odd high pitched tone of voice. I walked out stunned and scared. Too close for comfort.
It has been seven months since the smoke of one of those sticks we call cigarettes has been placed on my lips and ingested into my lungs. I can rattle off right now all the reasons why I quit smoking and why I have not smoked up to now. I can make a solid case against smoking and be quite convincing if I say so myself. And I do. Or do I? My mind tells me now the other side. The relaxing side, the you are so screwed up anyway, you might as well go ahead and have one side, the won't it be nice to stand outside and smoke again side, the obsessive compulsive ,oh fuck it all and have one now side. The __________side(that would be fill in the blank). There are many fill in the blanks it seems when it gets to this point.
Tried to sleep tonight. Was certainly tired enough to. Then all the thoughts that kept me awake arrived and did their dirty deed. This is a blog I don't want to post(although it is not the first). The deal is if I am going to smoke I am going to smoke. So why ramble on about it.? Heck doing this has only made me think even more about it. Maybe blogging was not a good idea right now. Maybe nothing is a good idea right now. Maybe right now is not good right now.
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