"Keep coming back."! I did. I said little in meetings most of the time. I was not going to talk a talk I had not walked, I was going to listen. I did.
When I was four days sober the wife called me into the bedroom wanting to talk about something. Under the circumstances I could not see how it could be anything other than her wanting to leave me and I hoped it was. I wanted out of the marriage. But I had been afraid to do it myself Afraid I could not get or stay sober alone. I was afraid of hurting my kids. I was afraid of change. I was afraid basically of everything. She told me she was pregnant.
That was a nice shock. Bring another child into an already doomed marriage. OK. I knew then that I could not leave her. Not while pregnant. It would have to wait. Meanwhile I stayed sober that night. I almost got in a fight with a jerk at the group that night but I stayed sober.
I stayed sober. Days were adding up. Weeks. Somehow I had not lost my job and now I was beginning to actually make some progress there as opposed to just showing up each day. The weeks added up. Months. Still sober. Still not saying much in meetings. Only if called upon for the most part. Life at home was miserable but I had two children and one on the way, so so be it. I went to a lot of meetings. I focused on my job and meetings. During my relapse in late 94 it became acutely apparent to me that I truly was an alcoholic. 100% sure. I hung onto that. That was the first step worked 100% perfectly. Without question too my life had been utterly and completely unmanageable.
Where was God in all of this? I cried out to him that first morning after my last drunk. When one is in the ditch there really is nowhere to look except up. The sides of the ditch are not so appealing. Out of the ditch and back to church but was not really into it. I knew if I got too close to God bad things would happen. That had been my experience. So I faked it at church. I faked it at the group. I held onto the group. They were my higher power. Although I had done two fourth and fifth steps(done improperly I will add...lol), I knew I needed to do a proper fourth step. I had lots of anger and fears undealt with. I chose to do the waltz instead...1,2,3 1,2 3. At times I wanted to be close to God again but there seemed such a gulf between us that could not be bridged.
Having our third child was a spiritual experience. Having children are so much that way. How can anyone witness a childbirth and not see God? I did. He was a beautiful boy and brought joy into both of our lives. He was a wonderful baby and frankly a beautiful distraction from the misery of our marriage, for a while anyway. I grew to really love this child. I loved the others too, of course and even finally got close to my older son. Much of it had to do with playing video games with him almost nonstop at nights. LOL! My daughter and I had been so close the first ten years of her life but we had seemed to have lost that. She had friends and interest of her own and I was the father missing in action. Before drinking, now meetings and video games and a new toddler.
Suddenly I was sober again for an entire year! Then I actually made it two years. Two years sober. During this time my old friend Mel who had helped me in so many ways relapsed. Mel had helped me many times when I wanted to drink. He had been pivotal as a friend and inspiration. It had all started for me seeing him get his 30 day chip back in 93. Now he could not sober up again after being sober two years and relapsing. The last time I saw Mel was in a meeting in which he came in extremely drunk. He wept and wept and could barely talk. He looked at me during the meeting and his eyes begged me to help him. So I shared, breaking down along the way with tears myself. It was heavy, very heavy. Here was a man who had been pivotal in saving my life and now he wanted my help. What could I say to him? I poured my heart out to him. I loved this old man. But I could not do it for him. He knew what he needed to do. I said what I felt was most important and then reminded him of what I had been reminded of, that no matter what, to keep coming back! He didn't. He never did again. He passed away the next year. He died a drunk.
I had to stay sober. So I continued to. Amazingly I was approaching three years sobriety. It was now summer of 97. In late July of that year I went downstairs at work one day to get a snack. As I entered the elevator I was taken back by a beautiful blonde who seemed deeply preoccupied. I went to the back of the elevator and a thought went through my mind. "Wow, what it would be like to be with someone like that"! She turned at that moment and smiled an inviting smile. I melted.
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