A history of God and Me part 10

Yours truly picked up his tenth desire to stop drinking chip. I was thinking of opening my own store and selling desire chips. But I was also hoping the incoming supply would dry up. Something needed to happen. Something different. What I was doing was not working. What I was doing. What was I doing? I felt insane. I was insane and could validate that by citing certain details of my life at that time for the past six months or so. But that is unnecessary not to mention more than highly embarrassing. Insanity they say is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. Yep, I was nuts.

Do something different they say. I got me a sponsor. I picked someone who was an old-timer and when he shared it was not only obvious he knew the program and the steps but he cared. He cared deeply for others. He thought outside the selfish box I saw so many absorbed in, in the program. Yes from the very beginning I analyzed the people there, the program, the steps. I analyzed it and had it all figured out. Well, except for how to make it work for me too. This man had cared enough after my first meeting to come up to me and ask me if I thought I had a drinking problem(as opposed to "if I thought I was alcoholic") . So thinking about all the possibilities he seemed a good choice for a sponsor. I told him of my problem with God, my problem with the steps and them being God centered. Oh and I had this particular problem some would call drinking.

He shared with me that I could fake it until I make it. That I could even use the group as a higher power, a power greater than myself if I wanted to. God= group of drunks. That made sense as there was a group of people many of whom were staying sober while I was not. I could use them as a power greater than myself. Although ultimately I knew I needed to restore a relationship with God and/or find it anew, in the meantime I needed help to stay sober and I would add, to stay alive. Yes it was becoming a life and death matter. Or I should say I was realizing the enormous seriousness of my problem.

So I threw myself into attending even more meetings, sometimes two to three a night. I threw myself into reading the Big Book. I threw myself into working the steps. I threw myself into talking to my sponsor on a regular basis, following his advice/suggestions(well, most of the time..lol). Somewhere in the process of all of that changes started occurring in my life. Number one I was staying sober one day at a time. And God was becoming real to me again. I could see Him working miracles in my life. I could see Him working miracles in others lives. Over time a process of real change occurred within me. I was becoming a different person. I started chairing meetings and found it extremely rewarding and fulfilling. I even sponsored a few people myself.

A roar of applause thundered from behind me as I walked up to get my one year chip one Friday night. I had made it. A whole year. A year without a drink. Wow! I was flabbergasted and filled with gratitude. Mr. could not stay sober stayed sober an entire year. Mr. ten desire chips did not open a desire chip store.

Ten days later my wife really pissed me off one night. I seethed with venomous anger. I stormed out of the house and went to a bar. The lid blew off the pan. Resentment is the number one offender, so they say. I was so angry that night. I knew all the right things to do to stay sober even in that insane moment. I thought of each option. Then I said fuck it all! And I drank again. The deepest pits of hell were yet to come.